This post's authors have general content warnings that might apply to the current post.
View Flat HTML
View Metadata
Search Post
Mortimer Halliwell, warlock extraordinaire and small-time crook, is having a remarkably bad day. First he runs out of the good coffee and has to use Folgers. Then the demon he summons to rob a bank for him only speaks Egyptian, which is hell on his throat. Then the demon gets discorporated and tracked back to his lair/duplex, the door of which is currently being battered down by some cheerful blonde madman.
He needs to summon another demon, and he needs to do it fast. He whips out the Black Book, flips desperately through its pages, and arranges the offerings around the iron circle set into the floor of his basement. A phonebook, a pile of dust, a miniature casket, a oh my god he got in screw it he'll do it without the rest!
He forces an immense amount of energy through his body into the summoning. The dust whirls into the air. He screams as his skin crackles and snaps with static. "I summon thee! I summon thee! I summon thee, K-Kh-"
It is possibly the most regrettable sneeze in Mortimer Halliwell's life.
There is a plume of red flame, and there is someone in his circle.
ending-of
"Hmm."
She looks contemplatively at the pixie dust.
Now there is no more pixie dust in the room.
She looks contemplatively at the pixie dust.
Now there is no more pixie dust in the room.
bitterchill
"Well, either way, I am eternally grateful for your services in helping me not have to stick my hands in a bucket of iron filings or spend the next two weeks scrubbing myself in purified water. Anyway, back on topic, are there any problems you can think of that would result from you... incorporating the soulless creatures into your afterlife?"
ending-of
"I can't think of any. But it's possible we have different ideas of what constitutes a problem."
bitterchill
"Would anything become upset about it in this universe? Would the disruption of the natural cycle lead to some kind of energy drain away from our world? Would the fabric of reality split open and let in an unending sea of horrible monsters? That sort of thing."
ending-of
"I do not anticipate any of those things. I can't predict who will or will not become upset, but I am reasonably certain neither the energy drain nor the unending sea of horrible monsters is a possible consequence."
bitterchill
"I guess... is there anything in this universe as powerful, or almost as powerful, as you are? Because if not, then them getting upset doesn't seem to matter much."
bitterchill
"Do you... have any way of contacting this entity? And asking if you can put the soulless into your afterlife? Because this sounds like it could turn into a death god deathmatch without much advance notice."
ending-of
"I'm not sure," she says contemplatively. "I would like to avoid conflict if possible, but if I contact the entity and it denies permission, what is gained?"
bitterchill
"Point," Ari concedes. "But if it has some way of telling that the soulless are going to your afterlife and it wants to smite you for heresy or something, I feel like that'd be bad."
ending-of
"It would be very annoying. Although it is strictly impossible to destroy me, I would not enjoy the attempt. Hmm. Of course, I also do not know how to contact that entity. I am disinclined to directly visit its domain."
bitterchill
"You could... huh. You could just appear a little engraved invitation to visit you in Morty's basement in front of it?"
bitterchill
"It could appear little engraved notes of its own at you! Postcards from Heaven. Sounds like a terrible indie movie."
ending-of
The administrator laughs.
"Practical difficulties remain, however. I don't know precisely where an invitation would need to appear for the entity's attention to be particularly drawn to it."
"Practical difficulties remain, however. I don't know precisely where an invitation would need to appear for the entity's attention to be particularly drawn to it."
bitterchill
"Drat. I could... try to scry it, I guess? Although scrying what may be God seems like kind of a bad move. Hubristic."
ending-of
"We do have a reasonable purpose in doing so. Although if you fear retaliation, I could make it strictly impossible to destroy you."
bitterchill
"That sounds like it could be useful or very, very inconvenient! How would that work, exactly?"
ending-of
"Under conditions where you might otherwise be destroyed, you would be restored to a state of perfect health."
bitterchill
"That sounds like the very, very useful kind!"
Over in his corner, Morty thrashes about in terror at the idea of an indestructible blonde madman who could sacrifice himself three times for the same spell! He is summarily ignored.
ending-of
Well, not quite.
"The annoying man seems distressed about this," the administrator observes.
"The annoying man seems distressed about this," the administrator observes.