"It's-- It is really scary to me that you don't regret having said the most hurtful things you possibly could on purpose to hurt me. I understand why you did it. I also wish the world were not such that you felt like you had to. And I want a promise that you are not going to keep finding or coming up with reasons to have to."

"Um. --I'm sorry I think if I were a better person I would just say 'yes' but that. Is the kind of promise that George used to make to me when he-- when things started, and I don't-- I don't want to say words to you that might not mean anything. I'm not-- trying to be difficult, I'm trying to--" He makes a frustrated noise.

He hugs Mordred because that is the one of the two things he can definitely just give him.

A hug is good. He is maybe a little bit clinging.

"When you hurt someone then you say the right things without-- really paying attention to whether they're true or not-- and they stop being mad and then you can hurt them again later and-- the part of this cycle I can disrupt is the part where I say things that reassure you without worrying about whether they are true or not."

"That makes sense. I.... am scared that if I say 'if you have a good enough reason' then it will keep happening that you will break me on purpose and then turn out to have had a good reason."

"I don't want to break you ever again. It was the worst thing that happened to me in the past"-- he considers this carefully to ensure he is making an accurate statement-- "ten and a half years. Or. That I did. It didn't really happen to me, I was at fault here."

In the last ten years Lev has been drowned and given malaria and -- "Okay," Mordred says, and clings to him tighter.

"Do you want to go back to the tent if you're going to keep hugging me, I don't want you to get heatstroke again."

"...yeah. Tent is probably a good idea."

The tents are kind of small, so if they want to snuggle they actually do have to press up into each other. And it's cold at night in the desert so they really do have to snuggle for warmth. 

Mordred has ever been cuddled but it-- really does not happen very often. Lev is soft.

The funny thing about being in Mordred's arms is that he can actually just... relax.

Lev hasn't actually relaxed in years. Probably about sixteen years. There's always a part of his mind looking over his shoulder, always a part preparing for what's about to happen next. But with Mordred he's safe.

He presses his face against Mordred's chest and makes little happy noises into it. He puts Mordred's hand on his hair and goes mrrrrrrr like a cat. 

(He wants Mordred to pull his hair but he is hardly going to push this that far.)

Lev is very good. 

He is not really sure at all what he is doing-- he had taken this sort of thing off the table and now it is back on, in a teetering sort of way where it is maybe about to fall off the table, and because it was off the table he had not really thought at all about what he would do if it were on-- but it's. Nice. He feels uncertain and a little shy but he does not really want this to stop. 

When he shared a bed with Ramon, he had insomnia.

Lev's breathing deepens and his eyes close and he falls asleep. 

--oh.

A few days later--

They are in the desert. It is extremely boring in the desert. Exciting feelings like "heatstroke" and "diarrhea" have been replaced with overwhelming boredom. Fortunately, they have Anemone's books to read.

Oswald is primarily reading only when there is literally nothing else he could be doing, out of concern that if he passes up any opportunities to do things like prepare rations or reorganize their supplies or let Lev flop on him then he is going to get bored of the books too and go insane.

Lev is currently lying with his head on Oswald's leg and his eyes closed, contemplating the possibility of being asleep. Unfortunately, he has slept quite a lot today, and his body does not want to be cooperative.

Oswald may or may not be helping with this endeavor by idly playing with his hair. Honestly Lev should probably not spend his entire life asleep even though this is a very understandable impulse.

He is not planning to spend his entire life asleep. Only until they get to see Ayers.

Mordred has finally arrived at a point when he has practically nothing but time, and therefore is in the middle of reorganizing his and Anemone's combined notes to be in a somewhat more sensible order. There's an index.

Has Mordred considered that he's very cute.

Look. Listen. How many times has he wished he had an easier-to-use format for all of the things he's noted down. It's still not a corkboard and string because those seem hard to carry but at least he'll be faster now.

Indexes! Note-sorting! Finally something he knows how to appreciate.

"Mordred, you've very cute, I like your indexes."