"Sasha, reality check, your talking dog just said I'm a unicorn." 

"My talking dog just said you're a unicorn. Marlo, this is Leo, Leo, this is Marlo, he's not going to stop being freaked out by the 'your purity' thing." 

"It is the appropriate title for a unicorn."

"Please just call me Marlo." 

"Thank you, Marlo."

He sounds somewhat overwhelmed by getting to address a unicorn by his first name.

"You're.... welcome." 

"Leo was created to be a fairy servant of the fairy princess, who is apparently our classmate Lilith, but I accidentally stole him so he's mine now." He curls up against Marlo. "I do recognize that all of this sounds completely batshit." 

"I just. --Unicorns are incredibly rare and incredibly powerful and purely good and it's. A lot. To think that I would get to meet one when I am barely a day old and then the unicorn would invite me to call him by his first name and he's dating my master and I'm babbling oh no."

He stares at Leo for a moment, and then abruptly moves so that his head is in Sasha's lap. 

"If this is a thing that's happening I want to be cuddling you for it." 

Sasha pets Marlo's hair. "Leo, what do unicorns do other than... be purely good?" 

Leo scratches his ear with a foot. "They basically just gave me etiquette information. --The 'head in a virgin's lap' thing is a unicorn thing, though, I know that."

"I'm not a virgin but that tracks." 

(Marlo's face has gone faintly pink.) 

Leo is going to IGNORE MARLO and pretend that ONLY SASHA IS HERE. This is probably extremely rude but he has no rules for this situation.

"Maybe the magic actually tracks something other than virginity? Or maybe there's a very specific definition of virginity." He thinks. "I don't think Marlo can become intoxicated. There's a rule that the normal rules about when to give people alcohol don't apply to unicorns because they can't get drunk. And judging by the amount of etiquette that has to do with paddocks, I think his true form is that of a horse with a horn on its forehead."

He keeps petting Marlo's hair. "That is generally what is meant by 'unicorn,' yes, and in the stories unicorns neutralize poison, that's probably what's up with the alcohol thing. — now I'm thinking about other unicorn stories and I can't get rid of the mental image of you with a two-foot horn on your forehead and it's stuck in a tree —" 

"I love you, hummingbird." 

"I love you too!" 

Leo's tail thumps the ground.

His master has a unicorn boyfriend who loves him, and that is very good, because unicorns are purely good, and probably a unicorn would not date someone who would mistreat him. It would be even harder to find a second replacement master.

Even though unicorns are kind of terrifying. 

"I can do magic when Sasha commands me," Leo says to Marlo, "and probably when you command me as well because you're an ally of my master's. 'Down' opens a gate to another world, 'sing' creates mind-control music-- both of those you can give more specific orders so you don't end up going to a totally random place or being mind-controlled in a random way-- 'speak' lets me speak, 'sit' compels me to sit, 'beg' makes me really want cuddles, 'stay' turns me to stone, 'come' makes me teleport to your side, and 'heel' heals people."

"I don't think we've found everything yet, but that's what we've found." 

"That sounds useful. — I'm a little concerned by the mind control music." 

"It's a little concerning! We found one that makes you stupidly productive and one that feels all nice and floaty and warm and safe and one that makes you miserable." 

"The one that makes you feel all nice and floaty and warm and safe comes in two versions, one that's just nice and floaty and one that's nice and floaty and also makes you want to do some specific thing I'm telling you to do. I used the second one to help Sasha go to sleep."

"I'm kind of concerned about it too, but — he can't use it unless I tell him to." 

"Mmm." He reaches up to take Sasha's hand. "Still kind of concerned but I trust you." 

"Also, I have to obey all your orders and my guiding directive is to promote your wellbeing and flourishing and help you achieve your goals." He scratches his ear with a paw again.