It is hard for Lev to put into words exactly how sickening and horrible the thought of hurting Sasha is, so instead he buries his face in Sasha's shoulder and says, "I really really don't want to hurt you." He kisses Sasha's cheek.

Should he say this? Well. Better get all the emotional vulnerability over with at once. 

"I want to take all six months of my vacation leave at once and I want to spend all day in bed with you cuddling and watching movies and reading books and I want to take you to every museum you want to go to all around the world and if you still like me afterward I want to get married and at some point in there I want to try to give you lots of orgasms. That's what I want."

"You're the best decision I've ever made." He pulls back just barely enough to kiss him. "That sounds perfect. And at some point I want to try giving you lots of orgasms too." 

"Do you have to."

"I'm not invested in it being soon, and if it never happens that's fine. But I'd like to." 

"No, wait, that's not fair! You can't just go around saying things would make you happy! Then I have to do them! That's cheating!"

(He's smiling.)

"You make me happy." 

(--it's fake, it's fake, he's lying-- why would anyone be happy to be with you-- but it's so nice to pretend)

"You make me happy!"

He's so!! Good!! 

Sasha leans down and kisses him. 

Kissing Sasha is amazing!

But after a few minutes, with some regret, he says, "if I'm going to take the next six months off I need to tell people that I'm going to do that."

He kisses him one more time and gets up. "We should go back to one of our rooms anyway." 

"We should. I'll meet you in your room in a bit?"

"Mhmm!" 

He takes the book he'd brought down (along with two others) with him. 

Lev sends an email to Claire saying that he is, in fact, going to take six months of vacation, and telling her where's he's at on various projects so other people can take over. He tells the head of the Aarons Foundation that he trusts them and his employees can make any grants which seem basically reasonable as long as they aren't about psychedelic decriminalization. 

He doesn't go to bed with Sasha. He opens a new document so he can think. 

Evidence that Sasha is lying: it's what you'd expect to be true, if you're paying someone to be your romantic partner. Sasha has not said or done anything blatantly inconsistent with this hypothesis: you'd expect him to say that Lev makes him happy once he knew how important it was to Lev. Lev had a panic attack in front of him and has cried in front of him twice even though they haven't even known each other for two days; Sasha wanted sex (maybe?) and he had to deal with Lev panicking instead. Lev is sad and desperate and needy and all of that is unattractive.  

Evidence that Sasha is not lying: He sounds sincere. Wishful thinking. 

He drafts an email to his broker telling him to put ten million dollars in an account in Sasha's name. He deletes it. 

If he gives Sasha ten million dollars, he'll know for sure. But then Sasha will leave.

He's not... doing harm to Sasha, he doesn't think. Sasha prefers what they're doing to his other available options. He might like it better if Lev gave him ten million dollars and fucked off, but it's not a harm to Sasha to only offer the trade he's willing to make. 

Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back but is pretending to love you is going to be emotionally harrowing, Lev can feel it. But his bed feels too large and empty when he thinks about Sasha not being in it. He wants-- he wants cuddles, he wants sex, he wants a romantic vacation, he wants to watch all Sasha's favorite movies, he wants to hold him while he cries, he wants to buy someone ridiculous presents, he wants to celebrate holidays together, he wants to be able to love someone. And the thought of doing all that with someone who isn't Sasha feels like a knife in the gut. 

He redrafts the email to his broker. He sends it. 

Six months. He can have six months, and then he'll tell Sasha that Sasha's rich now, and then Sasha will leave, and then he'll always know what it was like to love someone. 

He makes a nest out of pillows and blankets and curls up in it and reads and waits for Lev. 

....Lev is taking kind of a while. Sasha gets up and makes himself hot chocolate, writes down a list of things he wants to bake now that he has the chance  — hamentaschen, lemon bars, sugar cookies — and sub-lists of ingredients they might not have; he'll check the main kitchen tomorrow. Gets through another chapter of the book. Looks up nearby grocery stores, then opens a private window and does some research on sex toys, because trying to find hookups while Lev is right there just sounds depressing. 

"Sorry that took a while," Lev says.

"It's fine! — I'm halfway through a list of what I want to make now that I can, are there any particular baked goods you haven't had in a while?" 

"Mm. Chocolate cake."

He writes that down, with a note that says "you will be tempted to make it from scratch; resist this temptation" in the margin, and then pulls Lev onto the bed with him.  

"I want to make out with you for like two hours."

"Good." Kissing him's a good start. 

It really is!

His hands find Sasha's hair.

He makes the same breathy whimpery sound he'd been making before and puts his own hands in Lev's hair.

Oh that's a good sound.

Lev pulls Sasha's hair.

His hands twist involuntarily in Lev's hair, and he arches forward and tips his head back and hisses through his teeth. "Lev — please bite me —" 

He bites Sasha's shoulder hard. 

"I like this-- like hurting you--"