....And suddenly he's scared, again, the bottomless pit of fear that he hasn't let himself slide toward in a long time, now. Maybe not since he was in Nirvana. Ever since then it's felt like there were - things to do... 

<...I keep thinking that - it is like what you said before> he thinks to her, uncertain. <That - if we cannot figure out how to cooperate with - those beings that are Lawful, that keep their commitments, that can be negotiated with... Then we will lose, and we will die. I just - I keep imagining another hypothetical me, who - might be on the other side of a war I walk into without any context - and, just...

- I am not sure if. If I would have the skills to cross that gulf.>

:Leareth does. I wondered if you could - read it off him - I don't know how much you're able to read about people -:

<Maybe.> 

:He did that, it's how he found Golarion. He was planning to invade Valdemar and he had dream talks with Vanyel. Tried to explain himself. And when Vanyel got pulled to Golarion they were able to ally. It does seem like an important thing to get right.:

<Right. He told me about Vanyel.> But it still isn't quite fitting together in his head. 

Maybe when he looks at Leareth it will all make sense. Or maybe it won't; she's not sure things can be conveyed that way. But she thinks a fight that had Leareths - her Leareths, grownup ones - on both sides of it would stop being a fight soon enough. 

That seems like enough of the important questions.

Did the other Carissa and Ma'ar hook up. 

<...Yes?> Pause. <Well, it - started with me trying to seduce him, I suppose. He was very stressed and I thought it might help. It did not work at the time, but...> 

Ha! I thought so. 

Mhalir isn't sure what to do with that, even though he's literally in Carissa's head. 

Carissa is pleased to have deciphered the bewildered and faintly embarrassed way that other-Carissa looks at Ma'ar. She doesn't want other-Carissa to be confusing, that seems - dangerous and also kind of embarrassing, like if she can't even make sense of herself then she's clearly doing something wrong. How did you pick her in the first place?

<...To...kidnap? We were looking for wizards - she was just coming back to Cheliax from the Worldwound. I gathered she - must be clever. Since she was third circle already and younger than the rest. I worried that meant she would be too difficult a target, but - also she was the only one of the wizards we looked at who was not sleeping in a shielded area.> 

Huh. What year was this?

...This should probably be easier to remember than it is, though of course it doesn't help that Mhalir's mind first jumps to the Yeerk calendar and then the Earth one before landing on Golarion's. <I think 4707.> 

So I'd have been living at my mother's house for leave. Shiver. I'm glad you found her obviously but - what a mess. It was good for me, I think, that I decided to stop being Asmodean on my own before I'd come to Leareth's attention in any way.

<That makes sense. I - it was better than her staying in Cheliax, but - not good. None of it was good.> 

Leareth is very good. But it'd be sort of embarrassing if I needed things that good to hold myself together.

Should I be - letting you talk to her -

<...Maybe? I - she was trying to talk to me, before, but I was not sure what to say. Where to start.> 

Carissa tries to imagine Leareth in that situation, which hurts a lot. I think this is where the way normal people feel is 'angry' but Leareth's very not-angry. I guess little Ma'ar gets a normal amount of angry and maybe he's more analogous here....

<...I do not think I am angry? I feel - hurt - maybe betrayed, even though I think that is stupid, I knew what she cares about...>

A long pause.

<I want to be able to work with her. I thought we could do it. Even if we - had different values. And - now I think maybe that is not going to work. And that part hurts, because - I cannot coerce her into caring about something different, right? That - is not how anything works - that is not how I want to work.> 

'I think that is stupid' doesn't sound like a sentence Leareth would say, though she can't pin down exactly why. 

I think probably people adopt each others' values all the time but getting her to want Hell destroyed is a stretch, there. What exactly isn't going to work?

<- I do not want Hell destroyed! I am very very upset that Hell was destroyed in our world, just - it seemed a less awful cost than Asmodeus having it forever... Like how Leareth felt about the ten million people in Velgarth, I guess.> 

Mhalir bounces up against trying to answer her question for a few seconds. 

<...I felt safe with her, before> he says finally. <And - I had been afraid, before that, for such a long time... But maybe I was just wrong to feel it.> 

Safe from what?

<I am not sure. Maybe...> 

<...I had an involuntary host, before. One of the Andalites - I did not prefer it, but - it is a long story... Anyway, he - hated me - he spent twenty years trying to kill himself and me constantly.> 

<I - thought that with Carissa it was not like that.> 

It seems pretty not like that! 

<I know. But.>