To: Neferueten Set

"Surprisingly not! We've gotten close to recruiting bards and skalds, but none of them stayed. We have people who can sing and dance, but not professionally, and certainly not to the extent bards can do. We're lacking in the performance art department. As for visual art, Conradia's skill with Fabricate is unparalleled. We do like to make art using magic, yes. It's become part of our aesthetic, which makes us all the more desirous to have bards join us. We pay very well!"

To: Marra

"I wouldn't use the word 'worried'. I don't like planning very far into the future – it's a waste of the gift that has been given to Us. We three are special in that We have never in Our lives known what it's like to live under prophecy, and within that ignorance We can shelter. I think Asmodeus and Iomedae are too busy fighting each other to care about Me. In the grand scheme of things, I am a very minor player (at least, for now!).

I suppose if there's something that I'm worried about, it'd be My followers potentially being Maledicted to Hell. I'm not sure whether My soul contracts would win out over the Malediction. I'm guessing not. In that case, I know You have an arrangement with Asmodeus to buy Marran souls from Him in exchange for Asmodean souls that You capture.

I refuse to permit any of My followers to suffer the indignity of Hell, so it would be nice if You could bargain with Him on My behalf should there be souls of My followers there: the soul contract lets Me know which plane they're on if I check. I'll arrange to have My church transport Marran bodies to Your church if My followers find them (although the scope of my church is small), and I'll have the Bronze Orchard people gift magic items to Your church proportional to the budget you have to spend to get My followers back, after You successfully negotiate for their release."

To: Marra

"Yeah, I'm not really worried either. See, You're asking about like, logistics and warfare and conflict, and that's like...not My thing. It's so terribly boring to talk logistics and whatnot – I have Conrad do all of it. Being in a relationship is great, even when You're a god. Have you tried marrying someone like Erecura and Dis? They seem to have a very successful marriage. The two of us are not married: marriage is a Lawful thing, and besides, our arrangement isn't exactly like marriage, so it wouldn't be very accurate to call it that.

As a treat, I'll have my wizards decorate all the magic items Conrad might send in the red-and-blue aesthetic of your church, just for you. I think it's lovely."

To: Nasik Eilifson

"I...think you have the timeline confused. When Conrad ascended, the Worldwound was already closed, or, at least, was in the process of being so. I defected to His side back when He was still a mortal.

At the time, I was a second-circle wondrous items enchanter, although I would often be called to help defend our fort when it was attacked, which was often. A huge horde of demons attacked our fort one day, and it was overrun. I...confess that I acted cowardly and fled rather than stay to defend or rescue people, and hid in the wilderness. It was terrible. I thought that I would die of starvation or demons or something before I managed to walk all the way to the nearest other fort, but I met Conrad and Damian and his group – Lucius and Rendon were with them.

They had heard of the swarm and knew the fortifications around the Worldwound, and they were seeing whether the fort was destroyed. If it was, they wanted to see if they could loot the items. It was – everyone was dead, except all the important people who had been Teleported out.

When I explained to them that I was a Chelish wizard, they seemed to soften up and become friendlier. They said that they would let me join them if I helped them raid the armory and storehouses for supplies. I agreed – it didn't really seem like I had a choice, being faced with this group of adventurers. You already know what happens after that, I think.

As for your other question: Conrad will only consider himself your ally and be beholden to you if you're either ordained by Him or if you have a soul contract with Him. Otherwise, you can worship as much as you want, and it won't amount to anything – you won't go to the Silver Garden. If you try to receive a soul contract and are refused, then you can try again, though. We have not heard of anyone being refused with prejudice – usually the succubus or incubus that delivers the news of the refusal will also deliver suggestions as to what steps the person can take to improve their chances, but it's theoretically possible."

To: Conradia

Oops, yeah I don't have a lot of book-learning, sorry. I assume you were Lawful Evil before you fled and Neutral Evil afterward? When did you become Chaotic Evil?

How do you request a soul contract? What do Conrad's half-fiends (I think that's right?) do in the Silver Garden other than train and fight? Do they have free time? Do they have personal goals other than strength? What do you hope to do when you get to the Silver Garden?

To: Nasik Eilifson

"I'm pretty sure that was the case, but I can't be sure, exactly. At the time, I was too weak to ping alignment detection spells. Conrad They Damian didn't care about the alignment of people while I was working with Them, but They did tend not to recruit Good people. Less because they were unwilling to permit them to join on account of simply being Good, but because of the Good people being repulsed by Them.

Honestly, I had my alignment checked only after They ascended, when They had inquisitors that had alignment detection at will. Presumably all the stealing and pillaging we did at the Worldwound caused me to become Chaotic, though when I crossed that threshold I don't know.

You request a soul contract by asking a third-circle cleric of Conrad (presuming you want to join His church and not Damian's) to cast Planar Inquiry for you, to let them know that you're interested. They may ask you to do some task: for Conradians it is common for the summoned fiend to want to observe you dueling with someone. After that, they'll leave and come back several hours later and tell you what the result is. If it's successful, then you'll need to have a fourth-circle cleric cast Planar Ally instead – Planar Inquiry only allows talking. Once that's cast, you'll be given the contract to read and sign.

Usually, at the Bronze Orchard, we have Rendon cast it, because as the High Priest, he has the power to unilaterally void soul contracts and excommunicate them from the church. I think we'll shift to a more decentralized scheme once we expand, though how that will shake out I don't know. Ask the clerics.

The next day, the contract will take effect, and you'll receive the boon that the soul contract gives you. There's a small selection to choose from. I chose Fiendskin, which bestows energy resistance. I have cold resistance now, which really helps when you're working at Sarkoris Scar.

We turn into half-fiends when we reach Him, but He has demons too. Not many, though, since the vast majority of them He sees as unfit to work for Him. Unlike basically every other Chaotic Evil deity, Conrad and Damian contribute to Pharasma's forces in guarding the River of Souls from daemons, though that's mostly because Their outsiders need to be there to shepherd the soulbound to the Silver Garden. Still, it makes Pharasma happy, and generally it's good to have Pharasma in your favor.

Yes, they have free time, though the scheduling is different since outsiders don't need to eat or sleep. Yes, they do. He does very little shaping of souls, but tons of selection.

You get to keep your channeling capacity as an outsider, presuming your soul isn't broken apart into separate bodies like with dretches, although the process of casting as an outsider is radically different from casting as a mortal. It's much harder, and you have to start from scratch. I'll have all the time in the world to get up to seventh-circle, though. The half-fiends currently at the Silver Garden – there are only a few dozen of them – have only gotten up to first-circle spells."

To god!Damian

The proposed deal with you and Conrad sounds good. Since you are not Lawful, how will it be enforced? One option is for Abadar to hold a small amount of each of our intervention-ability in escrow to be given as compensation to the injured party if one of us breaks our word. Alternatively, if you as a demon lord have the machinery to verify my legible commitments, and thus only your side of the agreement is in question, it would be cheaper for all three of us if we added another deal: I will rent a few of your outsiders to defend my realm, and keep them as compensation if you fail in your promises to me.

Thank you for decorating the items you send me. It will be good for the souls of my followers.

I love assigning tasks to those who are well suited to them! Who else do you fruitfully trade with with?

What is your relationship with Conrad like? I am curious to learn about the close relationships between gods. There are so few examples and I want to make sure I'm not missing out on anything.

If information from you or Conrad substantially benefits me I will pay you according to [this algorithm].

To: Marra

"The Abadar option is best. I think Abadar is boring, but He's boring in a good way. Conrad and I have a great relationship with Him. Well, as good as Chaotic demon lords can with the Lawfulliest Neutralest Lawful Neutral god who ever Lawfully Neutraled. Yes, I am able to read You being legible to me. I cannot do the same, unless it's the sort of thing that is very aligned with My goals. We would be fine with renting You outsiders to defend You realm, but Conrad will find the clause where You can keep them to be unacceptable. He'll throw a fit.

Abadar. He loves trade, and He's willing to deal even with demon lords. We're in talks for Him to help us set up the interplanar trading hub We're making as a competitor to Shamira's. That seems like a thing You should consider, since people would probably prefer to visit Stonepeak rather than Hell. That might fall afoul of Your agreement with Asmodeus, though. Dispater certainly wouldn't like it.

Hahaha. I proudly hold the title of the most Lawful demon lord, so usually I negotiate on His behalf. He's not the type of person to negotiate. We're able to do that because we are shaped to care about the other person's wants and desires, such that I can make a deal He normally wouldn't, but that He'll respect, because I'm the one who made it for Him. I could tell you about having sex as a god, but it doesn't seem like that is the type of information you're looking for.

It is known that Sarenrae, Desna, and Shelyn are fucking each other – or the Good equivalent thereof – and that Cayden Cailean keeps trying to woo Them to no avail. It's very sad to look at. Does the man not know about lesbians? I tried to talk to the three of Them about this, but Sarenrae and Desna only want to talk to Me in the context of Me redeeming Myself, and Shelyn finds Me repugnant and refuses to talk to Me at all.

It's very hurtful. Am I really that ugly?"

To: Bronze Orchard leadership

I imagine that you let people choose how they are trained, at least to some degree? Do you have any set curriculums? Can you predict what kind of training will work well for people before they try it? I hear that you have excellent ability to measure improvements in strength - how do you measure Damianite virtue?

To: Meicona Tialani

"Yes, we do. Rather than us telling people which training they should pursue, we permit them to choose whatever they want to train in. We come in with regard to sponsoring that training. 

Everyone is free to study or train in their free time, with materials paid for by themselves. However, if we feel that a person is well suited to a particular path, we will offer to sponsor their training in it. This means freeing them up from their duties – their duties now become training and studying – as well as paying for teachers (or freeing up the time of teachers, if they are a part of the church, which is more likely), and materials.

Which paths we sponsor depends on the status of the person in the church – we are much more reluctant to sponsor training for those not soulbound – as well as their capabilities. We would not sponsor a person with 11 INT to pursue wizard training (although we often teach non-spellcasters in the church Prestidigitation or Mending for both theological and practical reasons). We would sponsor either wizard or magus training to someone who was both Intelligent and Strong, or Intelligent and Dextrous, even if it might be more optimal for them to go for one path or the other because of other factors.

We also often get requests to sponsor this or that project, which we assess based on likelihood of success and expected improvement. This extends not just to training programs, but things like figuring out a new wondrous item enchantment.

We do not have set curricula for people because of theological reasons. Conrad believes that overspecialization breeds weakness. You become strong in the way that a crystal is strong: it is hard and strong, but not tough. It will easily shatter if you cut it along its cleavage planes. It makes it very easy to plan troop movements and the like – it makes the churches' forces legible – but there is weakness hidden in it. An amorphous shape prevents gaping weaknesses, similar to how oozes are immune to precision damage applied by a rogue. Therefore, we permit people to pursue whatever they feel will make them better. We also tend to disdain mass instruction and prefer one-on-one tutoring or apprenticeships.

We don't bother with measuring Damianite virtue. If someone has cultivated enough of it to be soulbound, then that is good enough for us. Soul contracted people are valued only partially for their virtue, the other factor is how useful they are to the church. For clerics, well, if Damian sees fit to award them more circles, then it means that they have cultivated enough virtue to be deserving."

To: god!Conrad (via prayer from outside Pharasma's Creation)

*Imagines a huge human man holding a sword as long as he is tall and a foot wide at the base. He points it at a yelling crowd of human men, and a few anthropomorphic cats and dogs, who all fall silent and stare at him.*

*Imagines the man seated at an annular table. The space in the hole in the table is filled with Illusions of text, numbers, graphs, maps, human men, and various anthropomorphic mammals. He says something, clipped and stern.*

*Imagines the man at a desk whose surface is a - scrying mirror? - with books propped open on angled shelves above and to the sides. He gazes off into the distance, suddenly nods and looks down, and speaks firmly, satisfied.*

Conrad, sir? I don't know if you can hear me, my telepathy is broken. I tried to think about strength really hard, sir. My broken telepathy is what I wanted to talk about. Do you know how to make it stronger? I don't know if you have telepathy in your universe... Do you have any, uh, generic advice? Uh details... it's not completely broken, I can pick up feelings sometimes and my alpha can usually read me a bit. But I'm not really a proper part of my pack. They've been really nice to me, but I'm worried that if I can't get better at handling the pups they might not want me anymore. Can you help? What do you want from me in exchange, sir?

Obediently yours, W'Marit Opravolk 402-19-5, uh, Opravolk is registered in Earthport, on Manhome, I don't know how to specify better than that.