"I had thought you able to stand on your own."

Dry laugh.

"Probably I could've, in - a more normal world. Not gotten knocked down so many times I forgot where I'm supposed to stand."

Reflexively, she touches her collar.

"Discovered I - prefer not to, though."

Elesse is silent, her face very still, presence in the Force entirely closed off.

"...Elesse?"

"I am here," she says, letting herself leak back into the world.

She goes back to hugging herself, absently.

"After you died - "

She closes her eyes. Breathes, slowly and calmly. Reaches again for her bond to Occlus.

"I tried to kill myself. I'm - not sure how many times. Palpatine - Sidious - stopped me and kept me alive."

"I - by the time I really have coherent memories again, I was trapped in a life support suit. Couldn't breathe on my own. Couldn't get pregnant again, though. There was that."

"He - declared me his apprentice. Darth Vader. He wouldn't accept anything else. He'd declared himself Emperor, destroyed the last remnants of the Republic with the full and eager consent of most of the Senate."

"I learned to stop wanting things. Or caring, or feeling, or - having a personality. I did a lot I regret now, even if the entire thing is - like I was dreaming, and watching someone else pilot my body around."

"And then... I met my daughter. Leia. She was a junior Senator in the Imperial Senate of all things - she'd ended up taken in by Bail Organa." Small sob. "Really the best place she could've ended up. Bail'd always been - a good person."

"I recognized her. I couldn't not. I - tried to keep it to myself that I had, and Palpatine wasn't looking into my mind much anymore. I guess blank screaming wasn't entertaining. I still didn't really - feel things, or want things. But I knew I'd rather die than betray her, so... I kept the secret."

"And then - nineteen years after you died - there was a weapon Palpatine was building. The Death Star. I ended up stuck serving on it as a punishment, at one point, and then Leia got captured - she'd been part of the rebellion against the Empire. She was implicated in leaking the specs of the Death Star. So - the officer in charge of the Death Star tested it on Alderaan - on her home planet - destroyed it." She trembles, closing her eyes.

"I didn't stop him."

"I - was starting to learn how to be scared, again. That officer wanted Leia dead. But... The Force was with her, I guess. Her brother - Luke - came and rescued her. He destroyed the Death Star a few battles later, too, when it was threatening a Rebel base."

"I started... Dreaming of not being Palpatine's slave again. I couldn't see a path forward with the Rebellion - they'd never accept his attack dog - I couldn't see a path forward on my own, I didn't know how to be a person anymore - so I tried reaching out to my kids. To form our own side, where I could be theirs. Win their battles for them."

"They both refused. Rather strongly. They - didn't want to do things my way."

"And - four years after the Death Star was destroyed, Luke confronted Palpatine. Palpatine won. Tortured him in front of me. Threatened to kill Leia."

"I didn't know how to - how to want anything. But I couldn't let Palpatine hurt my children. So I killed him."

"I think he wasn't expecting it. He managed to strike against me, anyways, shorted out my life support. Luke dragged me off the base, healed me - he barely knew how to use the Force, but he was so strong in the light, so sure of himself - "

"Luke and Leia kept my past as Vader secret. Introduced me as a prisoner Luke had rescued. I - spent the next five years trying to be a good teacher to them. Trying to support their dreams. Help Leia rebuild the galactic government, help Luke be a Jedi. I - tried to be a person again, too, as best I could."

"Wasn't always good at it, but I was - doing okay."

She pauses again, tries to figure out how best to explain Occlus - her hand goes back to her collar, fingering it.

"Until you found a replacement." For her or for Palpatine she leave unspecified.

...Yeah it's probably really obvious.

"Occlus is - she's her own person. Not a replacement. I love and trust her. I'm hers."

"Mm."

"She didn't - try to claim me or anything. I met her in my job, and - we were just coworkers for a really long time. She'd neglect to eat, would instead stay late working in the Archives, so I'd bring her dinner. We talked about the Force, and our work, and - she's the most brilliant person I've ever known. She got along with my kids. Even Leia, who's a bit... Prickly, at times. She listened to me when I was having problems. Trusted me with some of her own secrets. She set aside her work to help me, more than once, and we went out on assignments together, sometimes."

"I fell in love with her normally. I thought about what a relationship with her would mean - rationally, and for a while. I actually talked it out with someone else, even. I - wanted somewhere stable to go to, and I knew she liked - control. Of herself, of her surroundings, of her possessions. I wanted to be hers like that - that intensely. And I hadn't wanted anything in decades, but I wanted her. And she likes it when I want things, and helps me when I - can't be a person. Helps me with my kids and grand kids, too. She - fully supported me in getting you back, even though she knows I love you, and she's not - a sharing person. But - you being alive was something I wanted, and she makes sure I get what I want."

"She's just - so incredibly good for me."

"I see."

"I think that I need some time."

"Okay."

"Should I step out?"

"Something longer-term."

"Oh."

"I - There's definitely a place for a Jedi in the New Republic. We can avoid each other. Or... There's a lot of universes. I - haven't wrapped my head around it all, I just found out a few days ago, but - you could stay in one of the others. I'd - stay away."

She doesn't sound very happy about this.

"I do not yet know if that is what I wish."

"Okay. I - you can change your mind, whatever you decide - "

"...One relevant thing is people apparently - repeat. Or their patterns do. Same Force signatures, similar enough personalities. There's - a group of people from across universes, who apparently pattern match to - the same sort of person you and I are. Resurrecting you was one of their resources, and they have - a lot set up, I think."

"I see. I will take this into consideration."

- Wanting things is currently being really hard but Ani kind of wants to not be in this conversation anymore. She's - overwhelmed, sad, hasn't gotten the closure she wanted, just - just Elesse unhappy with her -

Occlus knocks on the door, sending a silent summons to Ani.

She relaxes, and goes to open the door.

Occlus pulls her in close, narrowing her eyes at Elesse.

She stares blandly back.

Snuggle. She leans her head on Occlus's shoulder.

(She loves Occlus so much, and the anxiety and stress and sadness that's been washing through her throughout the conversation just - floats off.)

"We're leaving now, pet," she says.

Turning to Naraka, "If you would be so kind."

Naraka has been trying really hard not to listen in but that's a bit hard when you have super hearing.

She nods, creating a portal - then, to Elesse, "You should come to, we don't come by this world that often..."