someone should probably be arguing for temperance
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AGAINST the POISON of PIRIAS

It is Known to the many Wise Readers that the Accursed Asm-d--s has Afflicted our country with numerous Ills. Yet many of these Ills, such as Slavery and Hell-Spawn, have long been Present in our World to Lesser Degrees. Nonetheless, these Evils must Halt.

Among the greatest of these evils is the Poison of Pirias. It has led many Men to Crime, Poverty, Disease, and Death. Did the Priesthood of Asm-d--s apply this Poison to Crops in Secret? No! Did they Mandate that all Men consume it? No! The Poison of Pirias was sold to willing buyers! Even TODAY, you may find this Infernal Poison at nearly Any Inn!

For the Poison of Pirias is better known as ALCOHOL, save when it is Purified by a Holy God. Alcohol has transformed many born with Reason into Idiots. It has transformed Hardworking Men into Contemptible Layabouts. It leads the Lawful into Theft and Destruction. It leads the Healthy into Illness and Death, and at times into Undeath. It leads men to Assault those whom without it they would call Friend, or even Wife or Child.

It is said that Alcohol is Profitable. For whom is it profitable? Alcohol is profitable for Police, who may benefit from the Arrest of Criminals and opportunities to accumulate Valuables in So Doing. It is profitable for the Lawyer, known Servant of Mephistopheles, for he may Further Bankrupt a Drunken Criminal. It is profitable for the Usurer, known Servant of Mammon, for the Drunk seeks out Unwise Debt. It is profitable for the Jailer, the Executioner, and the Gravedigger, who are called to handle Additional Bodies. Are these the men whom we wish to offer profit?

It is said that Alcohol grants Pleasure. In the Light of Day after Carousing, does one feel Pleasure? Do Children who Starve as their Parents Purse has gone to Alcohol enjoy this? Do the Wives and Children who are Beaten by Poisoned Men consider these Assaults Pleasant? Nay! The Pleasure of Alcohol is like unto the Pleasure of the Soul-Sold: Mere Momentary Wealth which turns to Ashes a thousand-fold.

There are Many who Believe that Alcohol can grant Courage, Wit, or Wisdom. One must only look to Recent Events to note that its So-Called Courage is better known as Rashness. One must only look to Any Tavern to note that its So-Called Wisdom is Nothing of the Sort.

In Secular Contexts, this Poison ought to be BANNED ENTIRELY.

However, it is Known to Many that Clerics of Holy Gods may Un-Spoil Food and conjure Pure Water. Blessed IOMEDAE, Light of the Sword, Lady of Valor, has blessed the Sword, so often a Tool of Evil, to render it Holy in Her Usage. Likewise, Drink is at times blessed by CAYDEN CAILEAN, the Drunken God, who thus can render it Holy in His Usage.

Thusly, Cheliax ought to BAN ALCOHOL and only permit Drink served at a temple or by a priest of CAYDEN CAILEAN. We may trust that in the hands of the Holy, Drink may be turned towards Goodness, to render our Country more favorable in the eyes of our fair Queen and our Goddess Iomedae.

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...She's pretty sure the only thing making Caydenite drink better than anyone else's is that Caydenite bartenders have slightly better judgment. But you know, she hasn't actually checked. She's only talked to a couple actual priests of Cailean, and not for long.

Could the pamphlet actually have a point?

 

 

No. A pamphlet being unusually well-informed? Ridiculous.

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Good enough for a reading. Honestly, Laia drinks now and then, but only at wrap parties, it's bad for the voice and the constitution.

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  • Lawyers are great, actually.
  • Many of them don't even serve Mephistopheles anymore.
  • Cayden Cailean is as bad as any vomiting tramp in the gutter. Worse, honestly.
  • Notably silent on Exotic Vudran Opium and other drugs. Though it's true alcohol is the worst.

Yeah, it's a bad pamphlet. Someone should write a good one.

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Well, that's insane.

Cheliax is a wine exporter. It has lots and lots of vineyards, and there's only so many fresh grapes that can be eaten when they're in season. Most of the crop is going to be made into wine, because what else can you do with them, make them all into raisins? There is no way, absent a civil war where you march armies into the field to burn all the vineyards, that you're going to actually stop people from making vast amounts of wine in Cheliax. At which point even control efforts on the level of the old Asmodean tyranny wouldn't be able stop it from being sold to willing buyers in the countryside.

So, maybe in the cities you could indeed give a monopoly over alcohol distribution to the Caydenites, which is what the pamphlet effectively is suggesting. Sure. Now, how much cooperation are you going to get from the chaotic followers of the god of alcohol-bravery-and-freedom in restricting how freely they distribute the wine? Even the ones who agree it's a good idea to try to limit abuse of alcohol are unlikely to universally be diligent about exercising close supervision.

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A day or so after the pamphlet is first published, someone begins distributing copies with a woodcut of a humanoid butt stamped over it. 

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