Our country is winning again. In fact, we're winning so much that we really don't know what to do about it. People are asking me, "Please, please, please, Lord Asmodeus, we're winning too much. We can’t take it anymore." (frantic villain laugh)

"Died and went to Hell" doesn't count as winning for that wizard girl! At least her family got paid. Though I don't want my family got paid if that requires me dying and going to Hell at eighteen! Maybe I can avoid this as long as I don't go around seducing paladin boys?

…Actually that's still too hopeful. What if I am conscripted to the Worldwound like mom? There's lots of scary demons and I may die. Mom said lots of soldiers had died there. Am I not to serve Asmodeus in life and also in death? I don't mind helping out, our Lord seems busy making devils so He cares less about correcting stupid rules here in Cheliax.

Hold on that's also I-dos and not do-to-mes.

When I die, I will go to Hell. Are devils in Hell stupid? Asmodeus is competent enough to make smart devils. But what if they want to punish me though I did nothing wrong, like the unwise drunk did to me and the smart wizard teachers did to the Standard Punishment girl?

They totally wanna! That's what I called tyranny and slavery!

Is it the case, Asmodean prayers for children?

There isn't any description other than "Hell shalt hurt at first and maketh the worthy souls devils at last."

That's not much information! Will I be paid for serving Asmodeus in death or turning into a cool devil is itself the payment? Who decides whether I am worthy? I mean, I am definitely worthy, I know and Asmodeus knows, but what if devils don't know and hurt me because heresy?

Then don't be a heretic in the first place. You are unworthy before our Lord and would only make a devil if you stop being a fucking heretic. And do you know the simplest way to stop being a heretic? No? It's stop believing heretical thoughts you idiot.

Well, I shouldn't be hopeful. Being hopeful always ends up badly, according to the poorly rhymed prayers. And every time I feel a bit hopeful for the awful dad, he will disappoint me afterwards. Maybe I should just assume that devils are stupid in the way smart adults are stupid. And will hurt me in Hell. Let me think along that chain of thought…

And remind me again, Asmodean prayers and story book about stupid paladin boy, how is Hell like? Does it hurt people often or rarely? Is it as painful as a few lashes, Acid Splashes, burning or iron virgin?

Constantly on fire, no payment for slaves. Always. Burning and torture chambers.

We don't lie about these fundamental theologies we are just very good at making Chelish people not thinking that way. You yes you how dare you think that way fuck stop.

Oh, that sucks. And that's evidence that devils are stupid in stupid adults' way, you can't make me helpful or even obedient by constantly setting me on fire. I'll just scream and kick until you stop hurting the best one ever and if you don't stop I will run away and if you lock me in a torture chamber then I will not be locked in a torture chamber in the first place. That's a useful thought, not being locked in a torture chamber in the first place. Noted.

And how long will people hurt until they become cool devils? If that's a few rounds I can endure it. Acid Splash lasts this long. I'll consider running away if that's more than, say, thirty minutes.

Indefinitely! That ranges from decades to millennials, usually centuries. But ultimately all the worthy ones become devils. (You are not supposed to think about the fate of the unworthy ones.)

That's more than five years! I'm just five-year-old! No deal.

So, I'm going to run away from Hell. How can I end up in somewhere else that is not Hell, when I die? Any thoughts, prayers and story book?

They say Hell is inescapable. You know stupid adults often lie to children and get away with their poor lies. Not even Bluff, just blatant lies like when the mockery of a dad promised about a birthday present and gave me Acid Splash instead saying that was the present. He wanted to be Lawful and keep his promise but forgot that promise entirely because he's drunk again and therefore hurt me out of no reason. Just lies told to children.

When they say Hell is inescapable, they're lying again. Why? If the paladin boy wasn't Maledicted he wouldn't go to Hell. He's a paladin of Sarenrae so he would go to Sarenrae's afterlife. And it's Pharasma doing the sorting, She is Neutral so She won't sort everyone to Hell. Asmodeus is Her subordinate in Her tyranny. Therefore Hell is not inescapable.

Why are they lying? Of course because they want Hell full of unpaid slaves which is good for their profit. So they want nursery children to prepare for Hell by reciting prayers that's stupid they can just hurt people less and pay us. That's how you get a grown-up Shreya to work for you. Stupid adults and stupid devils.

Digression detected. Now how can I end up in somewhere else that is not Hell, when I die? Useful thought, not being locked in a torture chamber in the first place.

Am I locked in a torture chamber now? The nursery sucks but not necessarily in the torture chamber way. Cheliax moreso because more stupid adults, but still not locked. Being in Hell as a petitioner? That seemed locked indeed, it's plane border instead of just country border.

Stupid people want me to become Lawful Evil so they can get unpaid slaves locked in the torture chamber of Hell. When I grow up, they will teach me Acid Splash and I'll cast it on children my age as Standard Punishment. That will make me Evil. They will force me to obey stupid rules to avoid punishments. That will make me Lawful. They will see me as a powerful rich wizard rather than a child and that will result in more Detect Thoughts and more punishments to heresy. And when I become Lawful Evil I will be damned to Hell as an unpaid slave suffering for more than the entire length of my lifetime. If I'm not Lawful Evil, I will sell my soul to a devil like the Teleported-in fifth circle wizard did and if I refuse, I will be Maledicted and executed so I'll end up in Hell nonetheless. That's why the Teleported-in wizard sold his soul.

Also Asmodeus won't hear my prayer in Hell and accept my help and pay me and immediately turn me into a cool devil because there will be stupid devils in between.

What the Abyss that's completely insane. When I put all the jigsaws together why I see literally the worst future. What the fucking Abyss are they going to do to me.

I see this future and can't deny its possibility, and it is a future that the best one ever does not deserve, so I must get a better one. 

So I'm going to escape Cheliax before I grow up, get more Detect Thoughts cast on me, become Lawful Evil, sell my soul or get Maledicted.

(Why everyone else can stand it. I can't stand it for one more day.)

Louder?

Why everyone else can stand it. I can't stand it for one more day. And they may Detect my Thoughts at any time so I should escape right now.

There I am and I'm the best.

Now next up: how can I escape?

I can sneak out the nursery but may get caught next morning. A child wandering in Corentyn without a custodian is suspicious and someone may report me. I can ask some adults for help. A church of another god, maybe. Can I find one tonight? Are there any?