"That isn't what I meant!" It's really frustrating, actually, he's trying to SAY something here but he doesn't quite have his head around it. "It's just, I - I hate it, being - broken in a way that no one else is..." 

"Oh." Melody blinks, but her voice stays mild. "I see. That's understandable." A pause. "You're incredibly strong and resilient, you know. It's rather impressive." 

This earns her the most dubious look imaginable. 

"No, I'm serious. Thellim even said so. She said, hmm, what was her wording - that she respects you a lot, and she thought you could maybe, probably, handle the trauma and pain of everything you've been through, if we could get your thoughts to stop looping around the literal damage to your brain from the broken lifebond." 

Vanyel's expression is not entirely non-dubious, but he nods. "Mmm." 

Melody waits for a while in silence. 

"- You don't have to, of course, but...it might help to talk about him. What he was like, as a person - a real person, not your idealized memories of a lifebonded partner. What your time together was like. I imagine there's a lot you weren't even able to process before, because you couldn't ever finish a thought about it." 

Vanyel winces and starts to answer in the negative without actually thinking about it, and then catches himself, and stops. Tries to actually think. 

"...Maybe." It's exactly the sort of thing Lancir would say, did say - and Lancir was right, even back when every thought of Tylendel (- bounce -) was inexorably tangled up in the confusing agony of the broken lifebond, talking about him helped. 

He has no idea where to start, though. 

"Hmm. To start out, I guess, what would he think of your friend Thellim?" 

"I don't know if she's my friend," Vanyel protests. "I just met her. ...I, hmm, he - would like her, though. He would find it cute how, hmm, how - innocent she is in some ways. He'd tease her about it, but - not in a mean way..." 

It hurts. Knowing, really and truly recognizing and acknowledging, that this is only a hypothetical and will never be anything more - that all that's left in the world of Tylendel is the echo of a ghost, the memories in Vanyel's own head. 

And in other people's heads. It's kind of unbelievable, actually, Savil knew 'Lendel for years before Vanyel ever met him, and he's - never even asked her... 

It hurts, but in an ordinary way. He never imagined that being something he was grateful for. 

"- Vanyel?" 

"...That he'd be furious with me for, er, for..." He gives up on words, and just gestures vaguely at himself. 

"For treating yourself like horseshit? Of course. He loved you. No one ever wants to see the people they love in a bad way." 

Vanyel snorts, half a bitter laugh, a quarter of the way toward a choked-back sob, but his lips can't help smiling faintly. "He'd be so offended about my hair. And my clothes. He, he always liked when I dressed nicely..." 

Melody nods, returning his sad smile. "He sounds - good. I wish you hadn't lost him. ...And, for now, I'd suggest you pull rank to get the nice bathhouse, and take a lovely long hot bath. In memory of him, also doctor's orders, and because you can and you've damned well earned it. And then have some good food and get some sleep."

She tilts her head to the side, looks thoughtfully at him. "If you, well, start having a lot of distressing thoughts or feelings, or - anything weird - please do call for me. Even if it's the middle of the night. But I reckon right now you need a hot bath more than you need a Mindhealer. What do you think?" 

...Vanyel is somewhat distracted, thinking of how Tylendel (- a bounce, but he's starting to get used to it, it's not quite so disorienting) would leer at the idea of getting him alone and naked in a bath. - And then probably be so offended at how thin he is right now. 

"I'd like that," he says, slowly. 

"I hope so! You know, I bet your Tylendel wouldn't want you taking a grimly determined bath. This may be too much pressure for one night, but - figure you can take a bath and enjoy it?" 

Vanyel snorts. His eyes are burning slightly but his lips are still trying to smile. "Maybe. We'll see." 

He stands up, which takes more effort than he was expecting. :'Fandes? I'm done here, I think: 

:Oh good!: 

A pause. 

:I can come meet you, but...well, Thellim mentioned to me earlier that she thought you might want some privacy, after all this. And that you wouldn't ask. Which, of course you wouldn't: A wash of affection. :So I'll leave it up to you. Come find me in the stables if you want snuggles, or ask me to meet you, but I won't crowd you:  

....Huh. 

Vanyel nods to Melody, slips out of the store-room, and stands in the mud and drizzle, considering it. It feels like he should want to see his Companion, but what would Thellim– no, what would 'Lendel (- bounce -) have to say about "should"... 

:I'd appreciate a ride to the bathhouse: he says eventually. :And - then I do want some time to myself, I think. Though at this rate I'll be lucky if I make it to a bed rather than falling asleep in the tub: 

:Don't you dare: A mental chuckle. :I love you, Chosen. I'm - very proud of you. I'll be there soon: 

After another candlemark or so of waiting, and two more cups of wine, Lissa thinks to offer Thellim somewhere to sleep in the camp tonight, on the assumption that neither she nor Vanyel will be very in the mood to pitch their tent again. Rank is useful sometimes, and she's able to summon a page and have Thellim granted a nicer tent all to herself and a bedroll from the stores. 

Just as Lissa is escorting her over to it, Yfandes Mindtouches both of them to announce that Vanyel is done seeing Melody and is currently taking a bath by himself. 

That... sounds like a good thing?  If Vanyel was somehow trying to hurt himself right now, he'd be unlikely to stumble on taking a bath as the best solution, even subconsciously.

(to Yfandes)  :Good to hear.  If Vanyel's basically functioning then I won't ask you for his info, it's his info now, but it sounds like he IS functioning to the point where he could take possession of his own info and that sounds like a good thing.:

(to Lissa)  :Speaking of baths, at some point I'm going to need to do something about washing myself and my clothes.  Could tough it out another day until Haven, if Haven has absolute-advantage at bathing and laundry, but I'd also not want to tough it out if there's no reason to?  Getting caught in the rain probably helped, but it doesn't seem like quite a sufficient solution.:

:Thank you. We haven't discussed it yet, the relaying information part, but - just, thank you: 

:There's a laundry here!: Lissa seems delighted at the existence of a SECOND item she can personally help with. :I guess you'll need to borrow something to wear in the meantime - we're not really the same size, but I can have something sent over... There's a waiting list for the baths but I could get you bumped ahead too, or order a washbasin to your room if you can wait to do your hair: