[I wanted it for fucked up reasons. That doesn't mean I didn't want it.]

[You can have feelings about that,] says Alice, dropping a kiss on her shoulder. [And, you know, all things considered, I'd rather know about them than not.]

[I think I freaked out Aurora. I think she's glad she heard that story because it means she's got fair warning against turning into me. I don't like that. I don't like that you might want to stop being a vampire specifically because you don't like the bond effect as opposed to any of the other effects.]

Stella is silent.

[Today of all days I am doubly glad that you cannot read my mind,] Stella murmurs. [Everything I'm thinking makes me feel like a terrible person and I am glad I can be a terrible person in private so it wouldn't hurt to look at myself more than it does.]

[I don't think you're a terrible person,] says Alice. [I love you. And I don't want you to hurt yourself, but - I want to know.]

[Okay,] he says. [So now I know you don't want to have a fight.]

[Okay, um. I am pretty good at having many reasons for doing things. And things that aren't exactly reasons but are positive features of the decision, or negative features of the alternatives, that I note. If the only facts of the situation had been that you would like turning into a vampire and I could be sure that you weren't going to wind up mated to anyone who wasn't me, then that would've, honestly, I swear, sufficed to induce me to turn you, if it had occurred to me. But yes, the reason the thought entered my head was because I wanted to be surer than I was that I could trust you, and that wasn't even all for personal relationship reasons even though that was there what with all the conversations we kept having about how you couldn't be sure you weren't going to fall for someone else as hard and suddenly as you did for me. We had only recently met the Joker and I did not get along with him and I didn't have Mary repeatedly explaining to me about how harmless Jokers with coins are or nearly a dozen other examples of the template telling me how harmless Jokers with Bells are. All I had to go on was you and him and the idea of you turning into what I knew of him made me sick and Golden was so completely secure. She knows like she knows arithmetic that she has Edward forever and always so long as they both shall live. His actual personality might not be my cup of tea, but you, you I love, and all I knew was that I had you as long as your brain didn't do anything else sudden and unexpected like it had already been shown to do. When you fell for me. Or anything unpleasant. When the Joker - existed.]

[That is kind of fucked up,] he sighs, hugging her gently.

[Yes. You asked.]

[Yeah, 'cause I wanted to know. And now I do. And it's kind of fucked up,] he says.

[Yep.]

He cuddles her some more.

Stella clings.

It's better than the alternative. She keeps up a shallow read, looking for anything else to grab hold of.

He doesn't like feeling like Stella wants fucked up things, but the fact remains, those were some pretty fucked up reasons for wanting to turn him. And he's glad he knows what they are, now, and glad she's not trying to tell him they're not fucked up, but it still doesn't feel resolved. He doesn't really know what he wants. Maybe he wants Stella not to want fucked up things, but she's still Stella and he still loves her, fucked up things and all. He doesn't want to change who she is to make himself feel better; that seems like a bad, and also terribly ironic, solution.

[I would offer to turn into a vampire too but I don't think you want me to become more monogamously inclined than I currently am.]

[I really don't!] he says. [That would be worse.] He sighs again; hugs her some more. [I think I'm gonna stop being a vampire. It doesn't feel right anymore.]

[Are you having feelings again?] he asks, snuggling her.

[Constantly.]