It's also often sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy - being functional is really important to my self-image, and if I can't get people to believe I'm okay then I can't be okay. 

If there are ever things I could do or not do that do actually help or hurt above and beyond the acting like you're okay will you tell me -?

Yeah, of course. There are, lots of things, but they're mostly - also good for other reasons - like, not being under the oath, that's really good, and being here inventing things instead of in Amon Ereb waiting to die....

I would've suggested it sooner if I'd known there was a here to be.

We came to Gimilgathol in the immediate aftermath of the Battle of Unnumbered Tears - uh, the one that made it evident we couldn't win - and they were very nice about it but there was no way we could afford the risk we were bringing down on their heads in the long term, and after Tumunzahar fell I sort of stopped thinking of it as an option - it should have occurred to me the minute you mentioned that your world was technologically ahead....

It's a pity I don't know very much about how to build anything but they're getting really far on vague memories and drawings made out of letters.

They're pretty brilliant and it's terribly urgent. 

Nod.

I think if Melkor were stopped and everybody we killed reembodied and you were immortal and humans in general were immortal and the children grew up to be happy then I could be okay eventually.

...pretty tall order.

I'm not sure all humans want to be immortal.

I don't want to be immortal, and commend the sense of anybody else who doesn't. But they should get to choose.

I'm pretty sure they don't want to be immortal mostly for silly reasons, but yeah, choosing is good.

Anyway. I don't think I can be okay when my existence in the world has unequivocally made it unimaginably worse than it otherwise would have been.

Are you actually positive it did - you weren't the only person who took the oath -

Yes but without me no one would have followed us.

I don't really have enough information to dispute that.

Sigh. I need you to exist but there's only one of me and I also wouldn't need it if you never had so that's not a very good argument.

I'm not going to stop existing. Can't. I just - conveniently the way to deal with this need of mine is to make things good, as long as we can, for as many people as we can -

That is pretty convenient.

And that's not connected to the panic attacks, I can tackle those separately.

...okay.

I want Angband to stop existing.

Me too.

And I love you and I'm so so sorry -