"Figuratively," he confirms. "I can show you the goods and tell you the story if you want, but it's not quite as funny as the adventure of the laughing squirrels."
"Poor life choices, like I said. I wasn't planning to end up with this. I am a thief, but usually of things that are easier to sell and less sentimentally or practically valuable to their original owners. It practically dropped into my lap, though, so - this is where the poor life choices come in - I took it, and fast-talked a couple of guys into helping me escape, and in the course of that adventure they figured out what I had and demanded a share, which I was fine with. I was less fine with it when I heard them talking about how they planned to hit me over the head, turn me in, collect the reward, and keep whatever they got for selling the crown all to themselves. So, I decided I'd play a little trick on them, and to make a long story short, two hours ago I was being chased by the Royal Guard and a pair of muddy grumpy tough guys. But I lost them all several miles of forest ago, and I managed to lead them in separate directions so the Mud Brothers probably won't get caught in my place unless they're very unlucky. And now all I have to do is find something to do with this crown. Would you like a crown, by any chance?"
"I couldn't explain where I got it. Are you going to take my stuff?"
"No. I'm getting the sense that you'd be upset about it, and you probably don't have anything that would sell for a substantial amount, and I'm not going to go looking to see if you do because I definitely get the sense you'd be upset about that. In case you're getting the wrong idea about the world beyond your forest hermit tower, by the by, most people's lives are not nearly this exciting. I just happen to be very adventuresome."
"Do most people not get upset about it if you take their stuff?"
"There's kinds and kinds of upset. Most people get annoyed about it if I take their stuff. I don't mind annoying a rich person who did not really need that fifth set of silver-plated teacups. I mind making people upset upset. Which is why taking the crown was such a terrible idea. But trying to put it back would probably be a much worse one, so here I am."
"If I had to guess, I'd say it goes something like this: The first set is to use, so all your friends know you're rich enough to use silver plated teacups. The second set is so you can have bigger silver plated tea parties and impress more people. The third, fourth, and fifth sets are because you keep finding out your neighbour has more silver plated teacups than you."
"Why does your neighbor have that many, then? And couldn't they just tell their friends how much money they have if they want them to know for some reason?"
"Well, see, it's impolite to just brag about how much money you have. The proper way, for those kinds of people, is to buy lots of obviously expensive things and show them off without ever saying that that's what you're doing. And of course, the neighbour saw that their neighbour had two sets of silver-plated teacups, so they had to buy three. It's all very silly, but that's how it works."
"Is it also impolite to complain about thieves stealing your teacups? Because if they're allowed to do that maybe you are doing the entire system a favor."
"You know," he says, "I never thought of it that way, but I kind of like the perspective. As far as I know, it's not impolite to complain about thieves stealing your teacups."
"Well then." Pause. "But someone actually needs the crown for something?"
"I'm not sure needs is the right word. It belonged to the princess who disappeared as a baby. It's not really doing anybody any good sitting on a pillow in some room of the palace or other and going out to get polished every so often, but the king and queen are probably still going to be pretty broken up about losing it."
"Oh, that's what those lanterns every autumn are about," recalls Rapunzel vaguely.
"Yeah. It's a sad story. I wonder sometimes what happened to the poor girl, but there's really no good way to find out."
"I suppose people must get more excited about disappearing babies when they're princesses."
"Well. Yes. Certainly more people hear about it in that case. But it doesn't really happen that often to begin with," he says.
"No," he says. "I've heard of babies being stolen - but there aren't that many people in the world who will steal a baby, and even fewer who'll do it more than once, and they tend to get caught if they live close enough to where they took the kid from. I've heard of babies just plain vanishing inexplicably - but mostly just the princess. And someone could have stolen her too, for all I know. It makes more sense than thinking she dissolved into sunshine or crawled out in the middle of the night never to be seen again. The other few times I've heard of a kid just plain disappearing like that, it turned out something else had happened to them and somebody was lying about what."
"I was assuming disappeared usually meant stolen. Or possibly eaten by wild animals."
"I have not once heard of a baby being eaten by wild animals," he says. "And I travel a lot."