"...fine." Up the stairs again he trots.

It's not that he wants to be killed but given that it's inevitable it seems cruel to protract the process.  He doesn't tell his murderer this; the practicalities are taken care of now and there's no reason to make buddy-buddy with him beyond that.  He doesn't owe him any vulnerability.  (...It's a shame that there's no word with the same kind of accusation built in as 'murderer', but for someone who.... forcibly drugs people into comas?  It's not that he thinks he's going to die forever, and that's important, but - Haru wants him dead and probably would kill him if he could.  He just doesn't have the ability.)

The guiding feels nice except for how if he thinks enough about how nice it feels he will die comatize stop existing.  Which means he can't enjoy it.  The flinch reaction is simply too much.  What if his existence isn't tied to the level of backlash at all but the level of guiding?  He feels like if he can just distract himself enough, he'll -
- he'll fall away, and the other one will come back.  And it's not that he wants that, he wants to live, but.  Yeah.  If he's not allowed to live then he wants this over with as soon as possible.

Maybe things will be better next time.  Haru's right about one thing; he has to be willing to cooperate with the other one.  He doesn't want to, because the other one started it and the bar is in the fucking floor for being more cooperative than him, but getting back at people doesn't actually get you anywhere.  He knows that.  (He's not sure the other one does, though.)  So.... compliance, pretty much perfect compliance with what the other one wants, is the name of the game.

Thus far the crying has pretty politely been sticking to tears qua tears, but the idea of Cricket, a monster and a cat who by all rights should have a better understanding of what it's like to be something that - people hate or don't think is valuable or don't respect or don't think of as an autonomous person with intrinsic value - than regular people, wanting to insult him... it's rather upsetting.  And he doesn't even have the dignity of a shirt to wipe his face with.

"I'm getting tissues."  He stands up.  "I'm getting tissues and I'm washing my hands and I'm not resisting, so don't come after me."

"Noted."

Cricket comes down with headphones in his mouth and deposits them in the area of the couch ?Julien? vacated and climbs into Haru's lap to be petted.

He blows his nose a bunch and washes his hands and brings the tissues over.  Headphones.

.....Nothing feels right to listen to right now.  He spends a good ten minutes trying to pick something out of his library, then goes for the Les Mis soundtrack, but that's not right and he switches to 80s pop a minute later.  Which also is not right, but - is less obtrusive.  Phantom?  Phantom is pretty good drama and melodrama and big feelings and - a guy who everyone is mean to for no reason.  Until he does things that warrant being mean to him about, which he's going to avoid.  But redemption, ultimately.  And it has bangers, that's important.

Yeah, this is a fine thing to die.... go away.... to.  He does the melting-into-Haru thing again, over the next twenty or so minutes.

Haru spends those twenty minutes being treated to an explanation of who everybody in season two of the Wire is and what shenanigans they are up to. Cricket approves of Beadie, if Julien's paying attention.

He really isn't.

Until he sits up and looks at Haru.  And deheadphoneses.  Then he's paying attention to the extent that he's listening for a break in the conversation so that he can say something.

Haru, hovering and cuddling (right arm) and petting Cricket (left hand), says, "I wonder if Charlie would know anything about - yes, Julien?"

"I'm back."

"...welcome back. Is there like, a bright line, or six transitional identities, or a fuzzy median state...?"

"I don't know.  I had to distract myself, to get out of it, so I was.  Distracted.  From the experience of being me.  Or him, or whatever.  I guess I can rule out the six one."

"You're still going with the anthropomorphizing angle from this - vantage point?"

"I don't know?  I - really kind of want to, just from how embarrassing it is...  But maybe I shouldn't."

"I sometimes talk about backlashed me and regular me like separate people but just as a linguistic convenience to emphasize that it's not like a nonmagical mood I get into."

"Hm.  .....Next time either of us needs a shower do you want to put on swim trunks and do it together?"

"Sure. Are yours coming with the rest of your care package?"

"They will be once I text my mom about it."  He should do that; he does that.

"Cricket?"

Purrrrrrring on Haru. "What."

"What were you going to ask about me earlier?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Okay."  He's soooooo curious but okay.  Probably it was something really awful, if he doesn't want to say it now.  Awful in a way that reflects on Julien personally.

Cricket resumes explaining the Wire.

And Julien missed too much of the beginning to have any hope of understanding what's going on, so back to Phantom for him, apparently.