"I have to drink from the vein or a bag, it has to be pressurized, I can't swallow. And I still don't want anything from the bar, I fed recently."

"I'd find a way to make room, this stuff is delicious, but if you're watching your weight I won't push. Can't swallow, huh. Interesting. I'm not going to make any crude jokes about that, because I happen to be a gentleman. Well, actually that's a filthy lie, but implying a crude joke is pretty much the same as actually making it for my purposes."

"Dating a breather. Very interesting. I grew out of that a while back."

"A breather? You don't breathe? My family says bleeder, because they're racist..."

"We don't breathe, no. I suppose you could call it racist. But, you know, vampires being immortal and all, it's not the greatest idea to date food."

"My kind of vampire isn't immortal."

"Sorry about it. I suppose I won't be dating you, then. Or, I don't know, whatever male relative looks most like you. Wouldn't happen to have a brother, I suppose?"

"Ah well. I'll find some nice monster who can tolerate my neurotic ways eventually. Anyway, you never answered my question, what's your species like? You drink blood, you breathe, you're mortal, you have families, you date food. Any fascinating quirks? Repelled by holy objects? Turning into bats? Kill people with sex? My kind have a party trick I can demonstrate if you like, it's great fun."

"...I turn into a bat," she says. "Why would we be repelled by holy objects...? I'm not sure I want to see a demonstration of any unexpected trick that belongs on a list near 'kill people with sex'."

"Huh, you actually do turn into a bat. Weird, that's one of the more inhuman Black Court tricks, I'd expect you to be on the vanilla end of the spectrum. And most vampires are actually repelled by holy objects. Supposedly we're repellant in the eyes of Whoever, and Whoever lets us know it. And the party trick is nothing like the sex thing. Really, you could call it the opposite of that."

"I go to temple routinely," she says. "And pass missionaries on the street with, you know, normal amounts of annoyance. What is the trick, then?"

"Religious vampires. Something new every day. Anyway, the trick..." He stands from the barstool and grabs the top of his head. In one fluid motion, he rips off his skin and stands before her, a slimy red bat-thing with an enormous dripping tongue. And a stupid grin on his face. "Abracadabra!"

"Eugh," says Leekath.

He giggles and sits back down. Skin begins stretching over him, starting from the tips of his fingers and toes. "I love that. It's gross as hell, but watching people make faces at it is hilarious."

"I have no idea why the ambient translation magic thinks we're both 'vampires'."

"Eh. 'Vampire' is a pretty broad term, back home. Really it just means 'human-shaped thing that kills humans for their delicious essence and isn't a faerie'."

"I don't kill people, humans taste terrible, and fairies don't drink blood at all."

"Huh. Well, parasitizes, then, I'm pretty sure we don't have to kill people but not much point in letting them live and tell their human friends about the big scary monsters. If you don't eat humans, what do you eat? Don't tell me it's animals, that's disgusting. And our definition of 'faerie' is even broader than the one for 'vampires', I'm pretty sure half the species on the planet are different kinds of fucking faeries. That's why I carry a bag of iron filings under my skin, gets rid of them very nicely. Those fuckers."

"...Neat trick, there. Both the peripheral vision for the napkin and the fact that you eat fucking dragons. That is not something I would like to attempt any time soon."

"With the dragons' permission," Leekath emphasizes. "It's against my religion to bite people without permission. And I wasn't using peripheral vision, I can hear objects talking about themselves. That's how I was sure there was an ambient translation effect. The napkins look to me like they're in Leraal, but they say they aren't in anything in particular."

"I'm just going to come out and say it. As a vampire of the proper, soulless variety, your religion is hilarious. You're so neighborly! Also, again, neat trick."