"I'm talking to you because Rynaeri's friend thought we'd have an informative chat. I am... finding this particular line of alarm from you very... uninformative. What in the world have you been told about Nirvana, the being an animal thing is I think correct but they can, like, talk and move and stuff - I can't think of one single thing I imagine a person being able to accomplish from Xovaikain and not from Nirvana unless it is literally and specifically 'be tortured for Zon-Kuthon's appreciation'."

"At least that's something, being pretty for Shelyn's appreciation doesn't even pay back someone who's done anything for me. - And velstracs do things all the time, they're like devils. In Nirvana all they do is be pretty or try to talk the Mother of Souls into giving them more people. Nobody summons Good outsiders to run their prisons or anything."

"I don't do a ton of summoning but - a prison would definitely be a weird choice of job for a celestial, sure? People do summon angels for things even if an agathion wouldn't be a classic choice for most standard issue purposes - or, no, I met somebody with a slivanshee familiar up at the worldwound, so presumably it helped fight demons. Empyreal lords are basically minor deities with domains they work on like any other god. It takes a while to get anywhere influential from 'petitioner' but I think that's true of most afterlives."

"Huh. That's... not as bad as it could be." He doesn't want to face an age as a songbird but it seems better than facing eternity that way. "Is Hell also less bad than it sounds or does Asmodeus really just want everyone to suffer as much as possible all the time?"

"I think he's slightly more complicated than that - I think he enjoys it when people struggle not to suffer ideally by taking on some of the causing-suffering tasks themselves and you can't get them to do that if it will obviously never work, so there are some occasions when some people are not acutely suffering. Otherwise Hell is lots of suffering, but some people say that you can just hang out on the first layer, being on fire, for as long as you want, and only proceed to more elaborate torments on a voluntary basis, so if you happen to have cultivated a tolerance for being on fire or expect you'd be able to, and feel you could accomplish anything neat from that position, I guess Hell shouldn't scare you too much."

"...Well, I don't have any idea what I could possibly accomplish in Hell, but that's definitely better than I thought it was..." He probably needs a lot more practice to be capable of coherent thought while on fire. "Can you just... stay in Avernus and tell jokes to the other people who are lucid enough to appreciate them? Or I guess I could - hmm, no, I think the fire would get in the way of scratching nice designs into my flesh. But if I could make Hell nice - it's not really as much serving the Midnight Lord as going to Xovaikain but I'd still be on fire forever, so I wonder if that's good enough? Because - assuming you're not lying to trick me into going to Hell, which I have absolutely no proof you're not doing - I wonder if I should aim for Hell. It might be best for everyone."

"I would actually recommend Axis for you. I find it really unlikely that they have any mechanism to prevent you from torturing yourself if this should happen to bring you satisfaction of some kind, and the rest of the time you get to be a completely normal human shaped person walking around normal places like cities and parks, getting a normal job if you're into that, talking to who-all else is there. And if you ever did decide you weren't pleased with the torturing yourself they have lots of lawyers who could help you figure out a way to exit your apparent contract with Zon-Kuthon."

"Maybe you also think Axis doesn’t suck as much as I’ve heard?"

"I have heard glowing firsthand-observer reports of Axis being a place with normal cities and normal people wandering around getting rich. What bad things did you hear?"

"That it was a city," Varan deadpans.

"Odd complaint from a man who has chosen to live in Absalom for any period of time."

"I hate Absalom and I’m thinking of moving to Taldor where they have farms. Also I’m pretty sure everything about Absalom that doesn’t suck is because you're allowed to worship the Dreamer here, but you can't worship her in Axis, Axis is Lawful. And not even Good - without any Good people and being ruled by Lawful gods it's probably a lot more like Nisroch than Absalom, and Nisroch is awful. And also? If I have to pick between having all my Good impulses eaten away and having all of my Evil impulses eaten away I definitely don’t pick both - I don’t know if you have to become an axiomite but I sure wouldn’t want to."

"I think most people don't aim to become axiomites. It's possibly the least turning-you-into-a-something-else afterlife out there. I don't know if it's all cities, I can ask my Abadaran friend, but that's admittedly what they advertise. Heaven advertises the Summerlands, though. Farms as far as the eye can see."

"Heaven is the one where they lost their leader because she was pathetic and couldn’t keep going just because her husband died, so now they’re ruled by some upstart with absolutely no positive vision for what Heaven could be who’s just singlemindedly devoted to destroying Evil, you know, like my entire family? I hate Iomedae."

"I mean, yes, as someone with an entire family I too have been known to feel this way, but the Summerlands in particular is Erastil's bag and he's the god of farms."

"Maybe he’s fine but it sounds like he takes his marching orders from Iomedae these days."

"I think he doesn't... march a ton? Like, the Lawful Good corner of the chart is absolutely very Iomedae-forward in philosophy and message but if you meet an actual Erastilian they're going to be like 'you should get married to someone who complements you, remember to leave your fields fallow some of the time, looks like rain'."

He makes a face. One of the components of the face he's making is a small smile.

"Yep, that's how it goes. And then the tax collectors come and take their share to pay for the schools and everything. I don't want to pay taxes to Iomedae."

"I guess that's a fair thing to not want. - I'm going to go actually get some food, do you want me to grab you something while I'm up?"

"Sure, how about a reasonable amount of something you recommend? I haven't found many foreign foods I like yet but if I take enough recommendations maybe I'll like something."

"...the way you feel like you need to specify 'a reasonable amount' leaves me suddenly unconvinced that I know what amount that is."

"What I meant was 'don't grab every scrap of food in the place and say I owe you for it' but how about I just get myself something after you."

"Oh, I was just gonna buy you dinner, I have adventurer money and you're interesting."

"Oh! Thanks." He smiles, ducking his head and turning away like he's embarrassed about that.

"No problem." She goes off and comes back with a fruit platter and two different soups. "Do you want spicy beef or cream of chicken?"