"Pregnant people. The Maiar."

"I can actually do really early-term fetuses, but yes, pregnant people, Maiar, animals, the lovely nothing-decays environmental effect.

"So I held out for more than a year of evac. I held out for fucking everything - Morgoth's still alive being passively evil, Sauron's still being a creep, but they are never, ever going to hurt anyone again -

"But I did it.

"And then I spent the better part of a year putting a replica up and resurrecting everybody I could and I said this was not a nice story."

He buries his head in his hands.

He waits a while. 

"I am sorry," he says. "For - everyone involved."

"Yeah.

"Anyway then Fëanáro invented worldleapers and a small party flung ourselves into a random destination and landed in hard vacuum which is a demon's favorite canvas and we found a planetful of magic humans with an exact copy of your family tree and also a me, who's a girl and a queen and stuff."

"Okay. So now the hypothesis is that certain people repeat across the universes? There's an instance of you who is my alt's grandmother? Or are we not royalty there?"

"We're not blood related in any universes discovered extant," Cam says. "You're still royalty there, cute little country full of canals called Marlatia, place has got talking animals. The me, whose name is Iobel, is in a marriage of political convenience with the Marlatian Maitimo and they are monarching it up."

He shakes his head. "Probably quite competently. Alright. I am having our representatives on every planet where we've got one draw up a list of distribution sites and items and expected lives saved, and they'll have it for me by tomorrow and then I can teleport you over to as many of those as you don't mind doing and we can save a hundred million people before breakfast and it'll be lovely. While those are being compiled, what else can I offer you? Local magic? Local geopolitics? Audience with Loki Godslayer?"

"Those things all sound very interesting. Especially the hundred million before breakfast. These things don't actually work out by math and if they did I'd be in the black for escapades before I turned twenty but it'd still make me feel better."

"You sort of look like you could use a hug but imagining how I'd feel about discovering a means of resurrection and then having that be the impetus for a genocide on the orders of the Enemy, it is possible I am the wrong person to offer it. A hundred million before breakfast I can do."

He starts shuffling in his drawers for magic items. "Eidetic memory necklace?"

"Yes please! Do these do working memory or just long-term? If it does working the Marlatians will do six impossible things before breakfast and then gripe about their magic system until midnight."

"Think they're long term, think Fëanáro could have one for working memory in a few months if that's something that'd be of tremendous value to the Marlatians." He hands it to him. "And something to eat? I have the menus of some of the galaxy's most desirable high-end vacation destinations, can you steal their food?"

"Yes I can! Menu me."

He kept everything acquired on their honeymoon. He hands Cam some menus. "I've also got invisible goggles that give Elven vision, if you've ever been sad about not being able to see heat and ultraviolet and things happening fifty miles away."

"I would also like these." Wag wag. Delicious menu items.

Goggles! Fëanáro presumably doesn't need them. Fëanáro has been talking with himself over osanwe the whole time; Findekáno still feels no impulse to be more than vaguely polite to alternate universe versions of his father-in-law.

The food is delicious. 

"This is lovely. I will have to make sure the other demons know about it, they will be delighted."

"Loki and Maitimo became close friends during the war and I think it bothered her tremendously that he was not properly rescued yet. So she paid for very expensive therapists and then a very lovely honeymoon. I would not otherwise have been able to justify spending this much at galactic-class restaurants."

"- ah, congratulations."

"Thank you," he says cheerfully. Fëanáro does not react but might not have been paying attention. "It'll set us back on becoming emperors of this sector of the galaxy by a few years - Arda's yet to catch up with the times - but it was worth it."

"Yeah, similar social norm in my version, it caught me very much by surprise - and I offended the you very badly in the process of finding out, too - but now sometimes when I feel like having a despairing laugh over something trivial I read horrified censors' arguments about the contents of the Library of Hell. Although nothing about homosexuality is quite as funny as how scandalized they get over shampoo commercials."

He laughs. "I can imagine any version of Valinor having a bumpy ride making contact with the galaxy. Or Hell, for the same reasons. We'd seen too much of war to be very shockable - I actually don't think it is possible to shock Maitimo anymore - but everyone who'd ridden out the war in Valinor found it a change of pace." He shrugs. "It's good for them. If Eru actually wanted all Elves to be straight he could have, you know, done that."

"Did your Eru ever show up and do... anything?"

"Yeah, he scolded the Valar about making the world flat and making Dwarves and moving the Elves into Valinor and doing such a slapdash job of the stars. He didn't do anything about the war, of course, that'd have been useful. 

Loki accidentally started an orc cult and ended up having to explain to them that the disproof of an omniscient benevolent deity is two words long: 'look around'."

Cam laughs, a little. "Are your Dwarves not awesome? The ones I met were pretty neat. After they stopped shooting at me."

"They're fantastic! And Aule, the Vala who made them, made them a fantastic afterlife, too, we were all tremendously relieved. Maitimo spent several years in Tumunzahar recovering and convincing them to fund his cities and he has a lot of Dwarf friends. Can't restrain themselves from casual comment about how poorly designed Elves are, but it's not as if I disagree, there..."