it would be better for her if she had never been born - Epilogue: Lilia, Alex
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"I did not ask her approval in advance.

…mostly so that, if you asked whether I had, I could truthfully say I hadn't."

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"Mm… I think I'd actually like to take my ten minutes to think. I think this conversation will be easier for me and maybe more helpful for you if I confidently know whether I can say all the things that come to mind as relevant."

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"Of course." Lilia turns her chair away because staring at his face making inferences would be rude. 

(It is a cute face, though.)

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It's not actually a very hard ten minutes of thought. She's said enough in this conversation that it's obvious that Myrabelle is Alfirin is Catherine de Litran… because the conversation is confidential this doesn't free him to act outside of it but he can advise her as if he knows that those three people are the same. He takes the full ten minutes to be sure he's not fooling himself to his own advantage, but he's not.

"Alright. Where were we?"

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"I was complaining about my mother, I think," Lilia says. "Halfheartedly, because I am glad she did it. But if we are counting up all the casualties of the war I guess it feels reasonable to say that my choosing this did not exactly count and that that was not good for me. Or for her."

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He smiles at her. "Most people who are victims of something horrible do not, within the first day of coming to terms with it, think about how it was harmful for the person who did that to them."

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"Well, I do love her."

 

 

It hurts to say more than it did the last time she said it. It hurts enough to immediately distract her from Alex's smile, which is unfortunate because it was a good smile and she should've savored it longer.

 

"And I - when we had this interaction, this afternoon, in which she removed the spell, I asked her to hurt me like she did when I was a child, so I couldn't revise my memories of it, and that was partially because I - wanted to know - but it was partially because I wanted to hurt her, and it was the best way to hurt her I could think of.

…I understand that hurting people is wrong. I've been trying very hard to avoid it."

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"It's - understandable and a very common impulse to try to hurt someone who has hurt you. Not… usually… by asking them to hurt you more."

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"Nothing else would've been as effective," says Lilia. "At least nothing legal in Cheliax."

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"I am glad that you did not break any laws to get back at your mother, in part because while I would not arrest you for it under these conditions it is always uncomfortable and difficult for me when people have confidentially confessed to me to breaking the law."

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"We are taxing your Law quite a lot," Lilia says. "It has been very valuable to me but I am sorry for making your life more difficult."

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"It has mostly been your mother taxing my Law and in exchange for it I got an archmage in the war. And a wish diamond. I have no complaints...I have few complaints."

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"She's like that sometimes." Lilia is smiling to herself.

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"It must be hard, loving someone and feeling - betrayed, hurt, wronged by them - at the same time. I remember you asked me once, about how I'd feel if a member of my family betrayed me and started working for Asmodean Cheliax and - I knew it would be complicated but I couldn't in fact imagine quite how it would feel."

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"Right now I mostly feel….lucky? That she was on the right side, that she wanted me to be free when the war is done. She could have raised me actually Asmodean. I feel upset about that."

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"I have every reason to believe that she sincerely hates Asmodeus and all His works."

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Lilia nods fervently. "And that is a pretty good reason to have her as an ally but - not my reason. Until an hour ago." And that's being very generous to herself, claiming she has any reasons for anything at all right now.

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"You don't - you don't have to have her as an ally. Even if Iomedae's church still works with her sometimes - and I don't actually know how often we will, she seemed to want to be left alone more than to work together - but even if we do there's no reason any of that has to go through you. You can avoid ever having anything to do with her again, if that's what you want… I know you love her and might not want to cut ties. But it can help to know you've got the option."

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"It is somewhat satisfying to think of never contacting her again. But - mostly because it would hurt her. And I'm really not -" 

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"Not what?"

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He very kindly gave her the right answer to this one not a week ago.

"I'm in politics, I'll never be done hurting people. But I can be done doing things for that reason."

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"It's not a very good reason."

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"I wasn't unhappy. In Asmodean Cheliax."

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"I didn't think you were. You're someone who's changed a lot, with the change of government."

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What a nonjudgmental phrasing. "I won't shatter if you say 'yes, it sure looks like you opportunistically sided with us when we won'."

 

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