"I don't know why it's not your first priority. What happens if your vampires watch you at home?"

" - alright, so, I know the word 'scrying' from books - I don't even remember whether I actually just know it from fantasy novels. I've never run into a real person who could do it. It's the sort of thing that it wouldn't surprise me if a person could do it, but it's not easy, and it's certainly not common. When I worry about people spying on me, I worry about them hacking my computer or sneaking into my room and planting cameras. - Vampires can't do that, by the way, they can't enter houses uninvited. I'm not worried about magical scrying because I don't know that anyone even has scrying powers, so it hasn't occurred to me to look for a counter. I can, though, if it bothers you."

"Where I'm from about one person in every twelve could just watch and listen to everything happening in any unwarded place. But I never heard of this place so maybe they can't see here. I guess if magical scrying's out of the picture a bedroom just needs to be soundproof and opaque. Why can't vampires come inside uninvited?"

"It's a magic thing, they can't enter permanent residences. They can burn the house down, technically, but if they do we'll leave the house and beat them up, so I don't feel like they think this is a great Friday night activity."

"Do you want your house to be burnable for some reason? Because if I'm going to be sleeping in it I won't charge to fireproof it."

" - that actually totally makes sense, fireproof the house, that makes us all significantly safer."

"This will take a little longer than doing you, I need to see where all the walls are. And I don't know if it might conflict with some other ward you've already got in place - how are you doing climate control in here?"

"The climate control is nonmagical, we have like a - I actually don't know the specifics, someone else came and installed it. We do have a secondary ward on the house that interferes with violence enacted by nonhuman sapients. If you need to see all of the walls then we should go down and meet my sister and niece and nephew and Wishbone, we kind of have to get that out of the way at some point."

"Yeah, that does sound important." Oh no, more people who could object to him being in their home and decide to kick him out.

"It'll be OK," she says, and hugs him again, and then leads him downstairs.

Downstairs is decorated with various Christmas-themed things - there's a fake tree in the corner that's been decorated with glass icicles and tiny churches and angels and nutcrackers and a series of Star Trek characters, a nativity set made of sturdy wooden blocks that are safe for a toddler to handle, and a caroling soundtrack playing quietly in the background. There's a dog sitting on the sofa with a book open in front of him. 

He's just going to stare at the tree forever.

Awwww.

"Azalea!" she calls, before actually making it to the kitchen. The kitchen smells of cookies and peppermint candy. "I found this framling named Valanda in this inter-dimensional bar that used to be in my closet, but isn't anymore, and we couldn't figure out a way to send her home, so she's staying for Christmas and then until we can figure out how to get her back. - this is a real summary of a real situation and not an absurdist skit."

Azalea stops frosting cookies.

"Your life is weird. I just want you to know that. If you were a fantasy protagonist, and we lined you up next to all the other fantasy protagonists, your life would still be weird."

"Totally agree."

"I'm not very clear on which things you're expected to pay for here, will it cost me to have you call me 'him' instead?"

" - oh gosh, are you a guy? I'm sorry! I really shouldn't guess about alien people even when I think I know, I'm just so bad about remembering."

Yes. He's alien. That's clearly why he doesn't look like he should.

"Oh, it's okay, I get that sometimes even at home. Anyway, hi Azalea, you can let me know if you need wards done while I'm here, I was a working defense mage for a couple months."

"All right! I have only the vaguest idea what that means, but we have more than enough cookies. They are free. Karen, I remind you that we have zero free bedrooms."

"He's gonna take the basement, I can set it up for him. The cookies are good, you should try them. If you want."

He tries one. It's not the least edible thing he's ever had in his mouth so he'll finish it. "Thank you for the food. What's it made of?"

She shuffles some papers around for her recipe. "Uh - eggs, all-purpose flour, granulated sugar, butter, salt, vanilla and almond extracts, baking powder. I think calling it food is a little generous. At risk of becoming my mother, I think I have to insist that we get something other than dessert into you at some point. D'they feed you, on your planet?"

"On my planet you do a job, then you get paid, then you take the money to the market and buy something. I usually get nuts or peaches. I've never heard of butter or baking powder or all-purpose flour."

"You poor soul. That's how it works here, too, although I don't think you can live very well off of just nuts and peaches. Eat a turkey sandwich. Unless you're a cultural vegetarian, then eat, uh - Karen eats peanut butter and banana and honey sandwiches a lot, I can make you one of those?"

"There are humans here who aren't omnivores? I can eat meat, it's just expensive compared to fruit."

"Everyone can eat meat. Well, I guess probably some people have medical conditions that mean they can't, but almost everyone. It's just some people have ethical objections to killing and eating animals. - he's never heard of ethics, he's from one of the planets that's like that."