Nova hears, and goes rigid until they're down the stairs, and there's no immediate risk of them being thrown out. Then he-

He doesn't quite relax, but almost does.

"No, don't-" Zev says, brokenly, when Nova tenses. 

(Don'tgodon'tleavemepleaseiknowimnotdoingthisrightim-)

"I'm sorry."

"I-what? Why? I-you don't- there's nothing-" (For you to apologise for.)

"I know I'm not doing this right, I know you need better than me, but I'm trying, I am, I just want to keep you safe and I-"

Gasping breath, like he's forgotten how to breathe normally. "I keep fucking it up."

"I- no. No. You- you do! Keep me safe! It's- it's not you. You don't- aren't fucking- up."

"We wouldn't've had to leave the shelter if it weren't for me. You wouldn't have slept on the streets for weeks with nothing to keep you warm but your fire- you wouldn't have gone out that ni-"

He couldn't finish the sentence. He couldn't even think the words because then he'd remember the image of Nova held against the wall and- 

He could feel bile in his throat.

"I-but. You. You stopped- them. Got me. Away. And- it-it's not your fault I- I keep. Trying to sleep with people. I- you- you know I-" (That I want it. That I need to. That I owe.)

How does he make him see that he doesn't? He sees the fear in Nova's face even considering it, sees the light in his eyes die, the resignation on his face like a dead man walking. 

"I don't know that. I never will. I refuse it. I reject it. You don't want it."

"But- they always-"

He's been told it too often, never been told anything different, doesn't know how to accept it.

(Is scared to listen to the part of him that hateshateshates what they told him he wanted.)

"They wanted you that way." Fury. "They liked you that way." Devastation.

"They thought I would relish my chance at a 'reward'." Zev makes a strangled noise, like an aborted laugh. "I thought it meant I was allowed to be near you, for once. Didn't know it...if I knew, I would've..."

He's said this before. If he knew, scratch that, if he had an idea that it was going on, he would've taken Nova from there right then. Why did he let himself believe for so long?

He ducks his head into Zev's chest. "I- I didn't- want you to. Think. Less of me. You were. Strong. And I-"

"You've always been stronger."

Think less of him? As if there was ever a time Zev ever felt like Nova didn't hang the stars in the sky?

He shrugs. "Still you who got us out."

"Only regret was not killing more of them on the way out. Showing off the skills they gave me."

"You- I-" Nova shrugs. He's tired, and things don't make sense, and he wants to pretend he hadn't upset Zev and-

Zev unclings one hand from Nova’s back to rest against his neck. He gently strokes along Nova’s jaw with his thumb, trying to slow his own shaking. 

“Not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

"-wasn't yours either."

Yes, it is. If he took care of Nova the way he was supposed to, he wouldn’t feel like this. 

But he doesn’t want to argue. He wants to stop crying for a bit. So he just cups the back of Nova’s head to bring their foreheads together, and closes his eyes. 

Nova shuffles closer. Hugs him a bit tighter.

Good. That’s good. 

Because Zev needs Nova right now. 

They're left in peace for half an hour before there's a quiet tap on the door. "Breakfast outside if you want it," 'Chelle calls softly, and can be heard going straight back down the stairs.

The idea of food makes Zev’s stomach turn. He can’t even imagine eating right now. Nova might need it though. 

When he goes to sit up, he finds it a lot harder than it should be. His arms don’t want to detach from Nova and his knees just don’t function at all. 

Nova sits up with him. He's not sure he can eat. But-

But he thinks he'll worry Zev more if he doesn't. He isn't inclined to get off the bed though.

He usually makes the decisions for them. Mostly because he didn’t want Nova to feel pressured, he’d dealt with enough of that. 

But right now, if the decision isn’t ‘stay here until the world hurts less’, he doesn’t want to make it. 

...Except Zev needs to eat as well.

Nova slides off the bed, and cautiously retrieves the tray from the otherwise empty landing.

It's nothing major, just two plates of buttered toast.