... This is a written periodical Mels, not a podcast (thank goodness) - no one can hear your cackling, even if you write it out like that. 

Dear Writers, 

Do you know how to get your hands on rohypnol, I need it for a school project. Also unrelatedly do you know if rohypnol interferes with erectile function

After googling this, I've reported this matter to the appropriate authorities. 

... Yeah, gotta back Phineas on this one.

(Mels may reach out to the author separately to see if they could use someone to chat with, but that particularly plot is outside the scope of this thread.)

Every time I have an important project due I find myself staying up five days in a row. This is fine, except my boyfriend 

- she considers the recipients of her letter, and the likelihood of her life changing course -

boyfriend husband fiancé is terribly worried for me. What shouldn't I do about this? 

Hey advice column people,

Any of you know how to get dust out of a phone? I kind of tore out the camera and now there's this big hole where the camera used to be and it's got a bunch of dust in the wires. I didn't want to wash it in the sink after what happened to my computer but I couldn't get the dust out with a towel or anything. I tried using my tongue and it kind of worked but I also got shocked. Is it okay to get your tongue shocked?

JJ

(this is, in fact, a true story)

Dear Phineas and Mels.

How to get big tiddy heart gf?

Dear Elwing!

The great thing 'bout guys is that you can make em forgive you for just 'bout everything if you fuck em enough, so try that? Not sure what you shouldn't do, so long as you do that.

I'd consider listening to your fiance on this, he has your best interests at heart,

Dear John,

Wow. Somehow that's the hottest phone repair issue I've head bout. How bout you tear my camera out.

As for your tongue's shocking discovery, it's fine - I've used improvised violet wands every which where and I'm still hardly brain damaged. ;) 

... Honestly, I hope Mels' example makes obvious how bad of an idea what you're doing is. Buy a new phone. 

Love you too bby

Sigh.

Thought you said no one can hear even if you type shit out here? :P

... Yes, I'll admit that sigh was just for me.

Dear vag avatar (vagatar?),

Easy! Fuck a guy in the ass. And then pay for her implants. 

Considering talking and actually getting to know someone on a deeper level. 

Oh my advice will sure get em known on a deeper level, if you know what I mean ;)

....

I will note for our readers that Mels has never had a relationship last longer than 2 months. Consider her as an example of what not to do. 

Hey Phineas, Jello boy's been a year and a half now!

... Mels, what is Jello boy's name?

Jello. Boy.

...

Dear Mels,

how are you so cute? , or as this is technically an advice column, how do I become as cute as you?

Spit, lube, and a whole lot of baking soda.