“Yeah, he struck me as a little too. Really hot, but he kinda had some negative vibes, you know?”

“He’ll hopefully refrain from being ‘a little’ over pancakes! Or waffles! Or other quickbreads, in their infinite splendor.”

“You’re still so cute! - I’m gonna make us pants, and then I’m totally gonna dress us both because that sounds hot, and then we’re gonna go pester Bradley and figure out his tragic backstory and have adventures! And we can, like, stop by Jamie’s room on the way! And it’ll be great.”

“I mean, some people are just naturally whatever-his-thing is - and that does sound attractive -“

They eventually do make it out of their room - with Zeke walking with one arm slung around Caden’s shoulders, having decided that such is almost as fun as carrying him, and ever so much more practical when dealing with doors - and make their way over to the room labeled ‘Jamie, Alexander’.

Where the two above-named parties seem to be having loud hate sex! 

“My lovely,” they can hear, through the door, “you really must keep still, unless you want this to take even longer -“

”I am going to murder you and your stupid face -“

”Oh, but then how would you see it bobbing up and down on your cock, like you so adored earlier?”

”Fuck you -“

”No, lovely, I believe it’s currently quite the other way around - although I will be willing to experiment, should you learn your place -“

”Oh god can’t we just get this over with so I can strangle you -“

”My lovely, we’ve both already climaxed a dozen times, I hardly see how another dozen will hurt.”

”Prick.”

”You do seem to like that feature of mine, don’t you? What was it that you were saying earlier, ‘harder, faster, please’ - I might call you an asshole, in the same line, you really are quite ill tempered -“

”Would you shut up -“

”Gladly, if you would only tolerate the gag -“

... they’re just going to. Walk away from the door.

”Uh.”

“I’m, um, starting to get a sense of why mate-magic thought that they might be compatible.”

“Yeah. Never speak of it again, approach them later to see if they wanna go to lunch together?.

“Yup.”

They approach a room labeled ‘Bradley, Trevor’. They knock on it. It opens.

”Hey, bitches. Miss me?”

Caden feels like ‘not particularly’ would be an innapropriate response.

”Yup! Would you like to acquire breakfast?”

“- oh, hey, bros!” says Trevor, poking his head out of the bathroom. “Are you gonna go get food, I wanna come.”

“- Trevor, get back in the shower, we’re going to eat in five minutes and I’m gonna fuck these two in the meanwhile, ‘kay?”

“Sure, bro, have fun.”

Back into the shower he gets.

They can’t fit in very much fun, over the course of five minutes, but they can manage a fair deal. Bradley never actually answers the question of whether he’d like to acquire breakfast, but he does in fact seem to want to.

They set off.

Zeke fills up the entirety of the - admittedly short - walk, rambling on excitedly about past escapades!

Caden is not surprised. This is very Zeke-ish behavior. 

They find a booth - because apparently this is the sort of cafe that has booths, for whatever reason - and are given menus by a waiter. The menus are very thick, and seem to aspire to the sort of ridiculous culinary diversity and quality that lofty restaurants envy. There are no prices; a little note in the front says that it’s ‘all you can eat, for all individuals who can verify their status as a member of Allspice Hall’.

“The pretense of this being a college is getting thinner by the minute.”

“More like an institute of indoctrination. If the fucking government thinks it can get me to lick its balls by offering buffets and nifty class schedules, it can go have sex with a cactus. I’m gonna spend four years here, fucking hot guys and collecting a harem, and then I’m still gonna still think that the Empire is a load of shit.”

“I dunno, bro, this is a really nice buffet. And my schedule’s just Individual Dance, Group Dance, Lineball, Cocktail mixing, and Networking. I’ll totes lick the government’s balls.”

“Oh, you play lineball?”

“Man, everyone plays lineball. - well, no, but like two thirds of the guys and a sixth of the girls, on campus? Not your sort of thing, no offense, but it’s popular as fuck.”

“... Um, do you know why so many people play it? And why there’s such a gender skew?”

“It’s fun and you get to fuck people during actual games, if you’re doing vampire-regulation, and why wouldn’t you? You don’t have to be switchy, like with a lot of other fucky sports? People’ll call you a pussy if you don’t? - I think that girls are, like, on average less interested, some mix of averaging subbier and averaging less sporty.”

“- it seems like it’s prudent to mention - I, um, finangled it so that I’d ‘volunteer’ during practices and games and have that be one of my classes, since that way I could stay with Zeke?”

"I'm going to comment on that later."