can't we please have a quiet school year just once
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Ellie steps closer to Anathema, slowly.

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She turns toward Ellie some, shifting.

"I guess, just..."

She bites her lip.

"You - used to work for Voldemort. He - called you his favorite lieutenant."

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She shrugs. "I did. He gave me something the rest of this trash fire of a society didn't."

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"...Like what?"

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"Not be - trapped."

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"...He killed people. And - they were people who didn't deserve it. Kids and random muggles and people's parents who just - wanted a better world for their kids."

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She tilts her head. "And you care?"

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"Of course! You can't just - say you'll only hurt people who really really deserve it, who hurt people you care about, because - because if you start hurting only some people then it's easy to hurt everyone, including people who matter, and who don't deserve it - and even if you never hurt the wrong person, if you're somehow perfect and never screw up, everyone'll try to hurt you back - I got dumped with her because you couldn't stop hurting people. You couldn't even just - go to ground like a sane person until the law decided it'd done enough for the lazy people on top to look like they were being effective, you couldn't just - pick me up and run to somewhere that wouldn't extradite you, which is everywhere because Britain is completely isolationist - you just had to go torture some Aurors until you got caught - "

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"...Ah."

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Oh no she does not want to be crying right now. Why is she crying.

"And Voldemort kept hurting me, he hurt me so much worse - it's not even my aunt I see when the Dementors get close, even though - even though all that was a nightmare - it's him, he clawed his way back as a stupid spirit and possessed me and tried to force me to kill Ellie, and he said - he said it was the only reason I existed, that I'd been made for it - and everything about him keeps coming back to mess everything up today - "

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She pulls in on herself, quiet.

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Ellie hugs Anathema.

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She leans pretty aggressively into Ellie.

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"I..."

"Don't. Or - didn't. Have people I cared about. My sisters were - grown up. Cissy was - on his side anyways. And Andy was - she got out. She could look after herself."

"So I didn't - care."

"I never - killed anyone who didn't have a wand in their hand and know how to use it. That's where the fun is. But I never cared what he did." She shrugs.

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"I care. Not - a ton, about people I've never met, I guess. It kind of feels like they don't really exist. But..." She snuggles into Ellie. "It was - not caring about random people that made my aunt hurt me. 'Cause I wasn't one of hers so I didn't matter. But she - should have cared about me."

"And I don't ever - want to realize I've hurt someone I shouldn't have. And I don't want - to be around people who think there's - acceptable groups of people to hurt, because - because they always decide I'm one of those people or I sympathize too much with those people, sooner or later, or - it feels like they might."

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"...Caring about more than a few people just sounds - exhausting. And - doesn't worrying about whether you're hurting this or that random person - just leave you trapped more and more and more?"

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"It's tiring," Fay says. "And it's hard. Things you're choosing to do aren't - traps, though."

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"People who start insisting you have a choice are usually lying."

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"Sometimes, yes."

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"I don't - actually know what the choices are here. But I don't - want to give you none."

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"...You got yourself out," she says. "It's - different, when you can do that."

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"I don't think they let you out of Azkaban on purpose. So you got yourself out, too."

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She doesn't seem sure what to do with that.

Behind her, the thestral raises its head a bit, flicking its mane and stamping some.

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"It's better than when people tell you that you have no choices at all."

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"Then you just kill them."

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