"—Don't be silly, Dudley, people can't talk to snakes," he says quickly.

Uncle Vernon does not look convinced.

And the zoo director makes Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea and apologises over and over again, but that's it for them. Back to the car.

By which time Dudley's certain the snake nearly bit off his leg and Piers insists it tried to squeeze him to death.

The snake never did anyone any harm and he—consciously stops himself from wishing they wouldn't tell such awful lies about it, because look how wishing things turned out for him last time.

They get home and by then Vernon's playing along with Dudley and Piers' adventure story. The boy's parents arrive to pick him up soon after, and then he turns his previously concealed fury back to Victor.

"Go—cupboard—stay—no meals."

Petunia runs over to the kitchen to get him some brandy.

He'd really been starting to think he had it, that he'd never slip up again, never have another strange thing happen, never be locked in the cupboard again - it's been months since the last time, almost half a year, that's practically forever - he didn't do anything wrong - that poor snake probably got caught and put back in its enclosure as soon as they left...

He curls up in his tiny bed in his little cupboard and closes his eyes and tries not to cry. Things happen when he gets upset. It's important not to get upset.

The snake actually somehow managed to escape the zoo, and that earns him his longest-ever punishment. By the time he's allowed out of the cupboard for anything other than school the summer holidays have started and Dudley has already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.

The biggest problem with summer holidays is, of course, that Dudley's gang visits every day: Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon, each bigger and stupider than the last, and Dudley, being the biggest and stupidest of the lot, is of course their leader. And their favourite sport: Victor hunting.

Victor makes himself scarce as much as possible without neglecting his chores. The last thing he wants is to give Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia the idea that he's turned lazy or rebellious; that'll just get him locked in the cupboard again, and over summer holidays they wouldn't even have to let him out for school. Being locked in the cupboard for weeks at a time without school to go to gets... bad.

In September, though, they're all going to secondary school. Dudley and Piers have been accepted to Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings, but Victor's going to Stonewall High, the local state high school. Dudley finds this hilarious.

"They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he tells Victor. "Want to come upstairs and practice?"

"I don't think that would be very fair to the toilet," says Victor. And then he finishes dusting the mantelpiece and walks quickly out of the room, because somehow he doubts Dudley will be moved by this argument even if he manages to understand it.

One day in July Aunt Petunia takes Dudley to London to buy his uniform and leaves Victor at Mrs. Figg's, who seems to have lost some of her erstwhile fondness for her cats given that she broke her leg tripping over one.

That's a pity. He is as polite as ever, and asks if she needs any help cleaning up or anything, it's not fair for her to have to do everything for herself while she's injured.

He's such a darling. Yes, she'd love some help, and here, have some chocolate.

(Which tastes like it might be a hundred years old.)

Hundred-year-old chocolate is still an improvement on no chocolate at all. He tidies things up and washes dishes and vacuums carpets and brings Mrs. Figg a nice cup of tea and some toast with jam.

He is such a charming, helpful young man, and Mrs. Figg is sure to tell his uncle and aunt this when he returns home.

That evening, Dudley parades around the living room for the family in his brand-​new uniform. Smeltings' boys wear maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. They also carry knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers aren't looking. This is supposed to be good training for later life.

Dudley looks silly, but then, Dudley hardly ever manages not to.

There's a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Victor goes in for breakfast. It seems to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink.

That's... mildly worrying?

The tub seems to be full of what looks like dirty rags swimming in gray water.

Aunt Petunia walks into the kitchen and doesn't spare the tub a glance.

All right then, he can assume it's none of his business and commence making breakfast.

Dudley and—

—Uncle Vernon come in, wearing identical expressions of disgust. Uncle Vernon opens his newspaper as usual and Dudley bangs his stick on the table as he's been wont to do lately.

He makes sure that everything about breakfast is perfect in the hope that no one will choose to blame him for the horrible smell.