"...At first, I didn't want to talk to you because you not only wanted me dead but were very plausibly going to force me out of existence if I didn't cooperate.  Because, I don't know, generously you maybe thought I was way more dangerous than I knew that I am.  But now I've already gone through the really distressing cooperation attempt, and maybe you don't think I'm as dangerous as all that anymore, and you've caused me to have a nice breakfast and you aren't currently trying to force me out of existence.  So given that I kind of want to talk to someone I'm more okay with it being you."

"Huh. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know.  Julien, I guess.  I... don't hate him, actually, and I definitely don't want bad things to happen to him - except insofar as this is necessary in order to give myself any experiences that aren't extremely negative - but.... he's just kind of the worst in some ways and I wish he weren't.  If he were less the worst I don't think I would need to exist."

"Need to exist?"

"Because - there are a bunch of factors here.  He hates himself.  He thinks that because he's himself, it's fine for him to be tortured, even though he doesn't think that about anyone else.  And... he - wants - he's prioritizing his future self - the interests of his future self - the one that's most the way he wants to be, and every other person, over the version of him that actually exists.  And he's not even doing it effectively!  He was so scared of anyone thinking he was still delusional that he asked you to force us to drink.  Like he went straight there; he didn't ask you to, convince us, or lie to us, or - go about it in any way other than immediately jumping to the most distressing thing.  Which is not very nice to you either!  I don't think that would have been fun for you, and, he said, that if he were in your place the most stressful part would be deciding what to do, but he didn't give you any idea of what options would be better than holding us down and making us drink!  Which would be torture!  And you don't seem like you'd enjoy that either in the moment or as something you'd done!

"...And that's why I have to exist, is, if you have both the really sharp division between states of yourself, because you let your embarrassment dictate whether you identify with them, and you also have - a disregard for whether anything that happens to you when you're not your very best self matters, then - maybe someone else is going to step in to represent the interests of those other parties, once you realize that some sort of consciousness would have to be around to experience all the horrible things you wanted, and you don't just get to skip to the part where you've already been tortured for everyone's minimal convenience."

"I was actually interpreting the request to force water as, like, it's available as an emergency directive but not a first resort. I have emergency directives. If anybody who's got access to my file notices I'm backlashed enough that I think everyone's imaginary they're authorized to get me to June's silo whether I like it or not, and if I'm making that difficult they're authorized to do it by buying a teleport with my money. But nobody ever takes that to mean that I'm inviting them to go straight for it if it doesn't look like it's literally a matter of life and death."

"...............It does also seem operative that I'm magically afraid of things.  We're.  Magically afraid of things.  Like I don't think normally I would ever become multiple people, but - the personality is also relevant; most espers don't fracture like this.  That I know of."

"They don't, you're right."

"And... I think there was a lot of internal stuff that's more important to what I said than stuff you were able to see.  Like - the emergency directive angle is not something I'm entirely against, it was - thinking about it as.....something broader than that.  Something deserved, instead of something practical."

"Yeah, I didn't register it on that level at all. The only sense in which you or he would deserve to be forced to drink water is in the sense that you deserve to survive hell week. Uh, biologically speaking, whatever your sense of personal identity is up to."

"That's part of it too, is the - there's an attitude that as long as we survive and don't hurt anyone else, nothing about what happens this week matters at all.  He hasn't suggested the idea of just tying us up and leaving us in a padded room and occasionally putting nutrients and wet things into our body to anyone, but - pretty much only because he doesn't think anyone would go for it, I think.  And because people don't seem to want to, which sounds the same but is separate.  And he doesn't even realize that if that happened we probably wouldn't come out of this week being very okay."

"Some people do need to be restrained or sedated their whole awakening but you obviously don't. And, uh, being traumatized about one's awakening isn't even rare, I think most of us try therapy about it at some point though I found it wasn't for me."

"It's not - I expect us to be somewhat traumatized about this already.  Depending on how restraining us went I think we could have very well ended up never being okay."

Nod. "Uh, do you want me to get Paula to find you... two... a therapist? I wasn't going to ask till after but as long as it's already come up."

"...I think you should ask Julien, because he's going to be the one who has to deal with it.  Just by virtue of being around a lot more than I am."  He curls up a little, scritches the back of his head thoughtfully.  "But if it helps to start looking earlier I don't think that would hurt."

"Sometimes they're booked out for a while, it can't hurt." He texts Paula.

- Most of the way through that, he lets out a single amused snort.

"Mm?"

"I thought of a name!  For myself.  It's really perfect.  Julien might hate me for it but only if it would force him to confront some things that he'd rather not but really should."

"...okay, what's your name?"

"Bug."

"Because you're... scared of being squished?"

"No, because of the way he thinks about me."  He - Bug - stands up.  "He'll know what I mean."  He pulls the shirt off over his head, trembling a little through the smile.

...Haru holds out an arm.

Yes here he is.

"I think we do better when there's actually something to be afraid of.  Like this."