"Yeah, I kind of figured this was not something you were going to be interested in."

"You were not wrong." 

"Do you want us to give presents to children who aren't celebrating Christmas? To children who were naughty?"

"Yes and yes. Also no giving live animals as pets, if that was a thing that was happening, I don't know that it was and sorry if it wasn't I just want to make sure." 

He writes this down. 

"No live animals. Anything else you want to blacklist?"

"As pets, if someone wants a chicken for eggs they can have it. — uh. No guns?" 

"Weapons are already on the blacklist. I have no idea why six-year-olds are like that but we get at least ten requests for a nuclear bomb every year."

"Kids in general get kind of edgier-than-thou although I'd expect it more from ten-year-olds than six. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head but I'll keep thinking about it. What's the upper age limit to be considered a child, is there one?" 

"When they stop believing in Santa Claus. --You can come up with a different rule within reason, you can't say that all human sixty-year-olds are children compared to elves."

"...since we're going to be providing actual evidence of my existence I might want to keep that one actually but I'll keep thinking about that too." 

"Since we're telling people about your existence, should we start giving presents of equal quality to rich children and poor children?"

"— yes. Why was that not already the policy. Alternately poor kids should get better presents from us because they don't have as much in general." 

"It's suspicious if poor kids get presents their parents couldn't afford."

"Thanks I hate it. We aren't doing that." 

"...you are the best Santa."

"The other guy doesn't exactly sound hard to beat but thank you." 

"...So I feel really bad about this next thing I'm going to tell you."

".....go on." 

"...if you don't get married in the next two years you stop being Santa. It's called the Mrs. Clause-- C-L-A-U-S-E--"

".....the fuck." 

"...I'm sorry, if I knew how to change it I would."

"Sorry. I'm not mad at you about it, I'm — uh, some combination of frustrated with the world in general and confused and incredibly fucking tired. Please say it doesn't have to be to a girl." 

"Well, I don't think humans can marry men?"

"...varies by jurisdiction but it's been legal in the United States since 2015 and the North Pole is not to my knowledge a country." 

"...oh! That's good for humans, I guess. --I think technically we're part of Canada."