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After Glass's party is over with, Amariah and Kas go home.
Amariah fetches down their alethiometers.
"It's about time I took care of Alethia's afterlife, whatever it may be," she says quietly. "What can the alethiometer tell you about what I'll find?"
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sicaria
Sherlock's gyrfalcon runs his beak through Shell Bell's hair.
"Explain?" he says softly.
"Explain?" he says softly.
arenaria
The smew gazes up adoringly at the gyrfalcon and snuggles up to the nearest available Sherlock-skin.
"I'm - I think this is a template thing but I don't know how strongly - I'm so very wrapped up in what I want. All the time. It's just everyone else's luck that a lot of things I want have to do with them, and that most of the things I want that have to do with other people are nice things. And that was harpy-ammunition and I felt bad about being selfish and I was trying to do something else and I couldn't figure out how, and I'm not sure if that's good."
"I'm - I think this is a template thing but I don't know how strongly - I'm so very wrapped up in what I want. All the time. It's just everyone else's luck that a lot of things I want have to do with them, and that most of the things I want that have to do with other people are nice things. And that was harpy-ammunition and I felt bad about being selfish and I was trying to do something else and I couldn't figure out how, and I'm not sure if that's good."
arenaria
"Besides thinking about what I want all the time. I know you don't, at least not the way I do. I couldn't translate myself into that - mental language, though. About the closest I managed was feeling bad about everything I liked so I would want it less. I couldn't even make sense of wanting to do things for you without that being about me wanting it first."
sicaria
"...you could say that I prioritize others before myself because it is what I want to do," Sherlock says thoughtfully.
arenaria
"You could say that. But the - order of priority is different. My wanting to do nice things for other people fights it out on a level playing field with wanting ice cream; I mean, they're rarely incompatible and the first one's usually stronger but they're not different kinds of things on the immediate level. I don't think I would say that about you."
arenaria
"And then wanting things felt awful and I couldn't figure out what else to do except cry and try to escape from anything that might make it stop, because if it stopped I would go back to unabashedly wanting things, and that would make me a horrible person."
arenaria
"Yes. In a way it helped when you held my daemon but it was also really confusing."
arenaria
"I couldn't tell myself you were lying. You weren't saying anything. But the harpy was still winning. So I had something in my head that I couldn't explain or dismiss - and it was a nice thing but under the circumstances that wasn't less confusing than a bad thing would've been."
sicaria
"I don't know. There is nothing here I can solve. I don't think it would improve matters any if you began thinking like I do."
arenaria
"It's interesting that I couldn't do it even when I was motivated to, though."
arenaria
"If you'd asked me before if I could change it if I really, really wanted to I would've thought I probably could. Maybe I need better reasons than feeling horrible and selfish, though, not just the plain want."