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don't put a camilla in a theocracy. don't do it
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"I want to know if any of this is real."

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"...yeah. Better not to check the other way, I guess."

He manages a smile just before he lays his head down on her leg. There's a gentle pressure, a static-like pins-and-needles feeling that fades in and out.

"Tell him when it's supposed to really kick in? Just –– so I know when to start bugging you about it."

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"Yeah. Of course. I'm sorry, this must suck for you."

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“Hey, I’m fine. I’m out. Just...gotta make sure you’re fine too.”

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"It would fuck me up if someone I loved didn't think I was real."

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"...yeah, little bit. But I'm tough. And I can go cry about it on Satan's PA and then go cliffdiving or something."

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"On--"

Her phone buzzes.

"--oh, time for my intake interview. You'll have to elaborate on that another time."

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He takes a very deep breath, before he picks his head up.

"...yeah. Will do."

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And then, no one.

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The intake interview goes great, until she mentions the part where her best friend died a few weeks ago.

Then the therapist starts using words like "atypical grief" and "bereavement hallucinations" and "talk therapy" and "30% of survivors."

I'm seeing the devil, she says. It's scary and distressing, she says. I don't know what's real and what's not, she says.

The therapist starts saying "seven stages" and "antidepressants" and "cognitive behavioral therapy."

He told me to take a gun to class and start shooting, she says. I know where my uncle keeps his, she says.

She gets her antipsychotics. She also gets committed.

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In the psychiatric ward, she curls up under her blanket and stares at the calming blue wall, drowses on and off, roused intermittently by nurses glancing in the door.

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The devil sits with her in her empty room, under the fluorescent lights.

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"I don't want you to go away," she says, softly, still staring at the wall. "Is that messed up or what?"

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"My dear, I'm the devil."

He puts his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm not sure I care to judge."

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"I have to try this stuff for weeks before I find out if it works. And then if it doesn't, they give me a different one. This could take months. I could miss finals. And I'm too tired to care."

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"...you're here looking for the truth. There is very little I can do to make that easier for you."

 

"But if you want me to stay, I will stay. For as long as I can."

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"I shouldn't ask you to stay."

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"...I would like to think that I would not judge my child too harshly for the company they kept, at a time like this."

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Emmelia visibly struggles, working through the analogy, before she gives up and moves to lie with her head against his leg.

She's asleep in seconds.

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He will stay with her as she sleeps, disappearing when the lights come on and the nurse looks in through the door and then returning to sit.

 

He will stay with her a long time.

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She sleeps, whenever they'll let her, sometimes when they won't.

At first, she tries to read the battered romance novels and self-help books in the common room. After spending an hour on a single page of Ghost Spurs To My Heart, she bursts into tears and gives up on reading.

(She doesn't even throw it across the room.)

Therapists ask her stupid questions. She mostly doesn't have the energy to lie.

When she changes clothes, she stands naked in front of the metal sheet which serves for a mirror, pokes miserably at the new curves and softnesses.

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He sits with her in her room after she gives up the books, while she cries – he sits with her between therapists and nurses, in the moments the office is empty – he sits with her when she changes, turns his face politely away.

As the world dims and distorts, he remains.

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She puts her head in his lap to sleep, sometimes, when she can't remember why she shouldn't.

There's Mass on Sundays, because she's well-behaved. She mostly sleeps through it. Prayer feels beyond her.

She still sees the devil.

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They put her on a different antipsychotic.

(No one asks her permission.)

It makes her sway and tap her feet, and not to music. She's too tired to move, and too restless to sit still.

The third drug makes her neck and back twist, violent and rigid and painful, for half an hour at a time, on and off for days.

The fourth is more tolerable, until she finds herself on the floor and they tell her she's had a seizure.

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He stays through the restlessness – through the twitching and twisting of her body – through the nights of little sleep and the days of exhausted haze.

He tells her stories that are almost, but not quite, biblical, and again when she doesn't remember them, repeats until she understands.

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