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ichorous april has a time in mass effect
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It's very charming how Miranda does that. June starts picking off unattended grunts. When her Set That Guy On Fire program finishes recharging, she sets a guy on fire.

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It doesn't take too long for the rest of the grunts to fold. Meanwhile, Zanna holds her omni-blade to the leader's throat. "Move and I'll cut your head off," she says.

"I surrender," he says sluggishly.

"Great. Move and I'll cut your head off anyway."

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The important question here is, can April get to that air tank with the goodies?

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She sure can. Miranda's already at the controls, causing the ventilation systems to resume normal operation. "Pressure will be a bit low through the sector for the next hour or so," she mutters, "but it shouldn't kill anyone."

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"That's what I like to hear! Let's, hmm, would it be impolite to drag this asshole back to the doctor? I don't know if he's the 'ooh, a culprit, my favourite' type or the 'ew, keep the suspiciously plague-adjacent gang leaders out of my nice clean medical center' type... maybe we should drag the suspiciously plague-adjacent gang leader all the way to Aria, actually, I feel like she'd appreciate it."

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"Oh, I bet she'd love that. I'm not opposed to dragging him back to Aria but let's stop by the good doctor's office first, just to let him know everything's handled?"

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"Yeah, for sure. All right, let's go. Hmm, I will feel slightly worse about eating a vorcha now that I have met friendly ones, but nevertheless if more of them try to kill us on our way out of the plague zone, remind me they're snackable."

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"It's slightly disturbing to know how little you were joking about that, but will do."

They don't run into any more live vorcha on their way to the office, but they do encounter a few that they killed earlier.

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"Excuse me," she says, grabbing a vorcha corpse and hauling it through a sketchy-looking door adorned with faded public toilet signage. The door slams shut. Horrible crunching noises ensue. Shepard emerges a minute later, her armor surprisingly pristine.

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When she emerges, Zanna has the look of someone who has just realized something.

"Did you eat the fucking thorian?"

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"I will neither confirm nor deny that freaky alien mind control plants are yummy in my tummy."

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"Shepard! We had a betting pool going and no one had 'she ate it'! What do you even do with a betting pool that nobody won?!"

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"That is a problem you will have to solve by yourself with as many of your former crewmates as you can scrounge. Really, nobody put down 'she ate it'? Did I not joke about eating it? I joke about eating every damn thing. Your betting pools should have a better sense of humour."

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"It was too obvious!"

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"I would have put that she ate it. Obvious doesn't mean it isn't funny. Or, for that matter, right."

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"Garrus said you had shot it and it did some kind of fucky disintegrating thing when it died, because he's boring. Arela said you set it on fire and danced naked in its ashes. Morty said you'd probably turned it into your undying servant somehow. I think Chakwas said you smoked it and she'd have to treat your space cancer. Sal... I do not remember what Sal said, she may have just been confused by the question."

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"I have to wonder how any of you were ever planning to resolve this bet."

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"Eh. It was groupchat shit, you know how it is."

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They fetch up shortly at Mordin's clinic.

"Shepard! Good to see you. Air supply appropriately adulterated, restored, villains apprehended? Villain in custody, aha! Charming. Hope you don't expect me to have input, would have just shot him."

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"I wasn't sure if you'd appreciate a giftwrapped conspirator, so we're taking him to Aria, who I bet will think of something more creative than shooting him. Anyway, thoughts on joining up?"

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"Certainly. Addressing Collector threat, correct? Heard about vanishing colonies. Fascinating - material out of extranet urban legend, fully verified by Systems Alliance. Ship identification and berth? Assume not still in SSV Normandy. Heard about that also. Included in obituary. Was sorry to hear of your death. Pleased to hear, ah, reports exaggerated."

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"My sketchy backers built me a new Normandy, actually. An undead ship for an undead Shepard. Yeah, we're looking into the disappearing colonies and I'm told you're, what was the phrase, Likely Essential to the effort. Also, you are cool and I like you."

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"Thank you! Always good to hear. Also good to hear 'likely essential'. Well, would be better if scientists of my caliber were a dime a dozen, but not particularly plausible; in meantime, good to hear accurate assessment. Undead Normandy! Undead Shepard - had assumed death report inaccurate. Accurate? Long-term resuscitation?"

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"From, approximately, charcoal."

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"Fascinating. Will want samples. Given consent of subject, of course - subject, consent?" He turns to June. "Can promise ethical behavior. Significantly moreso than Cerberus."

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