"Hello and welcome to Mandatory Roller Derby! Either this is your first week at Mandatory Roller Derby, or your memory of previous weeks has been wiped, I don't have to tell you which. Regardless, I'm going to explain the rules -- this doesn't legally count as roller derby if you just put on roller skates and start beating each other up!

First things first, you're all going to be split into two teams. By that I mean that I have a pile of white jerseys, and a pile of black jerseys, and you're all going to grab a jersey, and that's your team. If you end up with an illegal team composition I'll make you fix it but that shouldn't be possible with the number of jerseys I have. You are, obviously, encouraged to choose the teams in a way that's advantageous to you.

Normally you'd have to pass a skills test to be allowed to play full-contact, but none of you are going to manage that in the next couple hours, training for a skills test does not legally count as playing roller derby, and the penalty clause for breaking the rule about needing a skills test is way lighter. 

You are all required to wear this weird-looking shoe with wheels. It's called a roller skate but that's not actually important. You are not allowed to change the configuration of the wheels so that they're all in a line, for some reason it's important that I tell you that even though I can't see how you'd do it. You are also supposed to wear a helmet, a mouthguard, wrist guards, elbow pads, and knee pads, unless you're physically incapable of doing so or they wouldn't provide any protection to you. I am in charge of determining whether you're required to wear any given piece of protective gear. You technically only need to be wearing two wrist guards, elbow pads, or knee pads, no matter how many wrists, elbows, or knees you have.

The game is going to be divided up into a series of two-minute periods. In each two minute period, your team must send out one person designated as a jammer and up to four people designated as blockers, one of whom should be the pivot. The jammer wears a helmet cover that looks like this, the pivot wears one that looks like this. The blockers are trying to stop the other team's jammer from getting through the group of all the blockers on both teams. Once each jammer has made it through the pack once, the next time around, they get a point for each blocker they pass.

The jammer is allowed to pass their position to the pivot by handing the pivot their helmet cover, which the pivot then has to put on. This is called a star pass. If we have any Imps here today, I will find it extremely funny if you star pass, but I'm not allowed to tell you why.

There are a lot of rules about legal and illegal forms of contact. We have received permission to adapt them to your various body plans. You can find specific details on the handouts in front of you, but in general the guideline is, you can only make contact with someone on another team from here to here, and no damaging their wings if they have them.

If you break any of the rules you'll be given a penalty. When you get a penalty you're required to go to the penalty box. To be clear, the penalty box is not a torture chamber, it is some chairs surrounded by tape.

There are a lot more rules, but this explanation is considered sufficient to satisfy our legal requirements, so we're going to get started now."