He doesn't seem bothered at all that she has to touch him; he smiles at her. "Thank you. And because They will try anything that has a one-in-a-hundred chance of temporarily killing me and do not actually care about the collateral damage? Also this time was maybe just to distract me, it delayed tracking down the assassin and they had time to take a fast-acting poison before I got there and now I still have no idea who the ringleaders are and it is probably going to keep happening and–"

- he stops himself. Takes a deep breath; looks sort of ruefully at his hand, which is trembling slightly. "...Sorry. Delayed shock-reaction, I think, but - I am fine. I should probably start at the beginning – unless you are busy, or were planning to sleep soon? I would very much like to complain to you about this horrible religion but you are not obliged to listen to me grumble about the unfairness of the world." 

"I don't mind." She doesn't smile. Her tentative guess is that he is more threatened by friendliness than calm neutrality.

(Altarrin would not in fact complain about some friendliness right now! Calm neutrality is fine too, though.) 

"So - Taymyrr, right, half of it is recently conquered and still giving us trouble - there is a bizarrely well-supplied and well-organized resistance and they keep trying to assassinate the local leadership who are cooperating with us, which is obviously not making people any more comfortable about cooperating - and then the other half is being much more problematic than it has any right to. When this happens it is very often organized by some religious order that has successfully gone underground, and General Isktar is reluctant to push too hard on executing everyone with any kind of past temple affiliation, which is - not unreasonable in isolation, executing well-regarded community leaders is an excellent way to end up with a conquered people that hates you and that will not help either, but."

Shrug. "I thought maybe Anathei at first, He was the most popular god in Stormhaven, with the largest and wealthiest temple, which we destroyed but some of the priesthood could have survived and stayed in the city in hiding, and Anathei is also popular in Oris and Zoskin, so their temple orders could be funneling money and resources here. After some investigation, though, I think it is not that. ...There is a traveling merchant class who worship the Sky-Father and Earth-Mother, and they were - rather ill-treated by the previous administration, and so have some practice in staying hidden and are used to being oppressed for their faith, but I think they are not involved, which is a relief, I also dislike - starting off by selectively mistreating specific ethnic groups, it is so antithetical to what the Empire is supposed to be..." 

He grimaces. "And then, of course, I found evidence that the Empire of Holy Ithik is involved after all, despite the fact that their god Atet was - as far as I can tell, one of the least popular ones to worship in Taymyrr previously, reasonably so because their state religion is horrible and I am not sure why anyone not mandated by their government to practice it would choose it over all the much nicer ones! And there was one minor monastery dedicated to Him was burned to the ground with everyone inside by their own priest, so I am not really sure where all these worshippers of Atet are coming from." 

He scowls, though not at Carissa. "You would hate their religion so much! They are just - inexplicably terrible in all the ways that would frustrate you in particular. They claim there is an afterlife, which I am quite sure is not even true, and they are so - socially repressive, and hierarchical - nobles are supposed to get a much nicer afterlife than anyone else, and Atet will supposedly punish you in the afterlife for 'shaming' him by having ambitions above your station. Also they hate women! They think Gifts are well-regarded in the eyes of Atet - being Gifted will also get you a nicer afterlife supposedly - but not for women, women who have Gifts are shameful to Atet and not allowed to use them and the only allowable thing for a Gifted woman to do is bear Gifted children! It is so stupidly wasteful. And they think women with Foresight specifically are bad luck and used to burn them to death to make up the shame to Atet - Ithik's current high priest is slightly less horrible than that, so these days they are just blinded and forced into a life of solitary confinement and prayer - and they do not get a nice afterlife allotment either. I have no idea why this religion exists or how it possibly became popular enough to be enforced in an entire small Empire. I suppose I am not sure it is actually worse than Asmodeanism but I am very sure you will personally hate it much more." 

"You're right! I do! Asmodeanism teaches that you're worthless because you suck, not because of who your parents are - when I say it like that it sounds silly but I think it was - important to me, that I was worthless because of qualities I actually had and could change - and what made me give up, in the end, was that He wasn't actually - He wasn't using everyone as best He could -

I don't even see - how most of those things serve Atet - can gods even notice gender -"

"I suspect not very directly! I - suppose a society like the Holy Empire of Ithik might be slower to change? Because there are fewer opportunities for advancement for anyone not born to the right parents, and because they are completely wasting the skills of half of their population - it is not just women with Gifts who are discouraged from doing anything, I think most of their girls are not even sent to school. And treating the sexes differently seems to be - sticky, in societies that do it, the pattern maintains itself unless conditions change. So under our theory that gods dislike Foresight noise, maybe Atet approves of it for that reason? And -"

He pauses. Looks thoughtful. 

"...I think that makes sense to me, actually. Why you prefer that element of Asmodeanism. It is not how I think about the world, obviously, but it is much closer to it than the religion of Ithik. Most people are - not living up to their potential, and that does bother me - I just disagree with Asmodeus on what sort of world actually pushes people to become the strongest versions of themselves." 

And the Empire isn't that world, and isn't on a path to building it. He's known that for a while, on some level, it just took an Owl's Wisdom to the face to - propagate it and follow the implications. 

"I don't think Asmodeus actually wanted us to be the strongest versions of ourselves. Literate and educated and wizard-trained and rich, yes, but - probably mostly because Cheliax was losing ground against the rest of the world and He needed that to change - but there could be a god very like Asmodeus who I'd still be faithful to, who preferred the strong to the weak so tried to make people stronger." Shrug. "How do you stamp out churches, if you don't want to just kill their followers?"

"Killing their leaders, much more often than I would prefer, though whenever possible we instead bribe - or compulsion - them to stop proselytizing, and work for us instead. And we replace all of the functions that used to be provided by the temples with secular versions, and ideally much better versions. In newly-conquered regions we provide free childcare for very young children, free schooling up to age twelve, and the school serves two meals a day - we offer Healing at low prices, and free Healing for life-threatening emergencies - we set up banks so that families can save money, we sell books at subsidized prices, we build community facilities with magical heating and lighting..."

Shrug. "Most worshippers are not - true believers - they go to a temple for mundane reasons, because the temple orders provide important services. And because it is their tradition, but - most people do not end up holding to that tradition once it is illegal and can only be practiced in secret and with great danger. And we offer the most clever and hardworking children, the ones who might otherwise become temple leaders, places at schools in the capital, and then lucrative jobs, and usually after a generation there is - no longer enough momentum even for underground religious practice. We - put up with more problems than I would like, when we approach things gently, and we cannot always afford that - I think we may not be able to afford it in Taymyrr - but it makes for stabler provinces in the long run, when we use a carrot rather than a stick." 

Shrug. "In theory. It is often less - nice - than that in reality." 

"Cheliax did most of that. Daycare's also good for parents not getting too attached to their kids, and getting the kids to report them. I don't know - obviously Asmodeanism is illegal in many Good places but I don't know how they get rid of it. I think in Galt they just killed pretty much everyone educated or with ties to the government or with the wrong friends or -" Shrug. 

"- you hate it. Don't you? I - think I just wouldn't do it, if it bothered me that much."

"...Honestly, I cannot see Asmodeanism being very appealing to people who have other options. It - seems like a religion that is convincing mostly because it is the dominant power in Cheliax, so it is - more credible that Asmodeus will win - and because Cheliax bans other sources of information?" Shrug. "It might help that there is a more clearly defining line around the 'true believers' - if it were my choice I would likely execute the clerics of Asmodeus, who are granted power and benefits from Him in exchange for their faith." 

He looks down. "...Though, yes, I would hate it. I suppose I hate it here as well. I just– I have yet to come up with a plan that I hate less. Building a god with fifty million lives is...not something that would feel much like a victory either." 

Carissa thinks that probably it would, not immediately but once you got to live in comfort and luxury on your fixed planet forever. She decides not to share this opinion, which seems maybe more Asmodean than she's aiming for these days. 

It feels - good, mostly, to get confirmation she was reading him right and he hates it here, that he's doing this because he can't think of anything he doesn't hate doing. She already suspected it; better to know. And he probably doesn't hate her specifically, just as part of a life he is living out of stubborn Goodness when he doesn't want to.

...she suspects he's not doing the dath ilani thing here, and it might help if she could tell him what it is, but she doesn't know. "have more fun" will just come across as flirting, which is...not not what she would do if she knew how, but -

"It seems like there's something strange about being - this powerful and this trapped."

It's bizarrely frustrating right now not to be able to read Carissa's mind! Which he couldn't even if he had Thoughtsensing in this body, because he gave her a shield-talisman, because having it makes her stronger, and he obviously wants his allies to be stronger and it - still doesn't, entirely, feel like Carissa believes that. Maybe someday, if he demonstrates it consistently and often enough by his actions. 

"Maybe." Shrug. "I am still only human, in a world with gods who will not speak to me and who disapprove of most of what I think is important. Maybe not unreasonably. Maybe there...could have been a real victory, in Predain - in Tantara, with Urtho - before the Cataclysm. But I - made mistakes, and this entire world is still paying the price for them, and I can hardly blame the gods for being paranoid about me now. I cannot even remember what my mistakes were, I might still be making them over and over–" 

A rueful, unhappy smile. "- Sorry. I - usually only dwell on it when you cast Owl's Wisdom for me." 

"I'm pretty sure I made worse mistakes than that and I mostly don't dwell on it at all."

Well. Altarrin has no idea how to respond to that. 

(It kind of shows. He doesn't look upset, exactly, but his body language shifts, tighter and closed and so so tired.)

"We can leave, someday, when we have the resources accumulated for it and it makes more sense to work on our plans somewhere else. I am reasonably sure the Empire is not going to collapse in my absence, just become more like Cheliax."

He frowns. "Actually, I meant to ask, where are you on figuring out Teleport? I - arranged for a shipment from the mine to be 'captured by bandits', since the weekly production is now much more than you need. I stashed it in a cave four hundred miles from here - I can Gate there for you, if you need to have seen a location to Teleport to it, or I can draw a map for you to memorize if that is enough - there is about fifty pounds. I would feel more comfortable if you had that backup option." Another unhappy not-smile. "In case I am not careful enough, next time the gods make an attempt on my life." 

Carissa has literally no idea how to interpret the combination of "upset and withdrawn again" and "extremely generous offer". "I would ideally have seen it. I successfully prepared Teleport, yesterday; I didn't use it, because I wasn't sure if I had leave while you were out and I only had one, but I can cast the spell now."

"Oh. ...You should ask Ellitrea about that sort of thing, or Merda - you do not need my permission to cast spells but I suspect you are still lacking some context here, and - it would be safer to check if anything you are planning is risky. Though I think you know that, you are - careful."

His tone is - fond, maybe, or admiring, though it's hard to tell because mostly he looks so tired. 

"I can show you where. Tomorrow." He glances over at the hat. "...What are you working on? I was not aware magic hats were a technique you knew - is it a variant on the headbands -?" 

A jolt of terror, which she hides in favor of a chiding smile. "Can't a girl have some secrets?"

It's reasonably likely that the answer is 'absolutely not' but in that case this is a decent context in which to learn that.

Altarrin's expression is that of someone who is absolutely no idea how to respond to that and is not really in the mood to put cognitive effort toward figuring it out. (He doesn't look upset.) 

"- If there are - operational security concerns - that makes sense? Though no one is going to read my mind about it. ...You do not need to tell me, to be clear, I want you to - feel comfortable making your own decisions and setting your own priorities, that is important - just, I think I would feel more comfortable if you were talking to someone here with more context. Merda, maybe?" 

And he's maybe going to lie down, now. (Paying somewhat less attention to making sure Carissa has lots of space on her side of the bed and won't need to worry about touching him, because he's too tired to track that either.) 

- that could almost definitely have gone worse?

She is, in fact, planning to bring Merda in on her plans, because she doesn't know how to get close to the Emperor otherwise. But not quite yet.

(At one point in the night Altarrin moves and startles her awake but she just holds very still until she's confident it was accidental and then scoots away and falls back asleep. It's no big deal. She is on the farthest possible edge of the bed in the morning but hopefully he won't think much of it.)

(He sleeps more restlessly than usual. His nightmares aren't very loud or disruptive, but he hasn't yet had a chance to write up notes on what happened and sort his various emotional reactions into neat boxes so they stop disturbing his sleep.) 

It's still early, once they've both had their requisite two candlemarks of sleep, and if Carissa wants he can raise a Gate to the cave where he stashed her spellsilver, and let her have a look? He'll siphon off more later if he feels like he can get away with it, but fifty pounds should be quite a lot to work with, if she ends up needing to work on her own while she waits for him to incarnate again and find her - he assures her that he'll look for her there, he's left notes for himself in all of his other records-caches. 

(Unspoken: if she decides not to stay there and wait for him, she could make herself quite hard to find. It feels - important - to give her that option.)

(He also doesn't mention that he left a copy of his current notes on immortality options for her. Arguably he should, it just - feels like it might be a complicated and fraught conversation, and he doesn't have the energy for it right now. But if anything happens, his notes will be there for her to find.) 

And then he does have to hurry off, after their breakfast together, because he's been away for days and is yet again behind on all of his routine work. 

Carissa isn't sure if this place is a miserable place or if it's just Altarrin. 

Just because Asmodeus sucks doesn't mean her past assessment of Good was incorrect; it could be exactly as stupid as it seems.

She works on her hat.

Ketar has a scheduled meeting with Merda that evening. (It's set up discreetly; she has a regular dictation assignment for the assistant to the Minister of the Treasury - which is very easy, the man talks slowly and often spends half of it getting distracted with other work - and Ketar spends that block of time in an adjacent room "catching up on notes" from his earlier Thoughtsensing loyalty-checks.)

:Carissa had a conversation at the court party last night. With - Dianta, I think is her name? She used to be one of Altarrin's women. She was trying to give Carissa advice, about - getting Altarrin to find her a place for herself longer term, though obviously she doesn't know the whole story here - but I think it sort of shook Carissa. She...could probably use advice: 

Hopefully this is not incredibly suspicious???? Not that he's sure what he's worried about, here, it's not like Carissa is meaningfully being disloyal to Altarrin or like any of them are being disloyal to the Empire and the Emperor. 

:Huh. I guess I can talk to her. Did she say anything revealing? Did you notice anyone else noticing?:

:No one in the room noticed that I could tell - and I could read most of them - but someone could've been scrying, they weren't behind shields - I don't have anyone specific in mind, mostly just - if someone's asking questions about her, who we don't know about...: 

Shrug. 

:She's - nervous. I think partly that Altarrin...isn't attached, or doesn't like her as a person, or something, and so she doesn't feel like he'll necessarily keep protecting her? I - think she's probably misreading him somehow but I don't know. And -: he hesitates, :she said, 'if you don't have someone protecting you it's not actually good to be valuable' - though I said that probably the worst outcome is someone gets compulsions on her and forces her to make them magic items, and she thought that was fine....: 

Heeee should proooooobably say something about Carissa wanting to seduce the Emperor in order to be safer - which might even be a good idea, if it takes some of the pressure off Altarrin, leaves him with more to focus on their actual plan here whatever it is - but he...is maybe going to wait and see how Merda reacts to this first. 

Merda raises a metaphorical mental eyebrow. :Have you noticed Altarrin being irritated with her?: