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One of the books Lev read about how to ace grad school recommended setting aside Saturday nights for partying, in order to avoid resenting the rigor of the rest of your schedule. He follows the spirit of the advice, if not the letter; no matter how overworked he is, he keeps his Saturday nights sacred.
It takes a long time to shave all his body hair; he has hair on his chest and his stomach and his arms and all over his legs, and a week is enough time for it to grow back into stubble. But moving the razor over his skin is meditative. He likes it. It's a way of marking the difference between being Lev and being Leia.
Having smooth skin is decadent. Every time he marvels at how soft it is, how easy it is to run his hand along it; every time he feels the slide of sheets against his skin. This is the point in the night where he gets hard.
When he gets out of the shower he touches up his toenails; this week they're a light pink. He puts clear nail polish on his fingernails and carefully plucks his eyebrows. No one notices, but he can tell they're there, and it's comforting during the week.
He's not blind. He's seen girls, he's even had a girlfriend, he knows what they dress like: Old Navy shirts and faded denim, clothes that wouldn't really look out of place on a man. But he's not a girl. It's just a fetish. And he wants to be beautiful. He wants to be someone you could look at and desire.
And he's pudgy and broad-shouldered and flat-chested and unalterably square, he has a little bit of a belly and flab under his arms and most repulsive of all a penis, that disgustingly male body part, that he can't even tuck away out of sight because the process of getting dressed turns him on so much. No one would pause in what they're doing to look at him; no one would want him.
But he can at least dress like someone they would want.
So he wears high heels and fishnet stockings held up with suspenders, a frilly lacy tulle skirt and a sheer bra. He puts on the cosmetics even the names of which fill him with longing; foundation and concealer, eyeliner and mascara and three kinds of eyeshadow, lipstick and blush and bronzer.
It's not right. But if he looks in the mirror and squints he can imagine being beautiful.
His hair is shoulder-length now. He jokes about how he never had time to cut it.
He doesn't jerk off right away, even though his stupid penis is still hard and making his panties bulge out. Instead he takes out his books from his secret cache. If he were doing it right, it would be transformation fetish pornography. But he's a failure even as an autogynephile. He has Cognitive Psychology of Memory and Blackwell's Handbook of Perception, Advances in Behavioral Finance and Characterizing Human Psychological Adaptations, books from a dozen graduate seminars he's not brave enough to try to audit.
He reads for an hour or four, until it is time for him to go to bed; then he begins the most pathetic aspect of this whole sorry business. He scrolls through Facebook for pictures of Sasha where he's smiling, happy, at peace with himself and with the world. He imagines being Sasha's girlfriend, imagines Sasha's dick in her pussy and his mouth on hers and his hands in her hair, imagines walking down the street holding hands and a wedding where she's in a white dress and being called a good girl, his beautiful girl. And when he's horny enough that he can bear it he puts his hand on his dick and jerks off in the most efficient manner possible and finishes.
As always, on Saturday nights, it concludes in disgust. The sticky white stuff on his hands is bad enough. Worse, no longer aroused, he's repulsed at how pathetic he is, at his failed imitation of womanhood, at the awkward way he looks in clothing intended for someone more beautiful than him, at the entire concept of jerking off to someone's Facebook feed and of using a real person as a tool to validate his imaginary womanhood, even in his own mind. He strips naked in a businesslike way and scrubs himself red and raw. He hides his books and clothes and makeup, knowing through long experience that throwing them out in disgust now will only lead to embarrassing and expensive purchases on Friday night.
He doesn't cry.
Mmmm snuggling is good they should be snugglier.
"Can't concentrate when I'm in class, can't pick up the information, don't retain what I do pick up."
"— I'm not, like, fidgety or anything. I just wind up staring off into space thinking about something else."
"You might have the predominantly inattentive type. Not all people with ADHD fidget. --If you unsnuggle me I can pull out my copy of the DSM-V."
Sasha unsnuggles him but wishes it to be known that he is less than happy about doing this.
Then Lev will present him with:
A. A persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning
or development, as characterized by (1) and/or (2):1. Inattention: Six (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree
that is inconsistent with developmental level and that negatively impacts directly on social and
academic/occupational activities:Note: The symptoms are not solely a manifestation of oppositional behavior, defiance, hostility, or failure to
understand tasks or instructions. For older adolescents and adults (age 17 and older), at least five symptoms
are required.a. Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork,
at work, or during other activities (e.g., overlooks or misses details, work is inaccurate).
b. Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (e.g., has difficulty remaining
focused during lectures, conversations, or lengthy reading).
c. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (e.g., mind seems elsewhere, even in
the absence of any obvious distraction).
d. Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties
in the workplace (e.g., starts tasks but quickly loses focus and is easily sidetracked).
e. Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., difficulty managing sequential tasks;
difficulty keeping materials and belongings in order; messy, disorganized work; has poor time
management; fails to meet deadlines).
f. Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental
effort (e.g., schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports,
completing forms, reviewing lengthy papers).
g. Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., school materials, pencils, books, tools,
wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones).
h. Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (for older adolescents and adults, may include
unrelated thoughts).
i. Is often forgetful in daily activities (e.g., doing chores, running errands; for older adolescents
and adults, returning calls, paying bills, keeping appointments)...B. Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were present prior to age 12 years.
C. Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms are present in two or more settings (e.g., at
home, school, or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities).D. There is clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, academic, or
occupational functioning.
"You should maybe go to the health center and try to get a prescription for stimulants? --I'd suggest therapy also but I don't know how good your insurance is and the student health services suck."
"I want to tell you all about the neuroscience of ADHD but probably that would be really boring."
Lev is a pretty good teacher when he's telling you about something he likes well enough but isn't particularly interested in.
He's an amazing teacher when he's talking about something he's interested in.
His shoulders are relaxed and his muscles aren't tense and he looks like he did when Sasha called him a good girl.
He's beautiful.
Sasha listens, asks questions, watches how his whole face is lit up.
After a few minutes he says, "sorry, we can talk about something you're interested in."
"I'm interested in this, I like listening to you. You're really good at teaching."
"I'm glad you like it so much. And not just because it let me meet you." He kisses Lev's cheek.
Then he can hear more about ADHD neuroscience!
(Bounce bounce bounce.)
It is really obvious that Lev loves psychology.
He's adorable.
"Have you ever thought about doing psych instead of engineering?"
"When I was in undergrad I used to take all the engineering classes and then audit a full courseload of psych classes. At least one professor was genuinely confused when I didn't ask her for a recommendation letter for psych grad school."
"I ask because you said electrical engineering was incredibly boring, and I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as you were just now."
"I love psychology. But I don't really love the idea of being an adjunct professor for the rest of my life."
"....it didn't sound like you love the idea of being an engineer either."