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ichorous april has a time in mass effect
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"Doesn't it just. Shall I tell Joker to set heading for Purgatory to pick up the last of our new friends, or do you have a stop to make along the way?"

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"...hmm, go ahead, but let's keep an eye out for uncolonized planets with native life if there's any along the way. I've got a hankering to climb a tree in the middle of fucking nowhere."

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"...we can do that, certainly. Off the top of my head, we could take a detour to the Amada system and stop at Eingana. It's a hothouse world covered with starship debris from a war carried out a hundred and twenty millennia ago, including catastrophically inconvenient quantities of eezo which have prevented colonization due to their effects on the local wildlife. It's also, coincidentally, a few light-minutes away from the original Normandy's crash site."

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"...huh. All right, sure, sounds good to me."

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Miranda nods and returns to her office, presumably to tell Joker what's what.

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Indeed, the intercom buzzes to life and emits the dulcet tones of Joker.

"Heading towards beautiful Eingana, the planet voted least fun garden world for its hordes of ravenous biotic varren fifteen years in a row. Second place went to Nodacrux. Nodacrux: constant hyperdestructive thunderstorms and anaphylaxis aren't great, but they're better than hordes of ravenous biotic varren."

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Well now she's sitting on the floor cackling, thanks Joker.

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Non-relay-assisted space travel is kind of tedious. After about an hour, they approach Eingana. It's beautiful from orbit, like many planets.

They touch down atop a massive hill - the kind of thing that would be called a mountain if it were rockier. The top is bald of trees and even enough for a landing, but down the slopes the foliage resumes, and for miles around there's a vine-draped jungle.

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Shepard bounds gleefully off into the jungle like a ten-year-old at a park.

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The thing that tries to murder her is not a varren! It's a bird the size of a small car, which swoops out of the treetops, launches a crude but powerful warp field at her, and then tries to cronch her head in its massive beak.

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Oh, it's planning to eat her, that's cute. Now, does she do this the fun way, or the fun way? ...eh, she's already eaten a vorcha in a public bathroom stall. Fun it is.

 

It's about half an hour later when Shepard returns to the drop point, helmet off and hair all afrazzle, looking entirely too pleased with herself.

"Climbing trees is fun!" she reports.

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"I could not be more happy for you," says Zanna, who has been sipping a mixed drink in a fabricated deck chair in the shadow of the Normandy. She folds up her chair, downs the rest of her drink, and re-enters the ship.

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It does at least appear that the tree-climbing expedition has left Shepard in a lastingly good mood; she's cheerful instead of grumpy when she wanders the ship as they make their way to their next destination. (How's Mordin doing? How's Garrus doing? Is anything on fire?)

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Garrus has slipped back out of consciousness, which Chakwas assures her very pointedly is a good thing, the man needs to rest.

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Mordin is gazing thoughtfully through a microscope in his lab.

"Shepard! Good to see you. Well. Good to see macroscopic portions of you. Technically have been seeing rather a lot of you already."

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"Learn anything interesting yet?"

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"Largely reestablishing basic knowledge to avoid inheriting preconceptions from prior art, but have many ideas. Should switch tasks soon - Collector countermeasures more time-sensitive. But so many ideas."

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"Here's another idea for the pile: resurrecting the dead. I can't see how you'd do it without—I forget what stupid name they gave the blue stuff, I call it Crystalsong which is admittedly also a stupid name but I'm used to it—and I think you'd need to take backups ahead of time, which may run into the problem where Crystalsong drives people insane, but I don't like it when my friends die, so."

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"Cerberus called it Shard. Crystalsong sounds much nicer though possibly less appropriately dangerous. Inconveniently Shard labs also seem to understand least of any Cerberus-backed Shepard Juice research project. Were at time of resurrection lobbying for asari tests, Illusive Man said absolutely not, asari infected with insanity virus from Shepard's crystalline womb sounds like terrible erotic horror game premise."

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She cracks up. "Oh no. I mean, he's not wrong, but oh no. Yeah, it's the one I understand least out of the three too, on account of how it drives people insane and I can't really fuck around with it on my own time the way I can with Grovelight and Ichor."

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"Hmm. Constructing ethical experiments difficult under such circumstances, perhaps not impossible..."

He starts muttering to himself.

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"Have fun with that! See you later!"

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Distracted nod.

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"Now approaching Purgatory Carceral Station," Joker says. "Man, Shepard, you bring us to the nicest places."

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"That's me, your tour guide to the galaxy's shiniest trash heaps. Let's go dumpster diving."

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