Mortimer Halliwell, warlock extraordinaire and small-time crook, is having a remarkably bad day. First he runs out of the good coffee and has to use Folgers. Then the demon he summons to rob a bank for him only speaks Egyptian, which is hell on his throat. Then the demon gets discorporated and tracked back to his lair/duplex, the door of which is currently being battered down by some cheerful blonde madman.
He needs to summon another demon, and he needs to do it fast. He whips out the Black Book, flips desperately through its pages, and arranges the offerings around the iron circle set into the floor of his basement. A phonebook, a pile of dust, a miniature casket, a oh my god he got in screw it he'll do it without the rest!
He forces an immense amount of energy through his body into the summoning. The dust whirls into the air. He screams as his skin crackles and snaps with static. "I summon thee! I summon thee! I summon thee, K-Kh-"
It is possibly the most regrettable sneeze in Mortimer Halliwell's life.
There is a plume of red flame, and there is someone in his circle.
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aesthetically displeasing
the keeper
ending-of
She was sitting in an armchair when he summoned her; a bare instant later she is sitting in an armchair again. It is plush and comfortable-looking, upholstered in dark green velvet.
"This is extremely irritating," she observes calmly. "I am extremely irritated."
"This is extremely irritating," she observes calmly. "I am extremely irritated."
"I-I-I-"
Mortimer controls his natural instinct to stutter and flee. He is the summoner! He is in control! That is definitely not the three-horned demon Khadarosh, but he is still in control!
"I command you to go upstairs and slay the man who has entered my home!" This is accompanied by what Mortimer endearingly believes to be a spear-thrust of implacable will.
Mortimer controls his natural instinct to stutter and flee. He is the summoner! He is in control! That is definitely not the three-horned demon Khadarosh, but he is still in control!
"I command you to go upstairs and slay the man who has entered my home!" This is accompanied by what Mortimer endearingly believes to be a spear-thrust of implacable will.
the keeper
ending-of
"I am disinclined to fulfill your request," says definitely not the three-horned demon Khadarosh.
"Um."
Mortimer prods her a few more times with the spear of his implacable will. It should... hurt? Probably? He thinks?
the keeper
ending-of
"Stop that. It's annoying."
Mortimer would like to phone a friend.
No friends are available, but there are a few loud crashing sounds coming from upstairs. Accompanied by hearty laughter, presumably from the blonde maniac. He twitches. "Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Could you... please destroy the man upstairs? He's making an awful mess. And I think he wants to kill me."
the keeper
ending-of
"It's true, he is behaving untidily," she says. "But he has done fewer annoying things to me than you have. Perhaps I will wait for him to arrive, and find out exactly what he is trying to do."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Ooh, voices!" shouts the man upstairs. "That would imply trapdoor, which would... be... located... here!" There is a loud SLAM, and the trapdoor falls from the ceiling of the basment to the floor. In hops the aforementioned blonde maniac. He smiles winningly. "Sorry for the fuss, ma'am. Was he... holding you captive or something?" His brow furrows at the circle, which shouldn't be able to contain a human.
"I wasn't!" whines Mortimer. "I summoned her! She's a demon!"
"You're just making things worse for yourself, Morty."
"I wasn't!" whines Mortimer. "I summoned her! She's a demon!"
"You're just making things worse for yourself, Morty."
the keeper
ending-of
"I am not a demon," says the woman in the very nice armchair in the circle. "He did summon me. I am annoyed about it."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"I'd like to let you out, ma'am, but the fact that he summoned you means that you definitely aren't human, which means that you might be dangerous, which means that I'm going to leave you in the circle until I know otherwise. Sorry for the trouble, I like Vancouver unflattened. It would help if you told me what or who you actually are, though I'll be suspicious if you say you're from the local kitten rescue."
"She's a demon! A horribly powerful demon! She barely noticed the spear-thrust of my indomitable will!"
Ari shudders. "I just ate, Morty."
"She's a demon! A horribly powerful demon! She barely noticed the spear-thrust of my indomitable will!"
Ari shudders. "I just ate, Morty."
the keeper
ending-of
"I don't think this circle restrains me meaningfully," she says. "But I don't particularly object to staying in it for the time being. I am the administrator of an afterlife to which this world is not currently linked."
The question of whether or not she's human is definitely debatable, but she isn't very interested in it, so she doesn't bring that up.
The question of whether or not she's human is definitely debatable, but she isn't very interested in it, so she doesn't bring that up.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
There may be some kind of death goddess in Mortimer Halliwell's basement. Ari has a new priority in this situation, and its name is damage control.
Ari makes a brutally efficient gesture with his feet, and Mortimer is swallowed up to his waist in the bedrock. He opens his mouth to complain, but it's shut and covered by a flying strip of clay, which rapidly bakes itself solid.
He takes a folding chair off the wall and sits opposite the administrator, his face neutral. "What do you mean by... "admistrator"? Is this related to the fact that you aren't meaningfully restrained by this circle?"
the keeper
ending-of
"I am the administrator of my domain. I prefer to let its inhabitants deal with their own problems as much as possible, but I arranged the rules by which people and objects are distributed into it, and other things such as its basic physical structure and the very convenient rule that inhibits the accumulation of dust on surfaces. The incompleteness of this world's afterlife annoys me, and I believe I would like to do something about it. I dislike impermanence."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
The death goddess wants to do things. This... may be disastrous. Though she seems more finicky than apocalyptic. Anti-dust rules? Really?
"So, you have as much power here as you do in your own domain? And our afterlife is "incomplete" how? For that matter: we have an afterlife?"
"So, you have as much power here as you do in your own domain? And our afterlife is "incomplete" how? For that matter: we have an afterlife?"
the keeper
ending-of
"You have an afterlife, but it collects only a subset of the aware life of this world, and it seems even those may be permanently destroyed under the right conditions. I am not pleased about that. I lack the kind of direct control here that I would have in my own domain, but I am still able to do some things, such as instantiate physical objects." She gestures at the chair she is sitting in.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
It sounds like she's talking about... souls? That makes sense. It seems pretty harmless to collect the soulless beings into some kind of afterlife. Unless it'd piss off somebody who runs the afterlife for the ensouled. God, maybe? Hel? Zoroaster?
"So you want to make your domain the place where good little sidhe go when they die?" he clarifies.
"So you want to make your domain the place where good little sidhe go when they die?" he clarifies.
the keeper
ending-of
"If sidhe are a form of aware life that does not currently go anywhere when they die, then yes."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Yeah, I think that's what you're talking about. Can you tell by looking where, say, I would go? Or Mortimer, over there in the sinkhole? Because I'd like to be sure of what you're proposing."
the keeper
ending-of
"You both belong to the category for whom an afterlife already exists."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari claps his hands together. He's kind of excited! It isn't every day you go after a minor-league demon summoner and end up chatting with a death goddess in his basement. "Good, good. I'd like to perform another test; could you step out of the circle? It's become pretty clear that it doesn't matter whether you're in or out."
the keeper
ending-of
She eyes the circle in mild irritation for a moment, and then stands up and walks out of the circle and instantiates another armchair and sits in it.
"Was that very informative?"
"Was that very informative?"
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"No, I just wanted to use the circle. Though it was good to know." He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bag of sliced bread and a tiny plastic bear of fake honey. He applies the honey liberally to the bread, pushes the chair to the edge of the circle, and places the bread in front of it. Then he cups his hands around his mouth and whispers a name three times, too low for Morty to hear but possibly audible to the administrator.
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator watches in mild curiosity.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
About fifteen seconds pass, then there's a faint sound of whistling wind. It grows and grows, until there is an abrupt shower of sparkly powder and a winged creature about a foot long appears, its face sharp but beautiful. "Aaah! Human! Human!! What do you want? What do you want?!"
"I want to give you this delicious honeyed bread," explains Ari.
"Why?! Why do you want to give me the delicious bread? Is it poison? IS IT?!" screams the faerie in a shrill voice.
"No. It is delicious. Eat the bread."
The creature's wings hum in the air as it weighs its options. Then it dives towards the delicious bread and tears into it like a starving vulture into a week-old gazelle carcass. It is a grisly sight.
Ari turns to the administrator. "Could you tell me if this sprite will go to an afterlife when it dies?" Before the sprite can begin screaming, he repeats, "The bread is not poisoned. It is delicious. Delicious things are not poison things." The fairy acknowledges his logic with a birdlike nod and returns to its gruesome meal.
"I want to give you this delicious honeyed bread," explains Ari.
"Why?! Why do you want to give me the delicious bread? Is it poison? IS IT?!" screams the faerie in a shrill voice.
"No. It is delicious. Eat the bread."
The creature's wings hum in the air as it weighs its options. Then it dives towards the delicious bread and tears into it like a starving vulture into a week-old gazelle carcass. It is a grisly sight.
Ari turns to the administrator. "Could you tell me if this sprite will go to an afterlife when it dies?" Before the sprite can begin screaming, he repeats, "The bread is not poisoned. It is delicious. Delicious things are not poison things." The fairy acknowledges his logic with a birdlike nod and returns to its gruesome meal.
the keeper
ending-of
...
"This creature belongs to one of the categories for which no afterlife currently exists."
"This creature belongs to one of the categories for which no afterlife currently exists."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
That looks like a confirmation to Ari! And he's glad he could make the administrator smile, she seems nice and it looks like she doesn't get much laughter in her life. He wonders briefly if she'd like daytime TV. He decides she probably wouldn't. It's untidy.
He lets the sprite finish the interior of the bread, leaving behind the crust, then nods to it and releases it back to the Nevernever. He picks up the crust gingerly (it's soaked with glitter) and places it far enough away from the chair that he can safely light it on fire. "So, it looks like what we're working with here are souls," he says, once the bread is a pile of sparkly ash. "You wanted to bring the creatures who don't get an afterlife to exist in your realm when they died, you said?" He flicks his fingers in an impotent effort to remove the glitter. Pixie dust is even worse than craft glitter. He curses his luck.
He lets the sprite finish the interior of the bread, leaving behind the crust, then nods to it and releases it back to the Nevernever. He picks up the crust gingerly (it's soaked with glitter) and places it far enough away from the chair that he can safely light it on fire. "So, it looks like what we're working with here are souls," he says, once the bread is a pile of sparkly ash. "You wanted to bring the creatures who don't get an afterlife to exist in your realm when they died, you said?" He flicks his fingers in an impotent effort to remove the glitter. Pixie dust is even worse than craft glitter. He curses his luck.
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes. Is that substance distressing you?"
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
He attempts to rub his fingers together and get rid of it that way. He fails. "Yeah. Pixie dust is like magic herpes, easy to get and impossible to get rid of. At least I'm not allergic."
the keeper
ending-of
"Hmm."
She looks contemplatively at the pixie dust.
Now there is no more pixie dust in the room.
She looks contemplatively at the pixie dust.
Now there is no more pixie dust in the room.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"You really are omnipotent. I am so tempted to worship you right now."
the keeper
ending-of
"That would be unnecessary."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Well, either way, I am eternally grateful for your services in helping me not have to stick my hands in a bucket of iron filings or spend the next two weeks scrubbing myself in purified water. Anyway, back on topic, are there any problems you can think of that would result from you... incorporating the soulless creatures into your afterlife?"
the keeper
ending-of
"I can't think of any. But it's possible we have different ideas of what constitutes a problem."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Would anything become upset about it in this universe? Would the disruption of the natural cycle lead to some kind of energy drain away from our world? Would the fabric of reality split open and let in an unending sea of horrible monsters? That sort of thing."
the keeper
ending-of
"I do not anticipate any of those things. I can't predict who will or will not become upset, but I am reasonably certain neither the energy drain nor the unending sea of horrible monsters is a possible consequence."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"I guess... is there anything in this universe as powerful, or almost as powerful, as you are? Because if not, then them getting upset doesn't seem to matter much."
the keeper
ending-of
"The current afterlife has a curator."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"And it's as powerful as you are?
the keeper
ending-of
"Approximately."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Do you... have any way of contacting this entity? And asking if you can put the soulless into your afterlife? Because this sounds like it could turn into a death god deathmatch without much advance notice."
the keeper
ending-of
"I'm not sure," she says contemplatively. "I would like to avoid conflict if possible, but if I contact the entity and it denies permission, what is gained?"
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Point," Ari concedes. "But if it has some way of telling that the soulless are going to your afterlife and it wants to smite you for heresy or something, I feel like that'd be bad."
the keeper
ending-of
"It would be very annoying. Although it is strictly impossible to destroy me, I would not enjoy the attempt. Hmm. Of course, I also do not know how to contact that entity. I am disinclined to directly visit its domain."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"You could... huh. You could just appear a little engraved invitation to visit you in Morty's basement in front of it?"
the keeper
ending-of
"The notion has a certain whimsical appeal..."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"It could appear little engraved notes of its own at you! Postcards from Heaven. Sounds like a terrible indie movie."
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator laughs.
"Practical difficulties remain, however. I don't know precisely where an invitation would need to appear for the entity's attention to be particularly drawn to it."
"Practical difficulties remain, however. I don't know precisely where an invitation would need to appear for the entity's attention to be particularly drawn to it."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Drat. I could... try to scry it, I guess? Although scrying what may be God seems like kind of a bad move. Hubristic."
the keeper
ending-of
"We do have a reasonable purpose in doing so. Although if you fear retaliation, I could make it strictly impossible to destroy you."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"That sounds like it could be useful or very, very inconvenient! How would that work, exactly?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Under conditions where you might otherwise be destroyed, you would be restored to a state of perfect health."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"That sounds like the very, very useful kind!"
Over in his corner, Morty thrashes about in terror at the idea of an indestructible blonde madman who could sacrifice himself three times for the same spell! He is summarily ignored.
the keeper
ending-of
Well, not quite.
"The annoying man seems distressed about this," the administrator observes.
"The annoying man seems distressed about this," the administrator observes.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"That'd be because it'd be very, very useful for me. He doesn't like me much, I always keep him from doing crimes and such. If I could regenerate myself, I would be... absurdly powerful, because I could sacrifice myself to power spells and stuff. Which would be bad for him."
Morty nods frantically. He points at his gag.
Ari sighs. "Do you want his side of it, or should we just ignore the annoying criminal?"
Morty nods frantically. He points at his gag.
Ari sighs. "Do you want his side of it, or should we just ignore the annoying criminal?"
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator contemplates the annoying criminal.
"I don't see very much use in listening to him. He is annoying and has strange priorities."
"I don't see very much use in listening to him. He is annoying and has strange priorities."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
The annoying criminal is distressed!
Ari is not distressed! "I'm glad! Not sure what you mean about his priorities, but he certainly is annoying. So, how soon can you do this, does it take the heart of a virgin cow under the blood moon or something?"
Ari is not distressed! "I'm glad! Not sure what you mean about his priorities, but he certainly is annoying. So, how soon can you do this, does it take the heart of a virgin cow under the blood moon or something?"
the keeper
ending-of
"No," she says. "That sounds like a tedious precondition. To do a thing, I merely do it. Do you want your magical tattoos to be preserved through restoration? Tattoos normally aren't, but these ones have magical properties, so perhaps you would like to keep them."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Oh hey, those are magic? Clever, Belinda. I'd probably like them preserved, yeah. Is there a way for you to tell what they do?"
the keeper
ending-of
"One effect is cold resistance. I'm less sure about the rest."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"...Huh. That is a very unorthodox use of that rune, if it's- oh that one's upside down, that's clever. Man, she knew what she was doing. That makes sense. And the rest I've narrowed down to "probably something about beauty" but that might be a false positive. Anyway, I'll apparently have eternity to figure it out."
the keeper
ending-of
"I have now made you impossible to destroy," she says.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari does a small dance.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"So, I guess I can scry Maybe God to see where you should send your engraved note now, if that's what we're doing. Now that I'm officially certified unsmitable."
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes, I believe that is the plan."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari begins constructing a spell diagram for a very, very powerful scry. It has ten circles for offerings, plus one for him to stand. He fills in the runework in Hebrew, in which he is fairly competent, because it seems appropriate. He usually sticks to a proto-Germanic fae tradition, but if he might be going after the God of Abraham, he's hiding behind his theoretical status as one of His chosen people as much as he can.
He calls up a fairly large receptacle in each circle that isn't Da'at and turns to the administrator. "If it turns out I am not in fact immortal, I will be very unhappy. I may come back as a ghost to give you disappointed looks."
He calls up a fairly large receptacle in each circle that isn't Da'at and turns to the administrator. "If it turns out I am not in fact immortal, I will be very unhappy. I may come back as a ghost to give you disappointed looks."
the keeper
ending-of
"You are in fact immortal," says the administrator, observing his preparations curiously.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Good," he says. He takes a very sharp knife out of his bag, takes a deep breath, leans over the receptacle for Malkhut, and cuts his own throat.
Over in his corner, Morty makes a muffled noise of horror.
The receptacle fills with blood. Ari's eyes glaze over, then he bursts into flames and returns to life. He looks around, then breaks into an enormous grin and starts cackling for quite some time. He would hug the administrator, if he was sure she wouldn't place him gently in the heart of the sun. Also, if he wasn't covered in blood.
Over in his corner, Morty makes a muffled noise of horror.
The receptacle fills with blood. Ari's eyes glaze over, then he bursts into flames and returns to life. He looks around, then breaks into an enormous grin and starts cackling for quite some time. He would hug the administrator, if he was sure she wouldn't place him gently in the heart of the sun. Also, if he wasn't covered in blood.
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator smiles.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari does another very small dance! Then he makes the rounds of his deeply heretical little diagram, repeatedly bleeding himself into the designated receptacles. This is going to be a very, very powerful scry. It's going to pierce the gates of Heaven.
Once the last circle is filled, Ari steps into Da'at and begins his chant. His eyes stare straight ahead, over the receptacle and in the administrator's general direction (though not directly into her eyes, because if she has a soul he'd really rather not gaze into it). Gradually they turn milky, then begin to glow cyan-blue. It would seem that the scry worked.
Once the last circle is filled, Ari steps into Da'at and begins his chant. His eyes stare straight ahead, over the receptacle and in the administrator's general direction (though not directly into her eyes, because if she has a soul he'd really rather not gaze into it). Gradually they turn milky, then begin to glow cyan-blue. It would seem that the scry worked.
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator watches him curiously. This is an interesting procedure, if messy.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
The glow gradually leaves Ari's eyes. "Don't think She noticed me, but I don't know how I'd tell. Anyway, I could probably send the note through a... really weird Way, I guess? It'd have to be-"
Just as his pupils reappear, his eyes come to rest on the administrator's and he's
falling into them.
This could be bad.
Just as his pupils reappear, his eyes come to rest on the administrator's and he's
falling into them.
This could be bad.
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator's soul is... tidy. Straightforward. Mind-bogglingly immense.
A tall, tall tower marks the center of her domain, an infinite expanse of sky above and ground below, divided into two halves by a straight line of tall, tall cliffs; one half's sky is bright as noon, the other dark as midnight. And every second a vast number of people across seventy-odd universes die, become available to her, and appear in stasis in the infinite catacombs beneath the ground; and an even vaster number of destroyed objects enter an immaterial queue, to be sorted by a clever and intricate set of rules that will eventually cause them to appear in someone's home; and an even vaster number of particles of dust attempt to settle onto some surface or another and are instead quietly deleted from existence.
Nothing in this realm can ever be permanently destroyed. Even the dust could be brought back, enough of it to drown planets, if she found a use for it. She can examine the entire history of each individual particle and instantiate it in whatever configuration she chooses. All of the information representing every person or thing that has ever existed in any universe connected to her domain is constantly available to her.
A tall, tall tower marks the center of her domain, an infinite expanse of sky above and ground below, divided into two halves by a straight line of tall, tall cliffs; one half's sky is bright as noon, the other dark as midnight. And every second a vast number of people across seventy-odd universes die, become available to her, and appear in stasis in the infinite catacombs beneath the ground; and an even vaster number of destroyed objects enter an immaterial queue, to be sorted by a clever and intricate set of rules that will eventually cause them to appear in someone's home; and an even vaster number of particles of dust attempt to settle onto some surface or another and are instead quietly deleted from existence.
Nothing in this realm can ever be permanently destroyed. Even the dust could be brought back, enough of it to drown planets, if she found a use for it. She can examine the entire history of each individual particle and instantiate it in whatever configuration she chooses. All of the information representing every person or thing that has ever existed in any universe connected to her domain is constantly available to her.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari beholds infinity and tries to keep himself from dissolving into it.
He looks away from the sky and the horizon, clasps his hands over his eyes. He counts the lines on his palms, trying not to feel the unimaginable ocean of death and life flowing through himself. Tries not to see the expanse of unending, the absence of an end, the complete and total inability to cease. Knowledge claws at his mind and he opens his mouth to scream and it's-
over. He's on the floor, shaking, his face covered in tears and blood. It seems he may have broken his nose falling onto one of the receptacles. How nice.
the keeper
ending-of
"That was unexpected," says the administrator. It's possible that she sounds slightly concerned.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari cannot be reached right now! He is busy gibbering.
A voice fills his mind. Ice and fire, ice and snow. Fear, but never let it show. Ice and fire, ice and snow. Fear, but never let it show. After a bit of this he starts thinking along with it, not noticing or caring that he's saying it aloud.
A voice fills his mind. Ice and fire, ice and snow. Fear, but never let it show. Ice and fire, ice and snow. Fear, but never let it show. After a bit of this he starts thinking along with it, not noticing or caring that he's saying it aloud.
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator waits.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
After a few minutes of the mnemonic, Ari has calmed himself down enough to be somewhat presentable. His breathing is still shaky, but he thinks he can talk again.
"I. I need to remember not to soulgaze any more gods. Sorry."
"I. I need to remember not to soulgaze any more gods. Sorry."
the keeper
ending-of
"It was interesting. But it seems to have distressed you."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"You're. Big. Your soul, it's really big. I don't think humans are built to see that. I'm glad you had fun."
the keeper
ending-of
"I was human once."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari considers this.
"I could see that," he decides. "But you're a lot more now. You're big."
"I could see that," he decides. "But you're a lot more now. You're big."
the keeper
ending-of
"True. Do you remember what you were doing before you accidentally fell into my soul?"
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Ah- the scrying? Yeah, I think I can get the note to Probably God through a mini-portal. If you looked through the portal, could you make the notes where she is from then on?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Alright. You make the note, I'll make the portal."
He starts chanting in his usual Germanic, but it's a bit more complex than his usual incantations. It demands that a path be opened by his false death, a path to where he should go, held open by his continuing life. At the climax, he bursts into flames. Damn, but this immortality thing is handy.
A rip opens in the air and expands until someone could probably fit their hand inside.
He starts chanting in his usual Germanic, but it's a bit more complex than his usual incantations. It demands that a path be opened by his false death, a path to where he should go, held open by his continuing life. At the climax, he bursts into flames. Damn, but this immortality thing is handy.
A rip opens in the air and expands until someone could probably fit their hand inside.
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator sends a note through it. The note is made of diamond, the words inlaid in obsidian. (Paper is ephemeral.)
Your domain collects only one category of aware life. All the rest, and some unlucky members of that category, can be permanently destroyed. May I have those?
Your domain collects only one category of aware life. All the rest, and some unlucky members of that category, can be permanently destroyed. May I have those?
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
The portal snaps shut after the note goes through, rather as someone might slam a screen door that has blown open.
A note appears, written in clipped ancient Hebrew on slightly glowing lambskin. Please don't open another gate to the afterlife from the mortal world. It upsets the universe. Also, stop making people in this world immortal, it messes up my thermodynamics. What do you want to do with the soulless?
A note appears, written in clipped ancient Hebrew on slightly glowing lambskin. Please don't open another gate to the afterlife from the mortal world. It upsets the universe. Also, stop making people in this world immortal, it messes up my thermodynamics. What do you want to do with the soulless?
the keeper
ending-of
But now that she knows where her note went, it's trivial to create a second one in the same place.
I want to collect them in my domain. I dislike impermanence. This world has too much of it.
I want to collect them in my domain. I dislike impermanence. This world has too much of it.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Is your domain somewhere beyond the Outer Gates? I don't see where you came from. And impermanence is a part of how I made this universe. If high-energy beings continued to exist, it'd degrade the boundary between this world and the Outside. And that boundary keeps out an infinite sea of horrible monsters, which I'd rather not have an infestation of.
the keeper
ending-of
My domain is elsewhere. What I collect in it will not affect this world at all, unless accidentally summoned here in the way I was. The infinite sea of horrible monsters sounds very inconvenient.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
I assume that by "elsewhere" you mean "somewhere beyond the infinite sea"? I did not know there was anything else. If you can collect them without bothering me, why did you bother me about it? The monsters are very inconvenient; a great deal of my power and a substantial portion of my world's construction is devoted to keeping them out.
the keeper
ending-of
I was advised that collecting them without permission might be impolite and cause conflict, which I would rather avoid. Would you like assistance with your monster problem? It's outside my usual area of interest, but a universe being overrun by infinite monsters sounds extremely untidy.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Take them if you want, I don't know how you're going to do it and I don't particularly care. How can you help with the Outsiders? Do you understand the word "infinite"? Because I'm using it very literally.
the keeper
ending-of
"The entity has allowed me to collect this world's permanent dead," she says aloud for Ari's benefit. "I offered to help her deal with her sea of infinite monsters, but she did not seem interested."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"What, really? I guess she's got it under control," says Ari, who has not read the faintly glowing lambskin notes.
the keeper
ending-of
"Not very well under control, I don't think. But she asked me if I understand the word 'infinite', and explaining the extent to which I do would be more effort than I would like to apply to convincing her to let me have a look at her problems."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari tries to parse this.
"That... was probably a rhetorical question. I didn't think God did those. Can I read the notes? And yours, too?"
"That... was probably a rhetorical question. I didn't think God did those. Can I read the notes? And yours, too?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes."
She instantiates a small booklet reproducing their correspondence, and including translations of the Hebrew in case he has difficulty reading it.
She instantiates a small booklet reproducing their correspondence, and including translations of the Hebrew in case he has difficulty reading it.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Thanks." Ari flips through the booklet.
"...Man, God sure is ornery. This is kind of theologically weird. I can talk to her as an intermediary if you'd rather not deal with her?"
"...Man, God sure is ornery. This is kind of theologically weird. I can talk to her as an intermediary if you'd rather not deal with her?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Dealing with her would be tedious. Would it not be tedious for you?"
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"I don't know that "tedious" is the right word for talking to a god. Even though she doesn't seem to be as charming as you are. But even if it was, the infinite sea of horrible monsters is a pretty big problem, I'd be willing to go to some trouble to see it fixed."
the keeper
ending-of
"That seems reasonable. But at that point the note-passing method starts to be inefficient. I wonder what alternatives are available."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"...We could ask her to summon me into her domain? Or maybe get a little Heavenly telephone."
the keeper
ending-of
"Hmm."
She considers these options.
"Perhaps I could give you the ability to communicate with me directly regardless of our respective locations, and send you to speak with her. Then I would not have to deal with her tediousness."
She considers these options.
"Perhaps I could give you the ability to communicate with me directly regardless of our respective locations, and send you to speak with her. Then I would not have to deal with her tediousness."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Would that let me talk to you when you're not in this world? We could be dimensionpals!"
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"So, I guess you can beam me up n-"
YHWH
andomega
Suddenly, there is the sound of a great choir, as if from some distance. From a ray of light descends a figure. She sits in the spare armchair and folds her arms over her chest, glaring.
"Excuse me! We were talking. What the hell is taking you so long?"
"Excuse me! We were talking. What the hell is taking you so long?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Talking to you was becoming extremely tedious. This person has been convincing me to continue, perhaps by letting him talk to you for me."
YHWH
andomega
"Well, that's just fucking dandy. Sorry for not polishing up on my conversational skills while keeping my reality safe from the endless hordes of the void."
the keeper
ending-of
The administrator regards God for a few seconds, and then turns to Ari and says in her usual dry tones, "Please help."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari looks around helplessly. The Administrator may be able to completely ignore God's aura of power, but he doesn't have that privilege. "Um... ma'am?" he begins. "I understand that you're angry, but the Administrator is... well, I'm not going to say trying to help, but willing to help if you'll work with her."
(Over in his corner, Mortimer appears to have fainted.)
(Over in his corner, Mortimer appears to have fainted.)
YHWH
andomega
"Sure. Work with her. What can she do about the Outsiders? Because I'm using up ridiculous amounts of power hedging them out already, so unless she'd like to give me a universe-sized battery, this looks like a waste of my time."
the keeper
ending-of
"I do not yet know what I can do about the Outsiders, but I think your power and mine work very, very differently, and it is possible I could arrive at a solution not available to you. For example, if this were my domain, I would not need to expend energy to contain the Outsiders. They would either be contained, or not. And it seems I would prefer them contained."
YHWH
andomega
"Again, dandy. I can do that within my domain too, the problem is that the Outsiders aren't part of that domain. I can change the laws of physics, manipulate probability until it breaks like a Happy Meal toy, declare that a particular species no longer exists and never did- that's what happened to the Autumn Court of Faerie, bye bye assholes- but I can't declare shit about the Outsiders. I have to use the belief energy I get from worshippers in this world, for that. Which is not especially potent, by which I mean it amounts to wet tissue paper against the tentaclebastards. The faeries and the wizards help, they've got an illogically huge army defending the Outer Gates and a squad devoted to repairing the fabric of my reality respectively, but all that means is the place is covered in duct tape and fucking Band-Aids."
the keeper
ending-of
"This seems inefficient," the administrator observes. "Have you considered moving?"
the keeper
ending-of
"I have connected this universe to my domain," she explains. "Anything that is permanently destroyed here is available to me to recreate elsewhere. If the universe itself were permanently destroyed, I would have no trouble recreating it elsewhere without the infinite expanse of horrible monsters attached."
the keeper
ending-of
It occurs to her to add, "Depending on how thoroughly you are able to destroy the universe, it may be necessary to transport you and this person separately from the rest, since he is indestructible and I am not sure of your destructibility."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari is nursing an increasingly blinding headache from God's aura of power, but he can still hear. He hears an alarming amount of talk about destroying the universe, which is "any."
He trusts the Administrator, though. She made him immortal and all. He may even trust her to get rid of this headache. "M'head hurts? Could some god fix that?"
He trusts the Administrator, though. She made him immortal and all. He may even trust her to get rid of this headache. "M'head hurts? Could some god fix that?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Hmm." The administrator considers this request for a few seconds. Then she says: "Yes."
No more headache.
No more headache.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Thank you so very, very much, I love you."
YHWH
andomega
God clears her throat insistently. "So, what you're saying is that if I decree this whole mess out of existence, it'll be reconstructed in your wherever the hell you're from and I can fuck off to Acapulco and drink Piña Coladas for the next millennium? Is that what I'm hearing here? I get to burn the world in one last blaze of glory and live stress-free forever? Is this what's going down? Because I am on this train."
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes," says the administrator. "As long as the three of us are - or at minimum, I am - returned to my domain in the process. If you were to truly destroy the universe so that it did not even remain as a location able to contain things, that would suffice."
YHWH
andomega
"Its status as a location isn't something I can change. It'll stay around as a spot in the sea of undulating fuckery. But I can blitz Heaven and Earth and Hell and the Nevernever into nothingness, is that enough?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Hmm. To allow me to recreate them in my domain, yes. Whether or not I can transport the three of us to my domain afterward..."
She thinks about it.
"It seems that I can. Yes. That will do. Ari, would you like to be transported ahead of time? It is likely to be more comfortable than staying for the destruction of the universe."
She thinks about it.
"It seems that I can. Yes. That will do. Ari, would you like to be transported ahead of time? It is likely to be more comfortable than staying for the destruction of the universe."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Yeah, that sounds like a good way to go about things. I support not having the world unravel around me until I'm surrounded by horrible alien monsters."
the keeper
ending-of
"In that case, I will see you soon."
Ari vanishes in a ripple of illusory fire. (And reappears standing in the middle of the administrator's room at the top of her tower, surrounded by one big unbroken window, with a lovely view of both halves of the ground below and both halves of the sky above. And a very nice armchair next to him.)
Ari vanishes in a ripple of illusory fire. (And reappears standing in the middle of the administrator's room at the top of her tower, surrounded by one big unbroken window, with a lovely view of both halves of the ground below and both halves of the sky above. And a very nice armchair next to him.)
YHWH
andomega
"I have been waiting to do this for four and a half billion years," hisses God. "Let's burn this motherfucker down!"
She raises her arms in the air, throwing up ironic metal horns for the fun of it. Starting from her outstretched hands, the world crackles and rips and shreds itself into nothingness. Behind it there's nothing but inky blackness, full of writhing, squamous flesh.
The Administrator has a few seconds to see it before the ectoplasmic shell she inhabits created by Morty's summon is shredded with the rest of existence. The deeply unconscious Morty has a second more. God cackles at the top of her lungs as she fades into nothing.
And it's all over.
She raises her arms in the air, throwing up ironic metal horns for the fun of it. Starting from her outstretched hands, the world crackles and rips and shreds itself into nothingness. Behind it there's nothing but inky blackness, full of writhing, squamous flesh.
The Administrator has a few seconds to see it before the ectoplasmic shell she inhabits created by Morty's summon is shredded with the rest of existence. The deeply unconscious Morty has a second more. God cackles at the top of her lungs as she fades into nothing.
And it's all over.
the keeper
ending-of
And then it isn't.
The administrator recreates this entire world, in a fresh reality separate from her existing domain but still ultimately within her jurisdiction. She omits the Outsiders, but leaves everything else exactly as it was before God destroyed it, complete with God herself in Morty's basement. Neither the administrator nor Ari is in Morty's basement, however; they are now both in the administrator's tower.
"Would you like to be returned to the new copy of your world now?"
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Yeah, I think so. If nothing else, somebody's got to let Morty out of the sinkhole. But... can I get that communication thing before we go?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes."
Now Ari is back in the basement. With a sense in the back of his mind that if he intends-just-so to speak to the administrator, she will hear whatever he thinks or says that is directed at her in this way.
Now Ari is back in the basement. With a sense in the back of his mind that if he intends-just-so to speak to the administrator, she will hear whatever he thinks or says that is directed at her in this way.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari convinces the floor to spit out the demonologist, that's a good floor. In light of the fact that God just gave him the hangover of his life, Morty makes the executive decision to find religion immediately if not sooner.
God appears to have fucked off somewhere, possibly putting her earthly affairs in order before fucking off more permanently to Acapulco. Ari suspects that the Archangels won't actually have to make any substantial changes to their management style; she seemed a bit of a "hands off" type.
The information that holy shit, there's no Outside anymore trickles down gradually through the supernatural community. The population of the fae experiences a massive boom as the Gates release their guardians, which is generally bad news, but Ari is happy to kill any who try to hunt lost children et cetera. The Gatekeeper, mysterious eyepatch wizard extraordinaire, suddenly finds himself at a loss for what to do and gets rather more involved in White Council politics. And knitting.
Ari keeps up communication with the Administrator, and does in fact tell her at least one knock-knock joke over the telepathic red telephone. One day, a few weeks later, he realizes that the fact that she's collected all of the dead fae is immediately relevant to him. He pings the Administrator immediately. "My mother's name was Belinda the Kind. Can you resurrect her?"
God appears to have fucked off somewhere, possibly putting her earthly affairs in order before fucking off more permanently to Acapulco. Ari suspects that the Archangels won't actually have to make any substantial changes to their management style; she seemed a bit of a "hands off" type.
The information that holy shit, there's no Outside anymore trickles down gradually through the supernatural community. The population of the fae experiences a massive boom as the Gates release their guardians, which is generally bad news, but Ari is happy to kill any who try to hunt lost children et cetera. The Gatekeeper, mysterious eyepatch wizard extraordinaire, suddenly finds himself at a loss for what to do and gets rather more involved in White Council politics. And knitting.
Ari keeps up communication with the Administrator, and does in fact tell her at least one knock-knock joke over the telepathic red telephone. One day, a few weeks later, he realizes that the fact that she's collected all of the dead fae is immediately relevant to him. He pings the Administrator immediately. "My mother's name was Belinda the Kind. Can you resurrect her?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes," she says. "I will find her among the soulless dead. Just a moment."
She searches among them for someone who called herself Belinda the Kind. The easiest way to do that is to look for female soulless beings who died during Ari's lifetime, and then read their life histories until she finds one with the right name. It's a lot of information to sort through, but she doesn't need to pay attention to most of it.
She searches among them for someone who called herself Belinda the Kind. The easiest way to do that is to look for female soulless beings who died during Ari's lifetime, and then read their life histories until she finds one with the right name. It's a lot of information to sort through, but she doesn't need to pay attention to most of it.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
There's a Winter Sidhe over here who answers to that description! Doesn't seem very kind, though.
the keeper
ending-of
...She investigates more closely. The parts of Belinda's life history that intersect with Ari's life, in particular.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
She seems to have started out by killing his parents when he was four years old. She took him in, out of the goodness of her heart and because she had run out of working milkteeth. She raised him with very close attention to his every need, because that's how you get good milkteeth. She was indulgent in the extreme, her only imposition that he pay attention to his lessons and that he give her blood when she needed it. And that he obey her.
Around the time he turns fifteen, she begins planning the ritual in which she will sacrifice him. It's quite intricate. She tells him she's got the most darling surprise for his seventeenth birthday. He hugs her and says he's sure it'll be perfect. She ruffles his hair and tells him it will.
She waits.
She dies of a centaur's spear to the heart a week before the ritual is to take place.
Around the time he turns fifteen, she begins planning the ritual in which she will sacrifice him. It's quite intricate. She tells him she's got the most darling surprise for his seventeenth birthday. He hugs her and says he's sure it'll be perfect. She ruffles his hair and tells him it will.
She waits.
She dies of a centaur's spear to the heart a week before the ritual is to take place.
the keeper
ending-of
It has been about ten seconds now since Ari made his request.
The administrator speaks to him again. Her voice sounds noticeably annoyed.
"I have found your mother," she says. "In the process, I learned some things about her which I expect will distress you."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"How d'you mean?"
the keeper
ending-of
Rather than attempt to answer in words, she just provides him with Belinda's memory of planning the ritual and then telling him about his darling surprise.
the keeper
ending-of
"If you would still like me to retrieve her, I can, but I would rather not."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Don't. I... Don't."
the keeper
ending-of
"I won't, then."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Was she always like that?"
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes. I dislike her."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari does not respond.
Ari does not consciously respond. The link between them lets through an echo of wracking sobs. This is unlikely to be Ari's intention.
Ari does not consciously respond. The link between them lets through an echo of wracking sobs. This is unlikely to be Ari's intention.
the keeper
ending-of
This situation is totally alien to the administrator's experience and she has no idea what to do.
For sheer lack of better ideas, she instantiates a soft blanket next to him. Many people find those comforting.
For sheer lack of better ideas, she instantiates a soft blanket next to him. Many people find those comforting.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
There is no audible indication that Ari has taken or noticed the blanket! There is no counterindication, either. Ari is not talking, he is too busy crying.
the keeper
ending-of
Yes. That was reasonably predictable.
She just... waits. She's good at that.
She just... waits. She's good at that.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
Ari does not contact her for a few days.
After a few days, he contacts her.
"Hey."
After a few days, he contacts her.
"Hey."
the keeper
ending-of
"Hello."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Sorry for, uh, bugging out on you. The other day."
the keeper
ending-of
"I do not like it that you were distressed, but you do not need to apologize."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Thanks. But I should've called when I was... able to. But I didn't feel up to it. Should've anyway."
the keeper
ending-of
"I do not mind. I am very patient."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"That much I know."
A pause.
"So, how about those Mets, huh?"
A pause.
"So, how about those Mets, huh?"
the keeper
ending-of
"You continue to be inexplicably charming."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"So I've been told! It's better to be inexplicably charming than inexplicably irritating, at any rate. The people I've met who have that problem usually aren't pleased with it."
the keeper
ending-of
"It is likely to be inconvenient for them," she agrees.
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"It is! People don't like them much, and I'll bet they'd never be able to make friends with charming death goddesses such as yourself. Which would be a real shame."
the keeper
ending-of
"I believe you are the only person who has ever described me as charming."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Don't see why. I'm certainly charmed, it seems like that should be a pretty regular thing."
the keeper
ending-of
"Other people do not seem to be as charmed by me as you are."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"Well, I'm going to say in the absence of further evidence that they're wrong and I'm right, you're charming, case closed, final decision, no take-backs. Charming and also nice and delightful, in perpetuity."
the keeper
ending-of
"I acknowledge your opinion."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"That's all I ask!"
the keeper
ending-of
"You are easily satisfied."
Ari Kaltenbaum
bitterchill
"That is not news to anyone, my friend."
the keeper
ending-of
"Yes."