"I'm - sorry, I guess?" he says. "It's... it's part of what goes into making it true that I will never be hostile to you no matter what, and I feel like that's important. I don't know. I don't think I could've come here without it, but - if it's not something you want..."

"No, it just means I need to think. The way - I was thinking about it - you had a teleport, you could safely rule out any outcome you considered worse than 'you decide to teleport away'. The other one - in that memory - it didn't actually matter except to him that he was being compliant, that's a difference - and if it isn't -"

"Oh."

He smiles.

"Yeah, I think I see what you mean. But it isn't a relevant distinction for us. It's... I'm not even sure how to articulate it, but... when I came here I was deliberately putting myself in your power, and I meant for that to hold even if someday I become as godlike as Elaneth-imire? The fact that you have control of my life should not depend on you being able to keep it by force. So it - doesn't. Because I am very very very serious about never coming into tangible conflict with you."

"I appreciate that. I do not want you to have your head arranged around being unaffected by being raped at ongoing personal cost."

It's not even that he'd be unaffected, it's -

- actually there seems to be a latent implication here that Maitimo prefers him to be affected by being raped, which - well, if that's what he wants, he can have it, of course, but even though Taliar does genuinely trust that Maitimo means what he says about not wanting to really hurt him, it still makes the prospect of becoming vulnerable in that way kind of intimidating -

He has an impulse to just rip the protective acceptance out of his head and have done with it, but that's not the way to go, here, he doesn't urgently need to get rid of it and there's no point in hurting himself just to get it over with quicker. So.

What is the shape of this problem, why is he having such trouble with this... that technically wasn't explicit permission to say no and have that respected but it's nevertheless clear what Maitimo wants him to do... he's afraid but he knows he doesn't need to be, it shouldn't be getting in his way like this...

This is a bind you put yourself in, entirely, I never said I'd ignore a refusal -

I was going with the best information I had at the time, never having actually met you, he says. I don't blame you at all; you never asked for me in the first place and you certainly had no obligation to correct my assumptions. But now here we are and I'm having trouble. It's fine; I'll get it figured out somehow. Do you want to help or would you rather leave me to it? Or are you not sure?

I am not clear on how to help.

I'm not totally sure either.

He shouldn't need to be reassured that doing this will not lead to him being harmed - he knows it won't - and even if it were going to, he is still in principle willing to do it - but it still feels irrationally frightening. That might be another piece of the puzzle, actually - he's approaching this like he's trying to change his expectations in assurance of safety, because that's the reality, but his emotions disagree. So maybe he should take the other approach.

Doing this will give Maitimo the capacity to hurt him very very badly in a way he couldn't have done before. That's frightening, even though he trusts Maitimo not to use it. But he is okay with Maitimo having the capacity to hurt him very very badly. He's Sun-dark. He's not about to deny Maitimo power over him.

Okay, that's... much better for him than just forcing himself to make the change, but still going to be more painful and frightening and - leave him more fragile, for a little while afterward - than doing it from a place of properly-felt trust.

So.

You could say reassuring things about how you really aren't going to take advantage of this to harm me, he says, which I seem to be having trouble feeling even though I know perfectly well it's true. Or you could sing me trust songs, that would also work. Or you could leave me to it and I'll do it the other way and be a little off-balance for a bit afterward but still ultimately better off than if I left myself like this indefinitely.

He starts singing.

I love you, he says, closing his eyes and listening contentedly to the song. Maitimo's voice is so beautiful.

As the effect fades in, he keeps checking - does it feel right yet? no? how about now? no? how about -

And then it does, it feels perfect, he trusts Maitimo completely, more than enough for the feeling to match the knowledge. And he just - makes the change, it's as simple as that. There is a distant feeling of releasing a burden, blurred by the high of more-than-perfect trust.

Good.

Thanks for helping, he says, snuggling up. I love you. I trust you.

And while he's here he might as well - fix the underlying problem - he has the knowledge of trust but not the feeling of it, well, there's plenty of that feeling available at the moment, it shouldn't be that hard to make it stick. It is technically objectively stupid to be doing something like this but he did specifically ask Maitimo to use mind control to help him fuck with his head so under the circumstances he thinks he will give himself a pass.

I don't understand why you did it at all if you were going to contort yourself like this to be totally untouchable-

I wasn't totally untouchable. It wouldn't make it hurt less - not by much, anyway - the difference is mostly in the recovery. And... from a certain perspective it gives you more options, not having to worry about doing permanent damage. And it's, hmm...

He's a little too high to complete that train of thought; it trails off half-finished, something about it not being entirely a deliberate strategic self-modification, more a component of the process of deciding to do this in the first place.

I don't blame you for doing it, not really, it's just a reminder of upsetting things.

Sorry about that. Love you.

I know. You won't be in a position of wishing you hadn't trusted me.

I know I won't, he says contentedly. For reasons unrelated to being high on trust songs, even.

And he's pretty sure he has successfully installed that feeling of trust where it belongs. He feels very successful. And cozy and comfortable and utterly trusting - without the excited desire to see that trust put to use, this time; he's in this mental state for different reasons.

He stops singing and waits the song out.

Taliar waits too, snuggling Maitimo happily.

As the effect fades, his soul begins to glow faintly blue, which is very reasonable of it; choosing to trust Maitimo like this was a very blue thing to do. The glow strengthens. Taliar, with his eyes closed, distracted by the fading high, doesn't notice for a few seconds; but then he feels it, a slow tide rising in his soul, a wave of deep and glorious love...

He opens his eyes and blinks in the blue-gold light. This seems - vaguely not the time, somehow - but okay, his godhood is apparently imminent. In retrospect it's not surprising that the key component was that particular flavour of trust.

...huh.

He hugs Maitimo and then nestles comfortably against him. Congratulations, you have your very own god now, he says wryly. I love you. Wow, do I ever...

The sensation of his love for Maitimo lighting up his soul is one of the most amazing things he's ever felt. It's a little weird that it's coming on so slowly, but he likes it, it gives him a chance to really appreciate the feeling - and there goes his mental privacy exception for Maitimo, becoming irrevocable; and there goes his protection against soul contact, with its irrevocable exception for Maitimo; and there goes Maitimo's ability to make his soul feel like imaginary strangers are touching it... and as his soul brightens further, the mental privacy exception becomes a mental link with world-spanning range, and then the range to reach from a world to its neighbour... it feels nice, having these powers fall into place. It feels right. He agrees with his soul that these are correct things for it to do.

And you can take on secrecy for us -

Yeah. In three days.