"Hi?"

"Hi. I'm Maitimë, calling from Valinor, you're not in any trouble but I'm sure you'd like an explanation of what happened, can I be of any assistance?"

"An explanation would be grand."

"For Elves, penetrative sex results in a soul bond which I'm going to call a 'soul bond' to distinguish it from the related human concept of marriage. Elves usually only do this on purpose but it will happen whenever they have penetrative sex. There was apparently a miscommunication about that?"

"I swear to God she said 'activities which could lead to children', I had a vasectomy two years ago -"

"I believe you, I'm not upset with you, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong."

"I can't have a soul bond, I'm married, I have a sub and a three-year-old at home."

"The soul bond doesn't obligate you to do anything. If you think that what's best for you would be to head home, I will be happy to communicate everything to Minassë and make sure she's all right. It'd be good if we can talk through other options, but they're just options, we'll support you in whatever is best for your child and your family."

"What do you mean options."

"Is your partner open to you having other partners?"

"He doesn't mind if I pick up subs when I'm out of town."

"Are you likely to want to come back here?"

"It seems likely to come up for work unless I quit my job..."

"Okay. I expect Minassë would rather hook up with you when you're in town than not that, so that would be an example of an option."

"I'd have to have a whole 'nother conversation with Johnny if I was seeing somebody regularly. Who thinks I married her."

"I understand. Would it help with that any to have someone present to explain how Elves work?"

"It'd make it look less like I was talking out my ass. Who the fuck says 'activities that could lead to children' when they mean 'penetrative sex', there is a difference."

"We will revise all of our communications meant for humans. I imagine it's really frustrating to be affected like this by a mistake on our parts."

"You imagine, huh."

"I deal with a couple of these a year. It's really a terrible species design."

"This happened even before you met humans? Wouldn't you guys know?"

"Yes, but people get drunk and carried away and don't think ahead, or they heard a rumor that if you do it backwards it doesn't count, and so on..."

"Backwards?" says George, bewildered.

"Elven society doesn't have very good sexual education."

"Well that sounds dangerous as all get out -" Sigh. "I'm usually more put together than this."