"I wouldn't expect you would. I think - it makes sense to want things you haven't yet figured out how to get, if you're - the kind of person who can do things in the world."

"...That is not a particular sort of person, everyone can do things in the world?" 

" - I don't think that's very true? Like, when I was a prisoner of the paladins I could not really do anything in the world, and I think lots of people are in a less extreme version of that."

Leareth leans forward. Looks at her.

"Imagine - you were me, but somehow placed in a scenario with the exact same resources that you had with the paladins.  What - do you think that a me would do, in that scenario. Because I am sure it is not nothing." 

"Maybe you would have had more luck than me at converting? I'm not sure, though. If they were - wrong - I don't think you have a lot of practice at deciding someone's right even though they're not and then fitting your head around it. Maybe you could've figured out how to make them kill you but it's hard, unarmed, to make people kill you when they have reasons not to."

"...No, I think I have neither skill nor inclination toward deciding someone is right when they are not. I might have more skill at convincing them that my own beliefs make sense given my information, though, and - asking for exactly those proofs that would falsify my deepest-held premises."

Leareth shifts his hands in his lap. "Or I might have schemed to escape. I am not sure. Just...I think that in order to trust you - to love you, whatever that word even means - I would need to know that you, also, believed you were a person who could do things in the world."

"I don't know if that's true! And it seems like a particularly dangerous thing to believe if it isn't!"

"Why? ...I mean, why is it a particularly dangerous thing to believe if it is not true?"

"If you think that you can do something, and actually you do not have the skill or power or cleverness to pull it off, then you will die."

"...Do you always die? What if you - decide to run a careful experiment, on the premise that you are not sure if X or Y is true, but where in either case you take precautions against dying...?"

"Sure, you can - check where the lines are. I've doen that. - to you, you might recall."

"Yes. You did it very well."

"If you'd seemed like an angry or impulsive person I wouldn't have. But I was very sure you wouldn't kill me, so - 

- I think mostly I can do things if I do not believe doing things is going to get me killed."

"I am not going to kill you. Or torture you. At the very worst I suppose I might...lock you behind extremely thorough wards, prevent you from preparing spells, and read your mind constantly. But I...cannot currently imagine even a vaguely plausible path that would lead to me taking that level of paranoia. You - seem to need only the straightforward incentives, to work for me." 

Leareth's eyebrow quirks slightly. "And - I like you. As a person. I...am still not sure if that means anything, separate from all the other things I just stated, but. It is a feeling I have."

"Not getting to do magic sounds worse than being tortured which is not actually a very big deal it's just that people get very worked up about it. ...that's not really the point. But I do believe it. The Valdemarans were very upset. I think I considered the likely worst case scenario that you'd make me do all my magic research very tightly mind controlled. And maybe kill Calib. Since he's not nearly as irreplaceable. I thought that was pretty unlikely though, it wouldn't be a particularly good punishment."

"...I see." 

Leareth is quiet for a long time.

"I think we have gotten off track," he says finally. "Perhaps it makes sense to take a break, now, so that - both of us can think about what trust would mean, to us." 

" - sure." She feels like that means she did something wrong. She was - trying -

- doesn't matter. 

Leareth gets up. 

Crosses over to her, steps in - 

- hugs her. 

And leaves. 

Why is Leareth maybe liking her more disconcerting than Leareth being terrifying and distant.

What did she do wrong.

She replays the conversation in her head and doesn't get anywhere and eventually gives it up as impossible and goes to the Work Room to make things explode.

Leareth leaves her to it and does not disturb her for the rest of that day. 

She should probably talk with Calib but that sounds incredibly awkward and unpleasant so instead she just goes to dinner and sits with Lacie and listens to gossip about what's been going on since she left.

The gossip since she left is not that interesting, since Leareth's staff seem to have mostly not been that in the loop about her mission to Haven. There's the usual local discussion of (non-specific) project progress, and whose cousins or nieces or nephews abroad are doing various things like marrying or starting school, and some additional vague speculations regarding Vanyel as Leareth's supposed destined enemy and whether recent events are likely to change that. 

She can participate in that! And say that Vanyel seemed open to the idea he should be helping figure out how to build the god without killing people.

Lacie and the others present find that very surprising! ...Lacie admits that she isn't sure why. 

"I'm not sure how open to the idea he actually was, he was kind of confusing to talk to because of the being sad all the time? But I guess his alternative is dying pointlessly, which usually makes people think about whether they really want to do that."