And, as predicted, he is tremendously fucked up.

It would probably be a lot worse if he hadn't had that interval of calm. He knows what's happening, he is aware of his surroundings, he can remember the soul contact and the conversation that followed it and have something in his head other than the lingering effect of almost a day of the worst moment of his life. But wow he is not okay.

He's not sure he'll be able to sort it out anytime soon, either. He'll manage eventually. He'd manage even if Maitimo decided now would be a good time to torture him. He is Sun-dark Taliar and there is nothing he can't manage. But he's pretty sure that, left to himself, he will not be ready to get out of bed and go interact with the world for at least another day.

"I can put the calm back."

It's hard to even evaluate whether that'll help, in this state - he can tell it'll make everything better in the short term, but he doesn't know whether it'll solve the problem or just delay it...

"Then how about not. Come over here."

Okay, he can do that.

...or try to. It's unexpectedly difficult to move, not even because he's particularly afraid of what will happen if he does, just because the fog of unrelenting misery makes everything difficult.

He'll figure out a way around it. Somehow. He is not letting the memory of Nahira win this one. He just has to - think of something, get a handle on the problem -

He moves closer, picks him up, pulls him into his lap.

I love you, he says, smiling slightly. It feels so wonderfully safe. He starts to relax and only then notices how tense he's been since the calming song wore off. His hands hurt in the way that means he's clenched his fists to bruising. His emotions are still mostly a bottomless well of horror, but he can almost float on top of it, leaning on Maitimo, safe in his arms...

...and now he's disappointed in himself all over again because he shouldn't have needed this, he should've been stronger than that.

"Stop that."

Stop what—?

"I clearly haven't acquired a liability here. I do not need or want to be totally extraneous to your functioning or your wellbeing. You needed me. That's fine."

...okay.

Not being disappointed in himself is a difficult problem, but orders of magnitude smaller and more manageable than the other one. He sets to it. Maitimo is not angry with him, Maitimo doesn't mind that he needed him, he is doing fine, he does not have to be literally flawless—

(of course he does, who does he think he's kidding, he's a Taliar)

—yes, well, Maitimo told him to stop being disappointed in himself, so shut up—

(not even Maitimo's word can make a failure not a failure)

—and why not, he is here for Maitimo and it is Maitimo's standards that matter—

(no one ever holds Taliar to a high enough standard except himself, this is no different)

—yes it fucking is because he is Maitimo's present and if Maitimo says he's doing all right then by definition it is so.

Okay. Fine. Okay. He takes a deep breath, lets it out, tries to chase the distant echo of Nahira's laughter from his mind, fails, sighs, cuddles into Maitimo's lap and closes his eyes and wraps himself in the feeling of safety as much as he can.

"I understand you well enough to impersonate you, I assure you I can hold you to a high enough standard."

He's not actually entirely sure of that - his father knows him as well or better, and has never managed it, primarily because while his father supports him in his outrageously farfetched endeavours his father has no inclination to demand them of him.

"That seems like an important difference."

Well. Then maybe Maitimo can do it, and won't that be new and interesting and different.

(He likes the thought of Maitimo demanding things of him and holding him to his own standards in the endeavour. He'd have more room to like it in if he wasn't still eighty percent trauma, but he likes it pretty well in the mental space he has available.)

"You're here for me. You're here to be exactly what I want, and I don't think much of guilt. You'll hold yourself to whatever standards you like but if you fail, you'll come to me and you will trust me to fix it and you will not feel guilty, because that's what I want."

All right. I'll— (he smiles slightly) —do my best.

And that will of course be good enough. 

He loves Maitimo so much.

Oh now he's crying, that's a thing that's happening. Okay.

He runs a hand through his hair and hums something nonmagical.

Snuggles. Tears. Love. (A brief shudder when Maitimo touches him unexpectedly - he only thinks of the wrong person for the tiniest fractional instant, but it's enough to make his pulse jump. The lovely soothing feeling of Maitimo's hand in his hair more than makes up for it on balance.)

I'm glad you're mine. I'm going to keep you.

He smiles, and feels a deep ringing note of love with undertones of joy and satisfaction, and - starts crying even harder, well, all right then, he can do that.

He holds him and hums and waits.

He cries. He cries a lot. It sort of oscillates between happy crying because Maitimo is glad to have him and wants to keep him, and utterly wrecked crying because he can't get Nahira out of his head, and happy crying because Maitimo is holding him and it feels so good and safe, and all the way back around again.