" - yeah. That's fair."

"Do you have any ideas about conditions that might?"

"...I know something about what conditions would have been good for the old him. But I don't know how to apply that knowledge to - this situation, really.. He hates the palace. Hates being the pharaoh."

"That does seem difficult. I don't know much about whether the pharaoh is allowed to ...vacation? Presumably he is?"

"I could ask him. I guess. I - feel bad asking for it because I'm sure there's so much to be done right now? But - maybe if it would be good for him. 

"I don't know that he can go to any places that he, uh, likes."

"What places does he like?"

"Wildernesses, mostly. Places without lots of people."

"It seems like it might be good to ask him about it, even if things aren't possible, so he knows you're - thinking of him."

"Yeah. I don't - really know how to signal that to him, now.

"He said something the other day that - I don't even remember the specific words. Something about how he really appreciated me doing what he said and trying to solve my own problems and that he knew it meant I was trying. He keeps saying things like that, I think it's him trying to be supportive, but - it keeps making me worry that he's reading fear responses as, like, signals of affection, or something."

"Are there things you're doing right now that are because you love him and want him to feel cared for?"

"Uh. I kiss him and I snuggle him every night even though I don't - really want to, exactly? And - I'm trying to fix the problem. So I can sleep with him. I don't know if that's - specifically because I want him to feel cared for now, but - I don't want him to come back in twenty years and have kids with someone else and not be able to have a meaningful relationship with me, anymore, you know?

"And - I guess that's also part of why I don't want to just let him do whatever he wants, right, because - I don't want him to leave me unable to interact with him, or - to wreck all of my best qualities, and then come to his senses in twenty years and be heartbroken about the fact that I'm not - someone he can love, anymore.

"But I guess it's kind of - not the sort of thing you can expect someone to read as affectionate."

"It seems like maybe someone might end up reading those things as affectionate because there aren't other things that are more decidedly affectionate and they would very much like to believe there's something."

"I guess so.

"I don't want to act like I feel safe around him when I don't? I don't want him to be unaware that he's still terrifying and he needs to work on being less terrifying? But - I guess it's not really fair to expect affection from him if I'm not really giving him any of it either."

"Hmmm. I think sometimes people manage to find a balance between being honest and being harsh, by - being honest but playfully? Telling him whatever it is that you want him to know, but not necessarily making it into a big conversation, not necessarily trying to demonstrate every minute that it's true..."

"I'm - not sure I know how to be playfully honest about being afraid for my future and my life and my afterlife. And I'm not trying to demonstrate it, half of the stuff I'm thinking of is next to involuntary, I just - don't like him reading fear responses as evidence that I care about him. Even though I do.

"I guess I'm also kind of worried that if he realizes that certain things are not affectionate then he'll be angry. And I don't know how to be sure he won't be."

"That he'd be angry that you don't feel affectionate towards him? Or that he misread the situation?"

"First thing. I guess."

"It seems like the sort of thing most people would feel hurt about, even if they didn't feel angry."

"And that's fair, but - 

"I don't know how to know whether he'd hurt me. If he got really angry about things."

"What do you think would happen if you asked him?"

"I think he would be annoyed at me. I'm not sure what he'd say about it but I think he would be annoyed about having to say it."

"It seems - important for you two to have some avenues of communication that reliably work."

"Yeah. That would be nice."

"Was that something you had before?"

" - I mean we definitely had miscommunications before? But the results were less, uh, dire. Because - I knew I was safe. And I could tell him stuff, and we could circle back around to things and try our best to talk about them later, if something was bugging us. And now I'm just - spending most of our conversations trying really hard not to upset him. Trying to be what I'm supposed to be."