"....Ohhhh. You - must be the god - goddess? - er, sorry if that's, um, sexist or something? - who Leareth decided to ally with? ....I'm glad. I think he really needs allies." 

(And he wanted Vanyel to be one of them. Vanyel can see that, now, better than he ever could before - and he can also see that he can't, because he can't do this without Tylendel wait was that the name he meant to think he isn't even sure...) 

"There is a great deal to do and it is very difficult to try to do it alone."

"I know." Better than anyone else, Vanyel thinks bitterly. 

No point trying to avoid this conversation. If he refuses to talk to Her, he's pretty sure She will just kick him back to the Shadow-Lover, who will be way less useful to talk to. Vanyel shrugs and sits down in one of the chairs. 

"I'm not going back," he says, conversationally. "I assume that's what you're about to try to talk me into, but - I'm done." 

"Do you want an afterlife?"

Vanyel laughs, despite himself, harshly. "Depends. Is Tylendel there?" 

"No. And I don't know if I'll be able to get Yfandes, either. It'd be like this, where you wouldn't feel it as much."

"...I don't know."

Right now, it feels like he doesn't know anything, anymore. Including why the god of defeating Evil is bothering to talk to him. What more is this supposed to accomplish. He did the thing, it was incredibly hard but he - figured it out, and he made it north and he warned Leareth and warned Her people and that's already so much more than anyone should have asked of him, except that of course reality doesn't care what is and isn't too much to bear, reality has never cared about that... 

"Yfandes will figure it out tomorrow. How to break - the restraint that prevents her from following you."

For a long time, Vanyel's mind seems to skid off the surface of those words, not letting the sentence quite come together in his thoughts. 

"...What. I - how - how do you know -" 

"...Foresight? It was going to take longer but we worked out how to speed it up, the local god and I. It would always have happened."

Vanyel swallows. It...should mean something. It should change things... It doesn't feel like it changes anything but that feeling is just wrong. 

"That's surprising," he says dully. "It didn't seem like she - had any surface where she could even start thinking about it? ...Goddamnit. You're going to tell me I have to go back, aren't you. Because otherwise she dies, and - and then Valdemar won't know, that it's possible - that it doesn't mean we can't work with You -" He clenches his hands together in my lap. "And then you're going to want me to fight in your war so we can prevent Asmodeus from getting Iftel, and I - I know it's important, I know, I, just, why can't anyone ever say that I've done enough?" 

"You can die, if you want. We might be able to save Yfandes; I think Golarion magic has some applicable elements."

"I don't know what I want. It's not like it's ever mattered, before." 

"Well, we're not in any hurry."

"Are we not? I assume this is distracting you or something, at the very least, and you've got a lot on your plate." 

"If we were in a hurry, I would tell you that; it would be a disservice to you to pretend otherwise."

"...I guess I should try to think about it, then. I - owe that much to Yfandes, at least." 

But he's so tired. Not physically, not even mentally, exactly; here in the white emptiness, nothing hurts and his body moves easily and he feels...fine.

It doesn't matter, though. He knows what things will be like, back in the world of the living, and he's so incredibly tired of endless pointless arguments and that LOOK on Tran's face every time Vanyel says anything about Leareth, and - feeling like he can't actually ever say anything that will change anyone's mind, they've - armoured themselves against it - and he understands but it hurts not to be trusted and he's so tired of going back and grappling with it anyway, over and over and over. 

And he can't forget the helpless terror in Leareth's eyes, when they were questioning him, and how he hated it but hid it so thoroughly and Leareth can't possibly know how much he wanted it not to be happening... 

"...you don't have to go back to Valdemar, you know, even if you decide there are things you want in the world of the living."

Vanyel hugs himself. 

"- I'm worried they're going to blame Leareth for this too. Or - worse - I'm worried they'll blame your people and be angry about it. There's - a lot of tension right now." 

"I've noticed. I don't think it will serve you, to try to decide this by thinking of who will blame who. Leareth loves you, and wishes for your company; Yfandes does too; but you should return if there are things you want to do, and not otherwise."

"Leareth lov– what?" 

"I don't know if he has noticed. He's not very used to having attachments."

"He's not! Honestly I was really surprised he was willing to trust You this quickly! ...I guess if you're always this, er, straightforward when you talk to humans, that would help." 

- and then Vanyel's momentary smile fades. 

"I - it's because everyone he cares about dies. Isn't it. So he couldn't...afford it. Getting attached." Vanyel drags a hand over his face. "- He thought he'd have to kill me, you know. I'm - surprised he let himself feel anything - I'm amazed he kept trying for so long... Gods. I, I don't want to be...another case of why it's not safe for him to care about people." 

Right now, it feels like everyone who cares about him always leaves - that this is an inevitable fact baked into reality. But Leareth didn't. Leareth raised a Gate to Valdemar within minutes of being contacted, and carried Vanyel through it, and...tried to comfort him - and apologized for not being good at it... 

It feels unfair, in a way. He was so close to having no ties left to bind him. Only, part of him already knew that wasn't true, and was trying not to look at it. 

"Everyone he cares about dies, and - very few people he met were trying. But I do not think you should stay alive for Leareth. You can, if you'd like, let his devotion to you be an input into whether you care to stay alive for you."