"Be my guest, he's super gay." Wait, do good people not suggest soulmate swinging within five minutes of meeting a person? And also without consulting the soulmate in question? Oh, and she's probably gone and reminded him of his unattracted soulmate situation, too. Great. She should just stop saying words.

Tintin twitches violently.

Ari goes through a couple of expressions - interest, realization, mild alarm upon noticing Tintin's expression - and settles on a sort of thoughtful frown.

"This has been very interesting," he says abruptly. "I might talk with you later, if that's alright, but right now I think I need to check on my soulmate."

"Yes, I think that would be good. I have some calls to make as well."

...???

Ari steels himself and re-enters the house.

"I have a quick philosophical question for you," Tintin says. "Veronica, what is a good person?"

"Uh."

Okay she has fucked something up and she has no idea what.

"I, uh. I guess... somebody who... does... good things? And not bad things??"

"I think that's a definition that can be gotten along with," Tintin nods. "Janet?"

"Yeah?"

"First, I would like to confirm that everything I ask you is confidential."

"Naturally. Even Johanna can't access my data; it's a necessary prerequisite for anyone to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. What kind of pornography did you want?"

"...none at present, thank you. I wanted to ask: what would happen if, by some - profound cosmic accident - a bad person was put in the Good Place?"

"Total catastrophe. Their behavior would warp the system around them, every negative intention and thoughtless action twisting the metaresponsive fabric of the demiplane further and further until it became a nightmare for everyone in it including them."

"Thank you, Janet."

"You're welcome! Is there anything else I can help with?"

"Again, not at present. Thank you."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???????

"What the here did I forking do?!"

"It is a theory. A theory which has so far been borne out, but I welcome you to contradict it. Veronica, please tell me something good - meaningfully good - that you did in your Earthly life."

"No, wait—that's not—I can't—first you gotta tell me what the fork I did because I can't for the life of me figure it out!"

"Are you somehow unfamiliar with the concept that outing people is bad."

She clutches her head with both hands in profound aggravation, as it finally wins out over confusion and panic.

"You—forking—who does that? Who the fork—you just went and told me and you didn't even say to keep it secret it just came packaged with your forking wild-eyed rant on how something is rotten in the state of Goodplace—like I don't even have to be bad to miss that one I just have to be kind of slow which I apparently am because I had literally no idea—who gives a shirt, we're all dead here—I am going to shove a literal eating utensil in the eye of whoever came up with this stupid forking censorship scheme—"

"I'm not saying this makes you evil. But you're - conspicuously antisocial in ways that don't fit into how this place is structured. If something is messing up the algorithm, it's you. And clearly, something is messing up the algorithm."

"Augh what do you mean I'm conspicuously antisocial! I'm trying SO HARD not to be conspicuously antisocial!!!"