"Do you want me to increase the odds of that happening on your next trip down there? I can probably give you a few pointers. Though... what are you going to do if it actually works?"

"Mate back!"

"I am... not entirely sure they will be ready for that! Call me if things ever get out of hand, okay?"

"Anyway, I need some help with a case, but we're going to have to dance around a bit for me to get the information I need without violating confidentiality. Do you have time for me to be a little... oblique?"

"You have less time than I do, I'm sure."

"Okay, so... I need to know more about the sexuality and mating habits of the inhabitants of one of the following planets: Ziabos, Nebulon, Struagawa, Chegrenides, and Criuq. I also need you to cross index by status level in the society from peasant to merchant to noble to royalty, or the local equivalents. And I'm tempted to throw in a few more variables but as you say, I don't have all week. Can you get that for me?"

"They don't exactly allow [BIP] Wikipedia on a barbarian planet like Earth.  Also your primitive concept of information security is appalling.  If I asked you to homomorphically encrypt your actual question is there any chance you would know what I meant and how to do it?"

"Look. I'm aware you can probably make some hypotheses based on what I've said so far, but they would only be hypotheses, and also we both know I have good reason to trust you. I am sorry for skipping the step in my initial question where I ask you to take my 'primitive,' 'appalling' question and make it robust from an infosec perspective before you send it onward. Unless... you just happen to have the information I'm really looking for cached in your head?"

"The galaxy is large.  The stars you can see in the sky are only a tiny fraction of those there are, a tiny sphere about the Earth within a structure much larger than that."

"I will make your question... 'robust' from an 'infosec perspective'... and send it onward, to where a true copy of [BIP] Wikipedia is permitted to exist, and to where, more importantly, it is possible to homomorphically check the blinded answer to ensure that none of the retrieved information is forbidden to exist on this planet.  This will require an AI that is, in your own terms, at least GPT 4.5-level, and there are not many places in the galaxy where those are permitted to exist.  I estimate eight Earth days until you have your information."

"Amazing. Thank you. Can I pick up the tab for that?"

Ramona points to three plates of liver and onions on the bar in front of her associate.

They crush some more of the liver and onions in their fist, and spread the paste over their arm, the previous layer having been mostly absorbed.  "Can you?  Yes.  Will I account it as the payment I am owed?  No."

Tuesday, 11am.

"Welcome back. It's nice to see you again. Before we get started, I need to let you know a few things."

"First off, I need to make you aware that I'm not particularly a by-the-book Earth therapist. You came to me because I specialize in... unusual... clients. There are not many therapists like me on Earth, and demand is brisk, so I try to be as efficient as possible."

"Second, I don't follow the standard Earth therapy ethics of non-interference in my clients' lives. I give myself a lot of latitude to do the right thing, up to and including killing my clients if I come to believe they threaten too large a swath of humanity. No, I will not tell you exactly what the threshold is. Please refrain from killing or enslaving any substantial number of my species, unless you hand-pick your victims and you're very very sure that's their kink."

"Finally, I really prefer to be paid in hard Earth currencies such as the Yuan, the Euro, or the US Dollar. I also accept Neptunian crystals. I do not accept currencies from outside the local solar system at this time as they are too difficult for me to extract value from. Payment is due at the end of each session."

"Do you have any questions about any of this?"

"I always hand-pick my victims!  Ha, ha ha... uh..."

"No."

"I have few expectations about Earth 'therapists' to begin with, except that you are those charged with judging relationship problems to say who is in the right."

"...Right. Let's say that's what I do. Okay, let's begin."

"I'm going to ask you a series of questions. I want each one of you to answer each question. It doesn't matter who speaks first, the other person will also get a turn. Please don't interrupt each other. Here's the first question."

"Imagine that we are meeting for the last time, because therapy has been successful. You are happy with the outcome. What is different, within you or within your relationship, so that you know our work is done?"

"I am his sole mate and he is happy, for example because we have found a drug that switches off Earthling sex drives when their mates are not in heat."

"I get to have sex, let's say twice a week, at least, with someone who's interested in having sex with me.  It'd be great if it was with her but her species definitely does not have a drug like that, according to her, it's not that she'd be unwilling to use it."

Ramona was flying blind, with the report on Nebulonian sex and mating rituals not due back for a few more days. Nothing for it.

"How do you define sex? Feel free to show me the relevant anatomy and what you do with it if you think that will help me understand."

"A Princess of Nebulon does not show her [BIP] genitals to any but her beloved!"

"It's warm, wet, squishy and basically works for me."

"That was... less than completely illuminating."

Ramona sighed.

"I am trying to figure out if there are any activities that constitute 'sex' from Jake's perspective that Zephyria is willing to participate in when she's not in heat. It might be helpful to take a more expansive view of eroticism, rather than expecting one specific act with one specific outcome. What comes to mind?"

"The problem from my perspective is that she's not interested.  Not reacting.  I'm not really into sex like that."

"I do find that entirely understandable, that a male receives little pleasure from mating with an infertile female.  I am surprised that self-pleasure is a thing that even exists, among other species, but at least humans cannot be satisfied by it - that would just be strange."

"Zephyria, is sex connected directly to reproduction for you and your species? Or rather, is it primarily or only for reproduction, or is it also for other purposes, such as pleasure or connection?"

"By 'for' do you mean its historical evolutionary causation?  Or the present internal-psychological causes, the ends to which we in our own intelligence use sex?"