SCAREDSCAREDSCAREDSCAREDSCARED

- the first thing he wants to say is that if Leareth - Telumë, apparently - doesn't want to be around him he could just stop being around him, he doesn't have to murder him so he can fuck the corpse but that is not a helpful thing to say and he is not going to say it -

- the next thing he wants to say is 'please don't kill me' but that seems like a terrible thing to say in a conversation that is about whether you are too manipulative to safely be around -

- same for 'I love you, I'll do whatever you want' -

- calm down he needs to calm down he needs to be smart more than he has ever needed it in his entire life -

 - the thing he reaches for eventually is Leareth with Vanyel, the way he knows Leareth finds it comprehensible to behave, when you're enemies but maybe don't want to be - calm, still, only the barest hints of emotion, talking around everything you want to talk about. 

"I am, obviously, aware that if you figure out how to reverse the oath then you'll do that," he says. "I can't even say that it's not incredibly reasonable as a general policy, even though I will die and I am scared to die; taking involuntary mind-control off people when you can do that makes sense. I guess if I imagine having - infinite resources - finding some world out there that has already developed policies for this because it happens all the time - I guess I imagine that maybe they'd have a way we could both live. But - I'm not expecting you to wait for that. It wouldn't be fair. Of course if you find a way to bring - the man you fell in love with - back, you will.

The thing I am terrified of is that you will give up on that and destroy me anyway and I know that this is also a reasonable thing for you to do but - god, not like that, do something reversible so if you ever miss me you can get me back -" and there goes being calm and sensible and definitely not manipulative, fuck -

Telumë lifts his head, looks at him. His expression is mostly still as well, but there's pain in his eyes. His voice, when he speaks, isn't quite level. "It makes perfect sense for you to be afraid of that," he says, slowly. "And - to be afraid in general. You are a prisoner in enemy hands and," he looks away, "and I know what that is like, actually. But, all else equal, I - prefer you existing to nothing, and I prefer you suffering less rather than more. You probably know that and I imagine are counting on it. I will not put those factors above winning but I will weight them at all."

He lets his hands fall to the bedspread, palms open. "You are going to die anyway, if we win this, and I intend that we will. The oath will break if Sauron dies. In the meantime, as long as you are not threatening the war effort, I prefer you existing to not. I am certainly not going to kill the person you are now in order to have a different, less dangerous but more damaged person to sleep with. If it is not mutually beneficial to both of us for me to visit, I will stop coming, and have your visitors be only people who are not at all involved in planning the war. Those are my relevant interests here." 

Steady breathing. "If you need to do something irreversible to my head to make it worthwhile for you to visit - I suspect there probably isn't a mutually beneficial arrangement. Even though I love you and I want you here very badly. I am - under a lot of constraints right now and I do not think there are any additional ones that I am confident would leave you - me. I could be wrong about that. I haven't had enough time to think about it. 

If you just need assurance that I'm not trying to use your presence here to win you over and get you to make stupid decisions and undermine you from within - I'm not. It wouldn't work. It would be really nice to have some story I could tell myself about how anything I can do here can matter for the world at all, it would make it so much easier to keep going, but I think it would not be true. I don't have enough visibility to steer and I will be murdered if I try and I haven't been trying. My plan, as best I can rederive it, is to come up with interesting topics of conversation so you don't get bored of me and work in my free time on the emotional instability that some combination of this situation and Sauron introduced."

"I was mostly looking for the second," Telumë says, very quietly. "We did not think you were trying, at least, not in a very plan-shaped way. I suspect you are - being subconsciously strategic in which parts of yourself you lean into, with an implicit goal of garnering our sympathy and making it more upsetting for me to keep you captive in this way. I cannot fault you for this, really, and would not expect you to stop even if you were able. Also I am not bored, and if that seemed to be an issue then I could choose the topics, there are many neutral ones." 

"Okay." Swallow. "If you change your mind please - just keep in mind that something reversible would give you more options later, and that if you just go slash through my head there won't be a person there even if you do defeat Sauron and break the oath."

"I will keep that in mind. ...Can I hold you? I want to." 

"Yes of course."

Telumë shifts over, carefully, and puts his arm around Maitimo. 

"...I am sorry," he says finally. "I - tried very hard to make sure you would get out, when Haven was attacked. I made mistakes - I was not paranoid enough - I am sorry I failed. I know I am apologizing to a different person who does not currently exist, but still." 

"My fault. It was a stupid mistake, I hadn't reconsidered the best way to commit suicide as a Quendi in light of there potentially being a lot of very powerful Healers on hand. There's still a way to do it, if I'd spent six hours looking into it at any point I would've known it."

"I think that is not a worse mistake than my Gating somewhere knowing I would be exhausted on my return, knowing I was in a world with hostile gods and that we suspected a Maia had gotten through the Gate. I would not have predicted the exact events but I knew Velgarth was not safe." He carefully reaches to take Maitimo's hand, weaving their fingers together. "I am sorry Sauron hurt you. He is very obnoxious that way. I would not be surprised if he did it even when it was not at all strategic for his longer term goals." 

"Gating into well-defended rooms in the capital city of an allied country in peacetime, when we had good reason to think the local god approved of our presence!"

"...Fair enough. If there was a mistake there it was not an obvious one." 

Squeeze.

"Sauron is interesting. We had an argument once where I pointed out that it was not even maximizing overall expected torture of me in particular to torture me while I was busy and he agreed and didn't care. He's not - stupid - I am noticing the temptation to just complain about this stuff and hope it leaves you with a slightly misleading impression that he's stupid but - he's not even worse than me at my thing, when he's trying. His goals are just shaped kind of stupidly."

"I suppose Eru made him that way." Telumë's eyes are stinging, there's a lump in his throat. "Eru must think - all of this - is a very entertaining tragedy." 

"I guess I am lending that claim of Melkor's a bit more credence." Patpatpat. "Also the claim of the Valar's that homosexual relationships are a terrible idea and will only lead to heartbreak."

"...Really, I think that part is a minor component, causally speaking. If we had remained - just friends - Sauron would still have been here and he would still have allied with Vkandis, and he would still have wanted to move against me in particular. And likely you as well. You are very competent." And wonderful and good and– stop. 

"We wouldn't have been travelling alone. And it - wouldn't've made any sense to risk anything to get me out alive.

I don't - regret you, to be clear, I'm just very aware that I was told as a child exactly how to have - a happy uncomplicated marriage surrounded by beautiful baby Quendi - a kingdom - a peaceful life free of heartbreak - and then I did exactly the opposite of that and now several different terrifyingly powerful people with armies want me but only wrapped up in enough mind control that I don't immediately destroy everything they've ever worked for."

Telumë blinks away tears. Squeezes Maitimo's hand, very carefully.

"Maybe the creator god of your world truly did wish that to be one of the rules," he says, slowly. "I suppose one could make an argument that morality is whatever the gods wish it to be. But - even Eru does not actually have the power to change whether sentient beings prefer not to suffer, any more than he can change whether two plus two is four. And Eru has caused you a great deal of suffering, and for that alone I would personally fight him, even leaving aside all the other wreckage left by his - creating Melkor, and Sauron in the shape he is. I think that deserving something is - not a basic concept, reality does not run on fairness, obviously, or the world would look very different - but it is not a meaningless concept either, and you did not deserve the price you paid." 

He hugs Maitimo a little tighter. "Also, it is particularly clear that Eru's ruling here is arbitrary, given that at least one god of Velgarth clearly disagrees on whether homosexual relationships ought to exist." 

"The gods of Velgarth, well known as moral exemplars we should look to for guidance." But he's smiling, a bit. "I bet Eru thinks this ought to exist, actually. It just ought to be horrible. I bet that's Eru's opinion. It's not that men should have women it's that men who have men should have a miserable time about it - and I haven't encountered much evidence the Velgarth gods disagree, actually -"

Oh no now he's laughing and very slightly crying at the same time. "No. Another item to add to my very long list of things that need to change around here." He lets out his breath, a bit shakily.

(Maitimo isn't on his side in that war, right now. He has to keep reminding himself of it.) 

"Am too on your side, on that one. Sauron does not believe in discrimination on the basis of sexual preference. Not in anything, including who he has sex with."

"Perfect. Exactly one thing that I have in common with Sauron - er, not that I prefer to have sex with people who do not want to be having it with me, that seems very pointless, but the part about same-sex relations anyway. ...I suppose there might be more than one thing, he did not exactly explain his goals to me in depth when we met." 

"He wants to kill Eru too."

"Is that even possible? I mean, I sympathize with that goal, but I was under the impression that Eru is not the same kind of entity either as the Valar or the Velgarth gods and might be closer to a facet of reality."