"I don't think I'm especially aiming for Good in particular necessarily? Just - thinking about what things that aren't Asmodeanism with a different person at the top there are."

"Oh, that makes sense. Valdemar might have good examples there, at least sort of, because we don't have a national religion, lots are practiced but the Heralds don't tend to be very focused on which god they worship, it's not where we get our sense of ethics from. Er, do you know much about what Heralds are or should I explain?" 

"I, uh, asked Jisa, and got her account of everything."

Vanyel can read between the lines that this was part of her spying; presumably Leareth has already decided if he wanted to tattle on Jisa to Randi, and either way the duty won't fall to Vanyel. 

"Right, so - we're all Chosen by Companions, who were made by a god or gods, but they're just people, too, pretty much. We have our traditions and each other and we try to look after Valdemar." His eyes flicker down to the path. "I - didn't even want to be a Herald, at the start. Lots of children dream of it, Heralds are very glamorous, but I didn't want to be selfless and help others, or go into danger, and - the circumstances were pretty bad, I'd lost my lover and been badly injured and I just wanted it all to go away. I think a lot of Heralds see their duty to Valdemar as this - comforting, reassuring sense of being where they're supposed to be, knowing what to do. I never really had that. Just, I could notice that I was really powerful, and that meant there were things I could do for Valdemar that no one else could, and - then those things would be done, right, and that's real and it matters. There are paved roads all over the north now because I built them, and farmers can get to market even in the rainy season when the dirt roads would get impossible. There are a lot of people who would be dead if not for beasts and bandits I fought for them. It's still really hard, sometimes, but - that's worth sticking around for. Does that make sense?" 

"It seems like - often it's harder to tell - than with beasts or bandits - but yeah, as far as it goes."

"A lot of it is really hard to tell. Maybe the most important parts are. I think I do end up sort of hanging a lot of my motivation off the parts that are clearer? It's less inspiring to tell myself I made the world better by judging a difficult court case, if I really wasn't sure of the verdict. Or, gods, a lot of what happened in the war we just had with a neighbouring kingdom, probably had to happen but - it really didn't feel like I was making the world better, in any way. Just burning some of it to ashes along with Valdemar's enemies." 

He turns to catch her eye, smiles. "You know what's great for that, though? Right now I sit and make diamonds most days, and then at the end of the day I have a headache from using my mage-gift too hard and Yfandes tells me off, but I can weigh what I made and say 'there, I just made it so this many ward casualties could come back from the dead.' I don't think I've ever felt as sure as I do now that my existence is making the world better and that's worth sticking around for." 

" - wait, were you previously thinking you might not stick around?"

- wow, he should possibly not have emphasized that part so much, this is really embarrassing now. 

:Van, honestly. You should tell her. Leareth knows: 

:Fine, but it's your fault if she doesn't want my advice anymore: 

"I. Um. Might've tried to kill myself a few times, when I was younger. And - wanted to a lot more times. It's complicated." 

"Ah, okay. Here that doesn't even help with anything."

"I was informed. Also that it's Evil apparently which just seems unfair, it's - it's not hurting anyone but yourself and I feel like that shouldn't count." 

"The Chelish understanding of how sorting people works is that Pharasma just wants souls out of her way, which is why abortion and murder and suicide are such a big deal even though objectively they're sometimes just sending someone somewhere else that might be more able to use them. But I don't know if any of that is actually true, lots of Asmodean education is but lots isn't."

"I'm not sure I'd even expect your death god's sorting process to line up with my personal opinions on ethics." Shrug. "I've sure killed a lot of people but apparently I still read strongly Good. I guess mostly in cases that were - at least moderately clear-cut, choosing the least bad option among a lot of bad ones? One of the things I feel worst about is sneaking past the Border to assassinate one of Karse's mages, who - was probably a decent person, just fighting for his kingdom like I was fighting for mine. But also he was responsible for the deaths of thousands of our people." Shiver. "Just like I'm responsible for the deaths of thousands of theirs. And I couldn't just make the war stop - I could only fight for Valdemar, not Karse - so I did that, and I don't know if it was the right thing to do, feels like if the world were sane I wouldn't've had to, but - also it might've been on the best path to ending the war when we did." 

“I guess it seems - definitely okay to me, to do the thing that wins, assuming you’re right about what you’re fighting for.”

"Mmm. I think Leareth would say so. And, I mean, Karse did start the war, and - were doing worse things than us, in fighting it, I think the world where Valdemar won it was better than the one where they conquered us. It just. Didn't feel good, mostly." 

Nod. “I’m sorry.”

"I don't, um, know if that helps answer your question at all, sorry." 

“I think it does, a little? I have - more possible answers, at least, and a sense of which questions feel confusing to me. So thank you.”

"Mmm." Vanyel nods. "Happy to answer other questions. Er, is there anything you'd want to know about Leareth? I - don't know that much about his personal life, at least not from before Golarion, but we've known each other for ten years. - I did spent most of that thinking I was probably going to die fighting him, um, he was my destined enemy in a Foresight dream but then we had conversations about philosophy in it, my life is really weird like that." 

“Wow. Um. Does he take it well when people argue with him, is he good with kids, what’s he like angry...”

"I've never really seen him get angry. At least not in a losing-his-temper way. I've seen him frustrated or just sort of offended at the state of the world being awful, like with Asmodeus, but - not angry at a specific person he thought had wronged him. I screamed at him at least once for - a thing that happened which wasn't even mostly his fault, and he just calmly agreed it was reasonable of me to be mad. He takes it great when people argue with him, I did it all the time, he - doesn't get defensive like most people, about being criticized? He's just very calm and level about it. Never seen him with kids and it makes a weird mental image but I don't think he'd be bad with them." 

Nod. "Would you marry him? If it otherwise made sense?"

Vanyel does not quite manage to suppress a snort. "I am baffled what circumstances could cause that to make sense, but - I guess I wouldn't be opposed?" Also, damn it, he manages to go a decade without ever asking himself the question of whether Leareth is attractive and now he can't un-ask it and it's distracting. 

"Cool. Thank you. I might have more questions eventually? Do you just hang out here saving everybody from Hell, how do I make appointments."