"Mmhmm. I think it's pretty dumb in general; nobody's going to be as good at pretending to be something they aren't as they are at really being something they are."

He nods. It's gratifying, to have someone else say it out loud.

"Yeah. I think most people think subpar normal is better than great but weird, though."

He tries to play that off like it doesn't make him angry, and the anger is buried a long way down, but it's there.

"Mmhmm."

"You want to do something about that," she observes.

He shrugs and laughs, without any kind of amusement present.

"What could I do? People are just like that."

He does want to do something about it. He wants to be seen.

She's not reading his mind but he's very legible, emotionally.

"I bet you can come up with something. Maybe make some art about it, see what happens."

"...well, I guess this is the place to do it."

He can't help but be a little hopeful.

"Mmhmm."

"I don't think I want you staying forever, but if you're working on a project like that I'm probably not going to kick you out."

Oh. There it is.

The sudden feeling of betrayal is almost painful in its intensity, but his face doesn't change.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna try to sleep on your couch forever."

She pauses, and then peers at him.

...oh.

She can feel it when that happens. He had almost forgotten.

He looks suddenly ashamed.

"...yeah, I can usually, uh, ignore that. Until it goes away."

"And something gave you the impression I'd be okay with that?"

He's actually sort of confused by this.

"I mean...I don't have to act on it. It's just a really stupid feeling."

"Jedi nonsense. From passion comes strength."

...well, yeah, he can sort of see where she'd get that.

"It's not...I mean, I'd hurt the wrong people. You already said I was staying for two months. That was just...a different way to say it."

It's amazing how he contorts himself into this. It feels wrong but he bears it because what use is he if he can't even let this kind of feeling go?

"I'm not saying you should just do the first thing that comes to mind, that causes trouble too. But if you want to be here - especially if you want to be here that much - figure out why, and make sure you get that."

"It's not...just about that."

He's trying to choose his words very carefully, and trying to tamp down the frustration of explaining something he's used to just bottling up and repressing (at least with people he actually speaks to).

"It's about...I can't even say it. It's stupid shit. It's not real."

She gives him a look, and then scoots over to put her arm around his shoulder again. "But it is real. Even if it's just a thing you think, or a thing you feel, those exist too, and they matter."

They matter.

The contact was so welcome, before, but now he almost flinches away from it. Almost, but not quite. He keeps still.

"They don't get to anybody else if I don't let them. How do they matter?"

She leaves her arm there, lightly; if he tries to shrug it off he'll have no problem. "They still affect you, and you matter. And how else would you know what was right for you?"

He droops a little over the table. The feeling of discomfort from her arm over his shoulders is gone.

"...it's kind of hard to believe I do. Matter, I mean. I'm just..."

a disappointment

a broken tool

meat

"...some stupid lost kid, you know?"

"Everybody matters, Kai-Zi. I kinda want to have words with whoever convinced you otherwise."

"You'd have to have a lot of words. It's a lot of people."

He's significantly more relaxed than before.

"And not the best use of my time, if it doesn't help you any."

"Yeah. Although it'd be really fun to watch, for a couple of 'em."

'Vengeful satisfaction' is an emotion, right?

Yup. "Well, maybe someday. In the meantime - I dunno, I'm still not thinking forever, but a couple months isn't very long at all."