They're on lunch break, actually.

"I shall satirize lunch! No, I shall eat lunch. No time to eat lunch. I will turn my attention to the streets."

Vile Scribe remembers there's something he's still mad about, from a few days ago... can't let them get away with it.

Behold the JUstice of Mendev

Vigilantio: I am Vigilantio, a member of the Mendev Lay Inquisition, who have no authority to patrol the streets fighting enemies of Iomedae, but decided to do so anyway.

Guardati: I am Guardati, an officer of the City Watch in the country of Mendev, the most Iomedaean country unless you are counting Lastwall, the place Iomedae actually likes. 

Vigilantio: I am the most Lawful Good. The Lay Inquisition works for Iomedae and she only didn't Select any of us because she is too poor to.

Guardati: I am the most Lawful Good. The City Watch works for the Lawful Good Queen and she only has to Behead a few members each week. 

Vigilantio: I defend the city from Fearsome Foes. Behold, I throw Tiny Lawyers into the Raging River. I have saved Mendev from the Evil of Fair Trials. 

Guardati: I defend the city from Fearsome Foes. Behold, I throw Random Shelynites into Dismal Dungeons. I have saved Mendec from the Evil of Art Classes. 

Vigilantio: I obey special instructions from Iomedae and refrain from Random Murder in favor of Random Beatings.

Guardati: I obey special instructions from the Queen and return Certain Important Prisoners without Obvious Markings of attack.

Vigilantio: I have sworn an Oath of Celibacy because I hear Iomedae is into That Sort of Thing.

Guardati: I have sworn the Reverse Oath, for the sake of all Women in the city whose husbands are Conscripted to the Worldwound.

Vigilantio: I ransack homes and Donate the proceeds to the Church of Holy Iomedae.

Guardati: I ransack homes and Donate the proceeds to the Church of Holy Cayden. Hic.

Vigilanto: Your works impress me, I admit that you are the most Lawful Good.

Guardiati: Nonsense, your works are greater. I admit that your works are the most Lawful Good.

Vigilanto + Guardati: What would the city do without us?

Only two volunteers are brave enough to take this one to the copiers. The streets are still being patrolled, after all. The rest find something else to do. Howabout a supply run to another cafe to get honey for the coffee, and maybe a bite of something.

"Only if it can be eaten while scribing. Freedom of the Pen is close to an end, while Freedom of Lunch will survive to tomorrow."

"You can take a lunch break, the pamphlets will be better if you keep your edge."

"The Vile Scribe requires neither food nor sleep. Coffee. Ink. News of the convention."

They're right. He just realized that the one about sortitons leaving should have been Behold the Democracy of Nexland. He already had Arcanatri as his designated stand-in great wizard. How did he forget Arcanatri and end up using Galtonius. What if he keeps making mistakes? What if he messes up on Principles of the Vile Scribe, when he gets to that one. 

No. Galtonius was on purpose. Because it isn't about wizardry it's about democracy and radical ideas. But the next one should be on the other side of the democracy question, keep them guessing. Hopefully the convention does something soon that makes the ideals of galtan republicanism look bad. 

Principles of the Vile Scribe

This Pamphlet Officially Certified By The Seal Of The Ancient Fraternity Of Vile Scribes, that the Scribings therein be most Vile.

They can’t kill a pseudonym or an idea, but they can kill me, the person writing this. Or pamphlet jail, word on the street is you survive that but I’d rather not check. So, if I’m out of the Vile Scribing game, might as well show my hand. 

Zeroeth Principle of the Vile Scribe: Flexibility! Behold, as this pamphlet breaks every principle. The rules are guidelines, and if you’re too Lawful to get that, you’re better off being a regular scribe. 

First principle of the Vile Scribe: There are to be two characters who announce their names and identities. This makes it easy for it to be read aloud, but it also stops you getting overcomplicated. This isn’t the Taldan Opera with an ensemble and a complicated plot. Get over yourself. It’s a pamphlet! 

Second principle of the Vile Scribe. At least one part false, at least one part vile, at least one part funny. All three are important. If you want to say true, dull, and pleasant things, you’re better off being a regular scribe. 

Third principle of the Vile Scribe: Faraway and Fictional characters are often too distant to retaliate. People close enough to get you stay out of your pamphlets. Note, Great Wizards such as Geb and Nex and Razmir are not really limited by distance, but they are less likely to notice. 

Fourth principle of the Vile Scribe: You only have one head. Approach the line, to the point where people question how you are still writing. Don’t be so afraid you turn from Vile Scribe into Mild Scribe. But do not throw yourself upon any swords. 

Fifth principle of the Vile Scribe: It Must be Current. No one cares how clever your comment is, if the conversation moved on. These days, there’s ten things happening a day. The city moves fast, and so must you. 

Sixth principle of the Vile Scribe: If you take every side on the issue, you have the issue surrounded. If you have specific opinions and points, you become predictable. If they can predict what you’re going to say, they have no reason to buy your pamphlet!

Seventh principle of the Vile Scribe: Don’t overuse the Calamity gag! Yes, the first pamphlet was the best one and I’ll be downhill from there the whole rest of my career. But it had a specific point. Do not become an imitation of yourself.

So, what’s the point of all this? Why even be the Vile Scribe? 

The point is to be clever and have fun. If you’re taking it seriously all the time and don’t enjoy reveling in the vile scribing, you’re better off being a regular scribe. 

People think the first Vile Scribe was the Tian Xia one, but if you really want to get this part, find the true first one.

But it’s also this: The reader picks up a vile scribe pamphlet, reads some ridiculous lies, points at them and laughs. The reader reads those same ridiculous lies out on the world, recognizes them, points at them and laughs. 

That’s it. The pen is still free a bit longer, might be minutes or hours. That’s time I should be using on better stuff than this. Might be able to get one or two more. But in spirit, this one’s the last.

Goodbye Westcrown, hope you’ve had as much fun with this as I have. 

… you need a moment?

“No! I don’t have a moment.”

The Vile Scribe is not getting emotional here, because that would imply the Vile Scribe has ever felt anything about this except ironic detachment. Anything his eyes may be doing is explainable as a side effect of substituting coffee for sleep.

“Now get this one to the copy wizard, and see if anything new happened at the convention.”

News from the Convention.

“The maniacs! They actually tried it! Freedom of Robbery! What? How do I even pamphlet this??”

Arcanatri: But I am the one the money would be coming from.

Harloteña: Then we vote that you give up more money.

Arcanatri: Lawful Freedom of Robbery may make it legal, but to lawfully rob a Great Wizard you must also be strong enough to actually do it. 

… no that’s too wordy for a final line. It’s making a point, but the point is true and isn’t even entertaining. 

Axiomo: I am a Lawful denizen of the Axis City, summoned and made into a noble. 

Simplicio: By this point, you know who Simplicio is.

Axiomo: I propose we abolish taxes and raise our pay. 

Simplicio: With what money?

Axiomo: The money from everyone not in this room. We only abolish taxes for ourselves. 

Simplicio: Remind me, which part of Axis did you say you used to live in? 

Axiomo: Norgorberland. 

… Okay but that’s too obvious. Is there a way to make it not the constitutional convention? There’s no time so write out exposition about how it’s actually in Osirion or something. Plus any of this might be conspiracy to robbery, or proselytizing. No way they actually buy that he’s not infernal if he lives in axis. Augh.

To the printers?

“No! Can’t tell if these get us beheaded or not. I’m not going down like that head of the hydra fool, city covered in copies labeled do not copy.”

Draft torn into small pieces. Wait. Mending exists. The Vile Scribe takes the scraps of potentially illegal and eats them, in between gulps of coffee.

???

“Did you forget to prestidigitation this coffee? Tastes worse than the paper!”

A tale of Long Ago Taldor

Taldaria: I am Taldaria, the Empress of Ancient Taldor. You can tell us apart from Current Taldor by how we sometimes gain territory. I am also visually distinct from Current Taldor. Crowns have not yet been invented so on my head I wear Leaves. 

Belkzen: I am Belkzen, a Great and Terrible war lord of the Savage Orcs. My two skills are Conquering and More Conquering. I am the one who Belkenland is named after, but because this is Ancient Times, it is not named after me yet. Instead it is called Orcland.

Taldaria: Governing in my land is done a Lawful and Civilized land way. The Crown is worn by a True Empress, advised by a Senate composed of exclusively High Nobles and Reputable Gentlemen. They are Dignified and Composed as they advise the Empress.

Belkzen: Governing in Orcland is done in an Anarchic and Barbaric way. Orcs are all shoved into a Cave where they engage in Raucous Shouting and Vicious Insults. Every so often, we Behead each other using Specialized Orcish Beheading Axes.

Taldaria: The Barbaric Orcs and their Anarchic Governing sound most dreadful. I pray to Aroden, who is Still Alive because it is Ancient Times, that Orcland remains disunited and unthreatening. 

Belkzen: I, the great war lord Belkzen, have united Orcland. Every lesser war lord obeys my orders. The Raucous Shouting Cave only shouts my Will. My power in Orcland is absolute. Now it is time to turn our Specialized Orcish Beheading Axes on the whole of Avistan. 

Taldaria: O these Dreadful Tidings! Though, I must say, this Belkzen fellow sounds very Strong and Manly. 

Belkzen: I march on the Riverlands with the Great Army of Orcland. 

Taldaria: I will refrain from raising Great Army of Civilization to put down these Barbarian Hordes. That horrid Barbarian can have the Riverlands, as a gift. 

Belkzen: The Riverlands are Conquered! I drag all the High Nobles and Reputable Gentlemen to the Specialized Orcish Beheading Axe. Instead, the Riverlands are forced to use a Raucous Shouting Cave to do their Governing. 

Taldaria: O how Barbaric and Horrid are the ways of that Muscular and Chiseled Belkzen. However, I have a Brilliant Plan to spare Ancient Taldor from Conquest.

Belkzen: You will need to be quick with your Brilliant Plan, where do you think I will go as soon as I finish Conquering the Riverlands?

Taldaria: I now import the Specialized Orcish Beheading Axe and have all the High Nobles and Reputable Gentlemen of Ancient Taldor brought forth and Beheaded. I create my own Raucous Shouting Cave to govern Taldor. 

Belkzen: Do you think that Governing in the Anarchic and Barbaric way of Orcland will give you the power to raise a Great Army of Barbarians to equal my own? 

Taldaria: You misunderstand my intentions. 

Belkzen: Then why have you adopted the Anarchic and Barbaric Governing? What is your Brilliant Plan? 

Taldaria: I propose a marriage alliance!

A few of the coffee shop radicals are arguing about whether Taldor still had a senate during the rise of Belkzen. The rest have seen through that and are arguing whether it’s revolutionary or counterrevolutionary in sentiment. 

“It’s both and neither. That’s the most I’ve ever explained a pamphlet, and I’m only doing it because I need you to stop arguing and run for the copyhouses.”

They agree to finish the argument later. To the printers!

The Vile Scribe does not mention that they won’t finish the argument. This is probably the last time they’ll all pass a tract around, reading the best lines out loud and getting into arguments about it. 

Yep. By the time everyone gets back from the printing shops, the decree is pinned to the walls. Word on the street is, they’re banning slander and implications next.

“Implications? They’re banking those? Oh, it’s over. Thus is the end of the Vile Scribe.”

He will tell himself that his newest pamphlet happening right before the decree wasn’t a coincidence. As soon as he got a dig in against the crown, that’s when the vote turned into a decree. At least he got the last word!