Yes please!

Okay I'll try and relate it all to you but I might not remember everything because we didn't really get into it at first because it was old and silly though by the end everyone was watching pretty intently and laughing so much at all the silly things. It was really good even without any special effects or anything! Anyways, so, at the start of the film, I forget how they told us but there's an evil king that's killed an entire royal family to take over but missed the baby boy, who has been spirited away to the forest by a band of, well, merry men? Like in Robin Hood. And the main character, Hawkins, he's in charge of the baby, and also in charge of like showing the birthmark to people to get their loyalty -- the baby has a birthmark of a purple flower they called it a pimpernel I think on his bottom, which apparently means he's royal somehow, it's very long-lost princess sort of thing except it's a prince instead of a princess and also he doesn't stay lost for very long. In any case, Hawkins and Lady Jean who's also part of the merry men have to go and take the baby away to an abbey for safekeeping, and they get stopped on the road by the king's men but he pretends to be an old man with the Lady Jean playing his deaf and dumb granddaughter and they trick them into not checking on their wine barrels which is where the baby is in a hidden compartment. Oh, Hawkins is a really good actor and things (and his actor is really good too!) because he was part of a carnival troupe or something, there was a whole song at the beginning with him and a bunch of midgets from the carnival being silly for the rest of the merry men before the Black Fox got back (he's the leader) from what he was doing and told him to stop wearing his clothes and stuff. In any case they stop at a woodcutter's hut to get out of the rain for the night and Hawkins sings to the baby and Jean falls in love with him which seems a bit fast but I guess she likes him being sensitive and stuff and good with kids but she tells him she can't marry him until the baby is on the throne and right! They can't do it because they have this whole plan with this secret passage that lets out into the forest but it's locked with a key the king has and so they would need to steal it with access to the king's chambers so the plan can't go into action. And then a traveling jester, Giachamo (I think that spelling is right I'm not sure) shows up at the hut and asks for shelter also and says that he's going to be jester to the king and so Hawkins and Jean look at each other and knock out the jester and he steals his clothes to go in his stead, and Jean is supposed to go the rest of the way to the abbey with the baby but the King... oh right! The king wants to marry his daughter off to some noble person from the north but the daughter wants to only marry for love because her maid (who is also a witch by the way) told her she should, or at least spun her a bunch of fairy tale stories? And so in any case the noble is also a knight and really good at fighting and so there's going to be a tournament and so the king wants to gather up all the pretty wen girls in the kingdom which is really kinda awful by the way and so Lady Jean gets taken by that and the baby ends up at the castle also. 

Does that all make sense? I realized I just wrote a lot, are you following so far? There's a lot more movie to go. I think I might learn to deal with hand cramps from all of this. Or do any of the powers I picked deal with hand cramps from lots of writing? 

Well Endowed and Hollow Leg usually help a little with that sort of thing.

I think I'm following along okay so far! What happens next?

Okay, great! So... oh right! So the king's most evil advisor doesn't like the other three advisors because they want the princess to get married but the evil one doesn't, I'm not really sure why he doesn't but he doesn't. So he wants the other three advisors killed. But luckily (so to speak) he's just sent away for an extremely skilled assassin, who also happens to play as a court jester! In other words, Giachamo! Who Hawkins is now pretending to be, which was the cause of a whole bunch of things going wrong. Jean told him that there's a spy in the castle already and he should whistle the secret whistle to find him and so he sings this song as a jester person about finding love while doing the whistle and then the king's evil adviser whistles back before the actual spy can get to him, because the evil adviser thinks that Giachamo is whistling to find who he works for when in fact Hawkins is whistling to find the spy. And so then Hawkins thinks the evil adviser is actually the spy, despite the actual spy (who's like a person that does fetching and carrying and moving luggage around and stuff so he's not important to everyone) trying to convince him otherwise. And so they agree to meet in an hour (with a bit of silliness) and then Hawkins goes to his quarters where he's met by the maid that is also a witch. Oh, right, something I forgot: the princess tells the witch that she's not going to marry the northern noble person and that she'd rather die and she's going to make the maid kill herself also first (she gives her a goblet of poison and holds a knife on her) and so the maid I think scrambling for a solution hears the voice of Hawkins/Giachamo from the window who is approaching and tells the princess that that's the man that she's going to marry, he's been sent by the gods to do it. And the princess agrees that the man is fair of face and such, and also has a pretty singing voice (he really does, he's not my type I don't think but he can sing very well and is kinda cute), but also that if the maid is lying she'll kill the maid. So the maid goes to Giachamo's room and tries to convince him to go to the princess, but Hawkins doesn't want to betray Lady Jean (and he shouldn't! Good for him!) and so the maid who is also a witch hypnotizes him and puts him under a spell to make him obey her. And then she changes his personality to be very handsy, much too handsy though the princess liked it, and then he swings on a vine to her window and courts her very quickly and she's unsure at first but then he's swinging around the key that he got from the king's room (I forget how that happened) and she's like "you really were sent by the gods, with our way out!" and takes the key to hold against her chest and then the king comes in the room and she tells Hawkins to hide but Hawkins has been hypnotized to not be the kind of person to hide (he wants to cut the king to ribbons) but luckily the princess snaps her fingers and the spell goes away (the witch said he goes in and out with a snap) and then there's a very silly bit where he's hiding and the king and princess are arguing and keep snapping their fingers at each other and he keeps opening the curtains and then immediately closing them and hiding as he goes back and forth between under the spell or not. And eventually the key falls out of her shirt and the king takes it back and is mad at the princess and snaps one more time on the way out the door and then they talk some more and then Hawkins leaves. But on the way back he stops to talk to the evil advisor, who wants him to kill the three advisors tonight, and if that doesn't work run away with the princess, which his new suave personality agrees to do all of it and says that the evil advisor should buy the other advisor's widows flowers. And then he goes back to his room to talk to the witch and reports on his success at which point she makes him forget everything and fall asleep. 

And that's... everything so far. There was a lot of things that happened in this movie? Are you still following along? 

I'm still following! Wow, I hope everything turns out okay!

(Does it explain why there were two different people looking out for the same secret whistle? I feel like the most important thing about a secret whistle should be that nobody unexpected is using it.)

Oh I don't think there were two different people looking for the same secret whistle! The evil adviser just saw the person he hired making some kind of signal and probably thought that the person he hired was makin a signal because he wanted to report in. The secret whistle was not very well thought through I guess because you respond to the secret whistle by whistling back the same whistle which is not a very good secret signal! 

And it does turn out okay! Let me tell you some more before I have to take another break to massage my hand (I'm really looking forward to Well Endowed and Hollow Leg keeping my hand from hurting so much!) 

Hawkins wakes up confused and has to report to be a jester to the king and spends some time doing a song and dance thing to distract from the fact that he was given the baby by the spy by mistake (Jean told him to because Jean thought he had the key but he didn't because the king has it because he gave it to the princess while under the witch's spell and wow that's a long chain of events now that I've written it). And then the advisors die (the witch overheard the plotting by the evil advisor and his minions and decided to help out Giachamo I guess) and then the northern baron is going to show up so he clears away the bodies and the northern baron person is happy to have the princess's hand in marriage but the princess doesn't want him because he's big and awful and so she reveals that she loves Giachamo and gave him her handkerchief and Hawkins is very confused but they search him and find it and the king wants to have him killed but the princess says she'll throw herself off a parapet if he does so instead he decides to (or actually the evil adviser tells him to) make Giachamo a knight so that the northern baron can challenge him in a mortal duel for the princess's hand in marriage. Hawkins doesn't want to become a knight (they're lying to him and telling it so that he can be noble and marry the princess but it's a lie) and normally it takes a lot of training but they cheat at the tasks he's supposed to for him -- he's supposed to scale a wall in armor and they put him in armor and then throw him over the wall, and he's supposed to fight a wild hog with his bare hands and they put him up against a tiny tiny adorable piglet (everybody awwwed, including me) and stuff like that. 

Okay my hands are cramping and I think this is a good point to pause so how are you enjoying this so far?

Oh, that makes more sense. They really should have put more thought into their secret whistle, then!

How did he hide the baby while he was singing and dancing? Was he carrying the baby in a backpack? Did he put the baby in a potted plant? I hear people hide things in potted plants sometimes at fancy events.

...was the adorable piglet okay?

It's a really exciting story! I like it a lot. ✨

Oh! No, the baby was in a basket, the baby was in a basket (with blankets and things) for most of the film. He got passed off to Lady Jean who was there... oh, right, so, the king sent Giachamo to pick one of the girls from all of the girls for him which by the way is super creepy and awful and then Jean escaped and found Hawkins but Hawkins was under a magic spell at the time and so was acting strangely and then the king ran into them both and was very happy with Giachamo's pick of girl for him and the king had her taken away to be dressed in pretty gowns and things. And so she was dressed up pretty and sitting at the hand of the king and stuff. It was all very bad and evil. But she was there in the room and was able to sneak off with the baby while Hawkins distracted the guards. 

It... wasn't really clear if the pig was okay. They pushed him on top of the pig and the pig was in deep mud so maybe the pig was okay? I hope the pig was okay, it was a really really cute pig! I assume the real pig was ok, they didn't show him landing on it and you're not allowed to hurt animals to make movies though this was an old movie and the rules might be different, but in the story I hope the pig was ok. 

So Hawkins is told by Jean and a note that the king is knighting him only to kill him... oh wait no first Jean pretends to be interested in the king so that she can get him alone and take the key off his belt so she can get it to the merry men, which is where she finds out that the king is planning to kill Hawkins, and then she pretends to have a genetic and also contagious disease to keep the king from doing extremely awful and distasteful things to her and I know diseases don't work like that but they probably didn't know back then! So she tells him the king is planning to kill him and he tries to run but ends up at the knighting ceremony and is knighted and immediately challenged by the northern baron to a duel for the princess' hand, which he doesn't want to accept but Jean says the Black Fox will show up to duel in his place so he accepts but then the duel is going to happen immediately. Jean gives the key and a note to the spy who sends it by bird to the Black Fox just before getting caught by the bad adviser and his men (at some point the person who actually made the deal with Giachamo told them that that wasn't Giachamo and so they know that they're secretly part of the merry men and in fact think that Hawkins is the Black Fox and want to use him to kill the northern baron first. And so the duel happens, but the witch decides to help because the princess tells her (repeatedly) that if he dies, she dies, and so she poisons the vessel with the pestle and not the chalice from the palace (the vessel with the pestle has the pellet with the poison but the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true) and tells him all that, and tells him to repeat it, which he immediately gets confused and mixes it all up which is silly, and gets into his armor which has just been magnetized by a lightning strike (lots of silly slapstick from that) and then the witch tells him that there has been a change because they broke the chalice from the palace and instead are using a flagon with a dragon, but instead of keeping the vessel with the pestle poisoned she poisoned the flagon with the dragon (the flagon with the dragon holds the pellet with the poison, the flagon from the with the dragon (I guess you can get messed up!) has the brew that is true). But one of the bad adviser's men overhears and tells the northern duke and so they both have trouble remembering and fight over who drinks from which glass at the toast and the king says that there will be no toast and to just get on with it. And Hawkins immediately loses his weapon, but eventually the spiky ball thing sticks to his shield, I think because of the magnetism, and it pulls the northern baron out of his horse, and so Hawkins wins, and spares the northern baron. 

Okay I think I have one more section to get through after this but I need to rest my hands again. How's it going? Still following? 

I am having some trouble with the vessel and the flagon but apparently so is everyone else. I think I understand the rest! When you say the king sends Giachamo, you mean he thinks he's sending Giachamo but really it's Hawkins, right?

That's pretty fair! It seemed really obvious at the time but possibly it's possible to mess up. Still, they were messing it up in all sorts of ways, mixing words together and getting everything confused, and I don't think I'd ever be that confused. But the witch did repeat it a lot more times at Hawkins than I did so he would really know for sure. And yes I mean Hawkins he just thought it what Giachamo, Giachamo spends most of the movie a captive of the Black Fox or something, we never see him again after they knock him on the head and steal his clothes, and Jean says she'll get the Black Fox to send someone to take care of him. I hope that means captive! Though he is a horrible assassin, so maybe he deserves to die. 

Okay so the king is forced to give the princess's hand in marriage to Giachamo (who is really Hawkins and doesn't want it because he's very into Jean) but then the bad advisor reveals that Giachamo isn't Giachamo but actually the Black Fox and he apparently tortured the spy (that's why they used the whistle and Jean didn't tell him who the spy was, by the way, she described all the tortures they would do to him in a lot of detail it involved among other things pulling out fingernails with red hot pincers so she didn't trust him with the information because he'd talk if they caught him) to find the location of the baby and was going to present that as evidence but meanwhile, the real Black Fox got the letter and the key and went to go through the secret passage with everyone but it didn't work because it was partially collapsed but luckily the midget troupe could fit so they used them, and the midget troupe got up into the rafters and stacked on top of each other to stand behind Hawkins pretending to be a guard but the bottom one cut him free and so then he admits to being the Black Fox (but isn't really but it was effective) and gives the midgets swinging from the rafters the baby and also Lady Jean goes up into the rafters and then he runs away because he can't really fight (just do acrobatics and sing and act) and is perused by the bad adviser while the midgets beat everyone up. I think he was helping the midgets for a while but then had to run away. Also Lady Jean tricks the gate guard and knocks him out so she can let the merry men that aren't midgets back in. 

So Hawkins is in a swordfight with the bad adviser but isn't doing very well because he's bad at swordfighting and the princess and the maid see this and the princess once again tells the maid that if he dies, she dies, so when Hawkins gets knocked down again the witch hypnotizes him when he has a moment into being the best swordfighter, and he is! Unfortunately the spell has the same flaw as last time, and a snap can switch him between good and bad, and what follows is a hilarious swordfight where every time when one of them is winning someone snaps their fingers. Hawkins usually does it when he's winning (everyone groaned, it was great), saying that he was going to defeat him like that, or something like that, and snapping on the word that. And eventually, he wins, and Jean tosses him into the water. 

But the bad guys got a messenger to the northern baron and he's back and going to fight people but then they reveal the baby and his birthmark and everyone bows to the rightful king and Hawkins puts him on the throne and sings about how everything is exactly how it should be now and he can marry Jean and then the movie ends! And then I hung out with my new friends for a bit but most of them wanted to get to sleep soon after (I think they don't enjoy talking to people as much as I do, most people don't!) and I also have an adventure tomorrow morning so I also left! I should maybe get some sleep soon, but first, what did you think of the movie? 

That was all such an adventure! I really liked it, and it sounds like you did too! I'm glad you had fun watching it with your friends.

Sleep well!

I'm glad you liked it too! Talk to you in the morning!! 

And with that she closes the notebook (though she still feels kinda bad for leaving it alone even though it has told her it'll be fine) and tries to get to sleep. 

It's not as easy as she wants it to be. She spends at least an hour or two tossing and turning and thinking about everything that could happen (finding a magical kingdom beset by evil and helping to throw off the yoke of oppression and then become a magical princess to rule the land justly for 99 years or however long and marrying the villain with the heart of gold that only needed to be shown true love and then returning one day to her old life or fighting off demons in a stronghold against the darkness or joining a magical school and learning spells to finally defeat the dark lord or getting captured by the villain's right hand man and convincing him the error of his ways...) as well as all the things she's giving up (she'll miss her new friends and her old friends and never go to church with Carla and miss her brother and sisters and parents terribly and what if she messes up and bad things happen to her and is she really doing this for real) but eventually, eventually, she manages to get some sleep, fitful though it may be. 

And eventually, she wakes up! It's still early yet, and she's nervous but excited. She gets dressed and tiptoes out into the halls of the dorm to the common room with her backpack and spends a not-so-insignificant fraction of her pocket money (dad doesn't need to know, and this is important) on the machine's full supply of Snickers and Doritos, and adds some pretzels and potato chips and Reeses and M&Ms and things for variety, and also buys two water bottles and a bottle of coke. Putting her now much heavier backpack on, she tiptoes back into her room, and opens the notebook. 

Okay, I... think I'm ready. I'm nervous, but I'm ready. And excited! And really nervous. So what do I need to do, besides check off the right destination option, which I should go and do, to do this? 

All you have to do is check off your destination and then tell me clearly that you've made your final choices and you're ready to receive the Spirit's power! ♡

Okay. Is she really doing this? She's really doing this. Really, truly, utterly doing this. She's going on so many exciting adventures even though she's leaving people behind, but she'll be back. (She'd better be back.) 

She checks off her last remaining option, and takes a deep breath. 

Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready, I've made my final choices, and I'm ready to receive the spirit's power. 

All right! ♡