:...Yes, that is how it works: 

...that sounds incredibly difficult. Or at least for Quendi I think it would be; married couples like to have sex even during periods in their lives when it isn't a good time to bear children.

:So do humans! There are some - methods to avoid pregnancy, which work with varying degrees of reliability; there is an herb, for example, there are also herbs that can end an existing early pregnancy, or a Healer can. Miscarriage is sufficiently common before a month in that most cultures do not consider it to be a child yet, at this point, though of course there is still grief involved if the parents hoped for a child; I think in fact the soul is not involved until about five or six weeks, since before that the developing embryo does not show up at all to Thoughtsensers and afterward it does. There are ways human couples can - pleasure one another - that cannot result in pregnancy. However, it does happen rather often that couples, especially very young and inexperienced couples who have not thought it through, end up with a child at a very bad time for it. That is one of the ways that children end up born to families that do not really want them: 

He looks down at his hands. :Some human cultures practice infanticide. Usually nomadic cultures who have very limited resources to support children, and very unpredictable resources, and may decide at the end of a pregnancy that it is not a time they can afford to feed another mouth: 

That's a good thing to have mentioned because it's a more obvious example of the way he feels about the things Leareth has done. Sad, overwhelmingly sad, but not angry. What would the point be. 

:The culture I was born to practiced infanticide: Leareth sends. :That is - one of very few memories I have of my original childhood: It's kind of surprising it's still there; it must have been part of the core memories that he tried to destroy, but he supposes he didn't destroy the actual memories that was built on so much as - scatter them, make it so there was no coherent whole anymore. :I would have had a younger sister, but - I suppose too many livestock were lost to drought and raids, that year, so I did not:

He doesn't remember his mother's face at all, certainly doesn't recall what expression she wore at the time; he remembers it only as a fact, something he held onto as an example of why the world was fundamentally broken and burningly needed to be fixed. Likely it was only mentioned to him in passing; he doesn't remember for sure but many semi-nomadic herding peoples, like those that would have inhabited the eastern plains of Predain two thousand years ago, didn't even name children until they were several months old and considered likely to survive.

The peoples around Urtho's Tower would have been less brutal about it, but then again, they had the good luck of living in very fertile lands.

The only other fact Leareth remembers about his youth as Ma'ar is his mother's death in childbirth, it was before he left Predain but not long before, he must have been - thirteen, fourteen? Again, there are no images or details associated, just the knowledge that it happened and was unacceptable and yet there was absolutely nothing he could do at the time to stop it, the only option was to move forward. Find a place to learn and grow and someday be strong enough to make it different.

He wonders, distantly, if that boy who he barely remembers being could have imagined how much that war against nature would cost him.

- he wants to hug him. Very badly. But he should definitely not do that if Leareth doesn't want him to. He can just sit here, looking at the floor, not trying very hard not to cry.

Leareth also wants to be hugged, very badly, but – at the same time isn't sure he's ready for that, yet, it feels like the inside of his head is a dozen jagged-edged fragments and he's just barely gotten them arranged in a formation that holds together, and it won't last long but if Maitimo hugs him everything is going to fall down and he's probably going to spend the next several days crying. And it seems important that they finish this conversation, first.

:I suppose I was already inured to horrors in the world even as a small child: he admits. :I had killed someone by the time I was fifteen. I do not remember any details but probably there was some kind of raid with another clan and he was trying to kill me. This was considered very normal, although likely my classmates later on would have been deeply horrified: Leareth has to push out the words without letting himself have any emotions about it, which is doable because the memory of it is so distant and abstract, it's basically just words at this point. Words hung from the bits and pieces of a crumbled tower and a shattered, bleeding sky. 

Does Maitimo have any other questions? 

Not really. - oh, a responsible question would be, if this does come up again, what's a better way to handle it.

Leareth isn't sure. At least half of that is on him, he should have sorted out his stupid feelings about Vanyel a long time ago, so that he can be comfortable being vulnerable with him, Vanyel wouldn't have been shocked by this even if he were upset about it. 

If Maitimo does need to leave to do some thinking again, and isn't sure if he'll end up deciding to come back, it would be helpful to get an up-front estimate of his odds that he'll end up deciding to still be friends versus not. 

Vanyel was in fact not shocked. Maitimo explained what was going on. 

Uh, up front, Maitimo will want to continue being friends no matter what awful stuff comes up unless the revelation is that Leareth has been mind-controlling him this whole time in which case Maitimo will... well, presumably, want to continue being friends because of the mind control. (The thing he was trying to articulate is that it'd have to be something that changes his interpretation of what has happened during the war, not what Leareth did back in Velgarth.)

Leareth thinks he has literally zero secrets from Maitimo about the war - he was kind of relying on Maitimo for most of the strategic planning, since he wasn't oriented enough to the situation to scheme on his own and have it turn out well. 

Then again, his memory is very untrustworthy nowadays. 

Leareth can - take down his shields, if that helps? Make literally all his thoughts public, let Maitimo poke around looking for discrepancies. The room is shielded so no one else can go snooping in his head. It might actually give him more peace of mind, overall, if he's had someone else check. 

- that sounds like potentially a valuable thing to do at some point. Is this a good time for it, when Leareth is in terrible shape emotionally.

Possibly not. It'll be a lot more miserable for Maitimo, probably, and - honestly Leareth is not thinking very clearly because he's had maybe four hours of actual sleep per night for the past several days and he is very, very tired. That'll make his memories harder to sort through. 

Then how about Leareth gets some sleep and they keep this in mind as a thing they can do in the future if it seems like it will help.

Sleep seems wise. Maitimo doesn't have to stay, at all, it's really really understandable if he needs to spend some time with Findekáno now, but - Leareth would appreciate it a lot and be very grateful if he stayed, actually. 

He is planning to stay for as long as Leareth needs him. 

Then Leareth would like a hug and a sleep song and for Maitimo to still be around when he wakes up, although he doesn't think he has an excuse to mind if he leaves for a bit in the middle, it's not like Leareth would notice. 

He'll stay. Sometimes Leareth wakes up unexpectedly, after all.

Then Leareth will sleep for the next twelve hours or so. He wakes up once because he's thirsty and has a headache, apparently he hasn't quite succeeded at using willpower to stay reasonably hydrated despite being too upset to notice any cues about it.

He also has a couple of nightmares bad enough that he starts projecting in his sleep. There's not really a lot of content coming through with it, at least not coherently, mostly just fear and helplessness. One of them involves Vanyel in some capacity but the details are unclear. 

It is unfortunate that the shielding seems to block osanwë and he can't talk to Findekáno but he's glad he's here.

Leareth finally wakes up, gluey-headed enough that he's not sure getting out of bed is going to happen today, but unable to sleep any more for the moment. 

:–do the shields block osanwë?: he sends drowsily, finally remembering that Maitimo might want to at least talk to Findekáno and has probably been very bored. :He would be welcome to come in: 

They do. It's okay. He has the amulet back on so he can lie about things like that; it actually turns out that being alone for twelve hours is well into 'bad for him' territory. I can invite him in now if you'd like? What are your plans for today?

:I am not sure. Taking naps?: If anything he feels more tired than before, albeit less miserable. 

Okay. In that case I will probably have him in here so we can talk and maybe intermittently Larya so I can do logistics at one remove, if that's all right.

:Fine with me: Leareth yawns and stretches and starts the slow process of convincing himself to get up at least long enough to go to the bathroom.