She takes a deep breath. 

"Okay, so. Here's my problem. Past me, the me who signed the contract, wasn't agreeing to be raped, she was giving her consent to a particularly complicated kind of kink play. Past me who had a complicated and arousing dream that was unusual but not very unpleasant was not materially harmed, because she didn't know that she'd had actual sex, and didn't experience anything that really scared or hurt her. But me, the me in this room, remember an encounter that happened that I don't remember consenting to, and I know that it was real. That... is a lot closer to my actually having been raped than I would like it to be. And I'm basically taking it on trust that there even was a previous negotiation, because I don't remember any of it." 

She exhales. "I would like to hear your thoughts on that before I go any farther."

She smiles gently and nods. "You're in a difficult situation. Everything comes down to whether you can trust us to deal honestly with you, and you frankly have no way to verify that we are without taking either the contract terms or my code of ethics on faith. We have a video recording of the original negotiation we can show you, but that doesn't prevent us from having used extremely skilled actors to produce it. It's normal to feel some degree of hurt and violation right now. That's to be expected, when you've signed up for a contract like this. It is technically rape, because you didn't recall the contract at the time it occurred.

"It's entirely normal for that to be a lot right now."

She exhales. 

"Thank you. Just hearing that helps a lot, honestly."

Ava picks up a small packet of chips from amid the refreshments, pops it open, and eats a couple. She's basically in the power of these people already, and she can't think of any reason they'd additionally want to drug her. 

As she munches away she thinks a little more.

"I'd like to see that recording, but it can wait a couple minutes. Right now I want to... talk aloud a little about what I feel."

"Firstly, it is really fucking freaky that hell exists and has memory magic. And is apparently 'reformed.' What Hell was doing before this program doesn't take a lot of filling in." 

"Like, that means I have to ask questions like 'have I been raped before even participating in the program and just don't remember it?' Existentially it's really, really freaky."

"Secondly, I am kind of pissed at my past self for not bothering to think ahead more than five minutes. She must have been so focused on the experience of her unaware self that she didn't even take five minutes to consider my feelings. She could've preserved her memories, and chose not to, and that's a whole second can of existential bullshit."

"... She basically committed suicide because it was easier for her than making her unaware self take more of the burden."

"That is pretty fucked up."

She exhales. 

"It's one thing to know I have depressive episodes, and another to see that." 

"So yeah, how's your day going?" 

"Quite well!" she warmly replies. "I get to help people who are dealing with extremely concerning and stressful situations have better outcomes and come to terms with everything. I quite honestly love my job, and care deeply about each of my clients."

She leans forward and continues, "You're right that memory loss is arguably death, though I would point out one additional factor in your past self's decision: the magic it takes to reversibly suppress memories thoroughly enough to count nutritionally as absent is complicated and expensive, and accordingly eats a fair bit of your contract budget. You could renegotiate your contract to include that memory suppression going forward, but it would require taking on additional challenges. It's extremely valid to find your past self's decision very stressful and concerning, though. I would quite frankly be surprised if you didn't have complicated feelings about that."

"I think we'd be having a very different conversation if I remembered the negotiation myself," Ava says. "But yeah, it's a lot."

She cracks open a can of soda and brings it to her mouth.

"Is this soda real, by the way? The contract says we're supposed to meet in a dream space..."

"What I actually mean is, uh, does it cost you anything if I just eat all the snacks?" 

"It costs us approximately nothing. Feel free to eat as many as you like. We tried to pick things you'd enjoy, for obvious comfort-food reasons."

"Thank you." 

Ava breaks open a pack of fruit creme cookies and has a couple, and also opens a small pack of gummies and has them too. 

"Maybe not the best coping strategy, but if it works..." 

She exhales and takes another drink of her pop. 

"Okay, so. Hell existing isn't really part of the contract, even though it's a trip. Past Ava's decisions were her own, and while they're inconvenient for me they're probably not awful. I don't see why you would need my cooperation in order to do something like this, so I'm going to tentatively assume you all are on the up and up."

She folds her hands in her lap and considers. 

"So really the question is how I feel about knowing that I've been raped, at least in a technical sense."

She has a couple more chips while she considers.

"... So, I think I'd like to start by saying that — I don't believe rape is a special kind of bad. A lot of people are like, as soon as sexuality enters the picture of a breach of trust it's uniquely bad, uniquely awful, and I don't buy that."

"So at least theoretically we should be able to use the same tools as with any other thing that could be hurtful to analyze it. So..."

"I guess I'm less concerned about whether I was technically raped or not and more about whether I'm personally okay with it. And I think..."

She looks down at the contract on the table. 

 "It makes me feel bad, but I've dealt with worse for worse reasons. I don't feel like I'm broken somehow for not being injured by it. I don't feel like I'm broken from an injury either. I feel bruised, but not so badly I can't keep on. And the things the negotiators have on offer are genuinely worth a lot to me."

"I am definitely going to renegotiate to get to keep my memories though, finding this all out in quick succession like that was... Not pleasant."