Dear readers,

I'm glad to announce the beginning of this new column in our esteemed university's newspaper. I hope to engage in a lively dialogue with my fellow students and miscellaneous residents of this fine town and aid you in a search for a deeper meaning in life than provided by our modern world, so full of distractions and temptations to reach for immediate pleasure rather than the important things in life.

Sincerely, 

Phineas

Yo. Please send hot qs I can bother Phineas bout. thx, byeeee

Dear Writers,

Do bedbugs count as an STD? My girlfriend said that if I cheated on her and gave her an STD, she'd cut my dick off. I don't want my dick cut off and would like to know how hard I need to try to keep her from finding out where the bedbugs came from. 

I'm sorry to hear about this. Given the circumstances I'd understand the bedbugs to be effectively an STD. You should absolutely come clean to your girlfriend. If you truly believe you can overcome this obstacle in yourself you should give her the option of breaking up with you but make clear your genuine remorse. Otherwise it is preferable to break up with her after coming clean lest you strain your integrity again. Unless, of course, you are married, in which case you should work hard and resolutely to improve your fidelity, whatever the circumstances, as breaking up is not a reasonable option under such circumstances. 

1) Nope they aren't. Bedbugs are just nature's way of biting in bed. 

2) Tell her you have an std anyways, the castration sex will be fly.

...She's pretty sure there's a fanfic she should send this Mels girl.

To make a point.

Dear Advice Column:

Is Phineas Catholic?  I am detecting critical levels of Catholic guilt and marriage thoughts!  To which I would like to point out that annulments do, actually, exist.  Anyway, I'm kind of wondering what advice you'd give about becoming less of a shutin trashfire!  Modulo crippling anxiety.

...Not that I expect it's going to be good advice, just that I'm really curious what it'll be.

Sincerely,

-- Mira Grant (this is a pseudonym)

While annulments exist they bear very little resemblance to the common practice of divorce in modern times - annulments are to be used only when a marriage was already invalid when performed, not because a couple is going through difficult times.

While it's true that I'm Catholic I think I have less guilt than most people, not more.

As for advice: have you considered going to church?

Excuse me, my advice is always good. I'd suggest jumping head first into the most intense social environment you can find, afterwards things'll be a lot easier!

Dear Writers,

I own a house along with my coworkers 'Alice' and 'Bob' and some friends 'Carol' and 'Danielle'. Bob's girlfriend 'Erin' also lives here and shares his room. Lately, Bob and Erin have been working together on an information technology startup and Erin has been assembling and shipping out a lot of hardware for it. However, Erin has chronic fatigue issues. Alice and Bob and I were recently out on a work trip. When we came back, Carol and Erin had some disagreements about how to handle all the trash Erin's work was producing – Erin wasn't physically able to handle it herself.

I just dealt with it myself this time to make people stop arguing, but what's the right way to handle this going forward?

Man, if I were in your situation I'd probably just move. Easier than taking out the trash.

If you really don't want to move you could try an orgy with your roommates? Won't help with the trash but it'll take out your bins if you know what I mean ;p

... how did you get an advice column Mels.

As usual, ignore everything Mels said. In the future, Bob should be tasked with ensuring there are no issues with the amount of trash related to their work, seeing as he's the one with the physical capacity to dispose of it.

... how did you get an advice column Mels.

Wouldn't you like to know ;P

A way to get advice from normal people without having to talk to them! Excellent! And if it's in the school newspaper, he can also get free advertising space.

To the authors of this university's advice column,

I am in my final year at this university and am hoping to conduct surveys and experiments regarding the opinions of the students and their political views, as a part of my preliminary work for a final class essay. Unfortunately, I have been met with an impediment in the way of my research, as I have found that most of the students who I have approached across campus have shown little interest in completing these surveys, and several have offered as their only relevant political opinion various forms of advice as to which parts of my own body I should bring into connection with each other.

I have a station set up for students to sign up for such events at room 326, but few have visited. Do you know of any locations in particular I might want to visit, that are home to individuals who might be less inclined to refuse my request? Otherwise, do you have any suggestions as to how I should approach people when making said requests? Although I am unsure whether her opinion is a commonly held one, I have been informed by one student that I am a "creepy-ass nerd" and that I should "talk like a normal human," both of which seem potentially connected to my failure to resonate with others.

Thank you,

Eric Underwood

Dear Phineas:

I did that for a decade and a half, it didn't help.  You got anything else?

And that hypothetical marriage would absolutely be ripe for annulment; it was entered into under false pretenses!  Infidelity of that sort takes effort that should have been devoted to one's partners, and it was not; ergo the hypothetical vows of devotion to eachother were false in the potentially-emasculable partner's case, ergo, it is null in the eyes of God!  ...Probably; I'll admit that I only know annulment exists because someone I know went through a Catholic divorce.

But seriously, suffering does not build virtue, only works build virtue.  Deeper meanings are all well and good, but what matters most is action to build a grace-full world.  I'm inverting the formula here a bit, but - here's my advice: do something nice for yourself.  You have worth in the eyes of God.

 

...Wow, I'm surprised I wrote that.  But seriously, you too deserve nice things.  And Mels don't you dare say whatever you're about to.  Shush.

----

Speaking of Mels, though -

Dear Mels:

Honestly, immersion therapy is not the worst idea I bet you've had.  Despite the fact that this is not how it works.

I do bet you know where the good clubs are around here, though.  Anywhere that won't kill my hearing?

-- Mira Grant (still under a pseudonym)

Dear writers,

Today while I was trying to climb one of the trees on campus to see better, I fell out and would have broken my back, except this girl caught me and said something about "catching a fallen angel." Then she called me cute before setting me down and leaving. And I think she's cute too??? Does this mean I'm gay???? Also if I am gay how do I find her again because I forgot to ask her name or her contact information.

Thanks,
Anxious Angel

Dear Writers, 

I accidentally removed the tip of my boyfriend's penis during sex. I have it on ice, but he doesn't want to go to the hospital because he doesn't have insurance. How do I reattach it myself? 

Hiyah Eric! 

I've always found offering to put part of my body on interesting parts of other people's bodies a fantastic way to get to know them. I'd be happy to meet up in person to show you what I mean ;P

.... What if this periodical was not tarnished by serving as Mels' dating service. 

Rather I'd recommend Mr. Underwood practice in a mirror, perhaps mimicking a professor or character he finds charming.   

Dear Mira,

I'd recommend searching for a new church, or a study group that can better serve as a close community to provide you comfort and companionship.

Sure Mira, here's a list of clubs I'm fond of [list]. One of them isn't even a strip club (not that I'll tell you which)!

Dear Lissa,

Cuuuuuute. I will find this person for you. You can send me any further info you have [here] and I will do my very best to connect you two lovebirds. 

(Gay girls are a myth, all girls are bi. Except for t-girls like yours truly who are gay either way we swing <3 )

No, it doesn't make you gay to have found a girl attractive in passing. I'd recommend not reading much into such a brief and passing interaction - you should try to move on with your life without paying it further attention. 

Dear Haver of the BEST Sex, 

IDK, he's a girl now. Fuck his ass and call it a day.

(And then call me ;) )

I assume this letter was fake (regardless of Mels' loud insistence next to me that it must be completely genuine) but in case it isn't: go to the hospital, helping with this on your own is not remotely feasible.

What'dya mean Phineas, I'm sure they fact check these letters before they get to us! Just the fact that it's getting printed should tip you off to it being real.

[Cackles madly at her own joke]

... This is a written periodical Mels, not a podcast (thank goodness) - no one can hear your cackling, even if you write it out like that. 

Dear Writers, 

Do you know how to get your hands on rohypnol, I need it for a school project. Also unrelatedly do you know if rohypnol interferes with erectile function

After googling this, I've reported this matter to the appropriate authorities. 

... Yeah, gotta back Phineas on this one.

(Mels may reach out to the author separately to see if they could use someone to chat with, but that particularly plot is outside the scope of this thread.)

Every time I have an important project due I find myself staying up five days in a row. This is fine, except my boyfriend 

- she considers the recipients of her letter, and the likelihood of her life changing course -

boyfriend husband fiancé is terribly worried for me. What shouldn't I do about this? 

Hey advice column people,

Any of you know how to get dust out of a phone? I kind of tore out the camera and now there's this big hole where the camera used to be and it's got a bunch of dust in the wires. I didn't want to wash it in the sink after what happened to my computer but I couldn't get the dust out with a towel or anything. I tried using my tongue and it kind of worked but I also got shocked. Is it okay to get your tongue shocked?

JJ

(this is, in fact, a true story)

Dear Phineas and Mels.

How to get big tiddy heart gf?

Dear Elwing!

The great thing 'bout guys is that you can make em forgive you for just 'bout everything if you fuck em enough, so try that? Not sure what you shouldn't do, so long as you do that.

I'd consider listening to your fiance on this, he has your best interests at heart,

Dear John,

Wow. Somehow that's the hottest phone repair issue I've head bout. How bout you tear my camera out.

As for your tongue's shocking discovery, it's fine - I've used improvised violet wands every which where and I'm still hardly brain damaged. ;) 

... Honestly, I hope Mels' example makes obvious how bad of an idea what you're doing is. Buy a new phone. 

Love you too bby

Sigh.

Thought you said no one can hear even if you type shit out here? :P

... Yes, I'll admit that sigh was just for me.

Dear vag avatar (vagatar?),

Easy! Fuck a guy in the ass. And then pay for her implants. 

Considering talking and actually getting to know someone on a deeper level. 

Oh my advice will sure get em known on a deeper level, if you know what I mean ;)

....

I will note for our readers that Mels has never had a relationship last longer than 2 months. Consider her as an example of what not to do. 

Hey Phineas, Jello boy's been a year and a half now!

... Mels, what is Jello boy's name?

Jello. Boy.

...

Dear Mels,

how are you so cute? , or as this is technically an advice column, how do I become as cute as you?

Spit, lube, and a whole lot of baking soda. 

I... really don't think you should be taking Mels' advice on this one. For as many as several reasons. However, as a practical matter of my duty to my readers, I'll relate what I can observe of Mels particular brand of ... charisma I suppose.

Mels is outgoing, more so than anyone I have ever met. I've assumed that being outgoing and without social boundaries would have significant downsides, and while Mels illustrates this quite clearly her determination to keep going forward is a sort of remarkable, I suppose. There's really very few people who can take up a room like she does, a center of attention driven by equal parts curiosity, fear, and excitement.

Still, I would caution against this - Mels' field of energy invigorates at a cost, and I do wish more people could see that.

DEER MELS AND FIL

I FOWND YOR ADVISE COLUM IN MY TEECHER'S DESK. I DO NOT UNERSTAND MOST OF THE THINGS IN IT BUT I KNO WAT ADVISE IS. HOW DO YOO RUN AWAY FRUM HOME SO THE COPS STOP TAKEING YOO BAK

[What follows this last letter would be a story of Mels attempting to adopt this child and Phineas reluctantly involving himself to make sure things don't go too badly.]

[It would be a hilarious and heartwarming story of found family - with Mels learning the concept of responsibility and Phineas learning that relying on traditional systems to help doesn't always work.]

[It would also completely derail this thread.]

[So I am tragically going to skip this letter for now.]